The Abyss

+JMJ+

Sr. Joann, my Spiritual Director, gave me the image of Jesus walking through the wheat field with His disciples, but a few steps in front of them, leading them--and she encouraged me to think of this every morning when I get up, so I have been. 

Today, in prayer, I realized something: there is an abyss of blackness in between me and Him, and the abyss is depression.  I have suffered all my life from depression, but I didn't realize that until a couple of years ago, when I started therapy.  I didn't go into therapy for that reason, but I became aware that I have that problem during my conversations with my therapist. 

I also learned that the only thing that has ever really helped my depression is my faith, and that I absolutely need to have a life focused on God in order to be happy.  My conclusion was that at least one of the the reasons God gave me a vocation, was because of this deep need. 

What I know, though, is that as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, He will keep me from falling into the abyss, that if I just reach out to Him, He will take my hand and keep me from sinking down into the blackness of despair.  

I believe this was a special grace God gave me today, an important insight, something I need to remember every day--and I am very grateful for it!  It seems especially significant to me, because it came on the Feast of St. John of the Cross, one of the Carmelite saints I love.

I was actually reading a book about St. John of the Cross the day that God came to me on the bus, and transformed me from an atheist into a believer in one instant!  He wrote a lot about the Dark Night of the Soul, and I have a feeling there is a connection between that and my abyss, a connection I have yet to discover, but need to explore.