Scandal in the Church

+JMJ+

I guess maybe I am hoping that if I write something about this, it will be a bit therapeutic--because right now, I am still reeling from all the horrible news that has come out recently about sexual abuse of minors and even seminarians in the Catholic Church.

Although of course the abuse of children is the worst, on some level, the abuse of seminarians by a Prince of the Church shocks me even more.  Everyone I have spoken to about this, even priests, are as horrified as I am, that someone who many people knew was engaging in ongoing sexual sin, could possibly have made it to the top of the hierarchy: an Archbishop, and then a Cardinal!

Has he no fear of God?  Does he even believe in God?  And what about those who knew, and did nothing to stop him?  I certainly understand falling into sin, because I was a very egregious sinner myself before I became Catholic--and of course I still sin every day, although not on the level I once did (mortal sin).  But when one falls hard, as McCarrick apparently did, what you do, if you care about having a holy life, is you go to Confession and you try with all your strength to stop doing whatever evil thing you were doing.  Did he even go to Confession?  I can't imagine that he did, to be honest. 

Despite all this horror, while I was talking to God about this the other night, I had this strong, clear sense, that somehow, this is going to bring about a "new Spring" in the Church--that people who are disgusted and horrified will want to become witnesses to the power of Christ in their lives, and many will flock to the priesthood and religious Orders in numbers we have not seen for decades.  Those of us who love Jesus and are free to do so will, I believe, be moved to offer our lives to make the Church more holy by our own holiness of life, lived within the structure of the Catholic Church.

Years ago, when I was working in the Library at the University of West Georgia, we had a lot of nasty, toxic people working there. One year, I had the idea of making a list of the entire staff, putting them into categories of Good, Mediocre and Bad.  The first time I did this, there was a preponderance of names in the Mediocre and Bad categories, but I often had some input into hiring, and I tried as hard as I could to find people to work for us who were Good--hard-working and competent, to be sure, but mainly kind and compassionate people.

Each Fall as the academic year began, I made my list over again, and the numbers gradually began to shift as some of the Bad and Mediocre people left, and were replaced with Good people--until finally, after several years, the number of Good and Mediocre employees outnumbered the Bad.  And, the morale and general atmosphere of the Library had definitely become better in a subtle way that I could not quantify, but which I could feel.

I believe this same thing can happen in the Catholic Church, as Bad and Mediocre leaders die off or are removed from the clerical state, and are replaced with Good ones.  It will take decades, but I truly believe it can happen, and that it will happen.  I even have the temerity to believe that the fact that I am being allowed by God to re-enter religious life now, at my advanced age, is because of this: with God's help, I am determined to lead a life of great holiness! 

I am praying for that: that I will receive the grace to be a good witness to Christ and spread His Love, and that all those who are not too discouraged, and who love the Church too much to leave, are praying for the renewal of the Church also. A lot of bad things have been done in the name of the Catholic Church, but many more good things have been done and are being done every day--but we mostly hear about the bad, because that is what the media thrive on. May God grant our prayers!  +

Chosen

+JMJ+

Yesterday, when I arrived very early at St. Theresa's for Confession, there was some kind of charismatic Mass and healing service going on in the Sanctuary.  I have never seen anything like that before, but after reading something a priest wrote about being Baptized in the Holy Spirit, I had always wished that I could be--so I quietly took a seat in the very back of the church near the Reconciliation Room to wait and see what would happen.  I believe that God places people in certain situations deliberately, so I was trying to be open to this experience, to get from it whatever He intended--and I wanted to try to participate spiritually in what was happening there. 

Tried... but could not. At the end of the Mass, the priest and Deacon called people up to the altar to receive Christ, to receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit;  both of them were apparently speaking in tongues, because they were making verbal sounds in some language that was definitely not English.  

I hate to say this, but it felt very forced... contrived.... artificial to me, and honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Perhaps it is just a function of my past experience in the Church, plus my personality, but I prefer a much more "interior" and austere participation in worship: still very passionate, but happening within not without--if that makes any sense.  Maybe I am just too self-conscious, I don't know.

But what occurred to me while sitting there, was that the experience I did have so long ago--when God came to me on a MARTA bus taking me home from work on September 11, 1981--may have actually been my Baptism in the Holy Spirit!  I had never thought about that before, but on that day, when I was enveloped with an incredible warmth from head to toe, and knew positively that I was in the Presence of God--I changed from an atheist into a believer in one instant, and was never the same since.  Jesus said it Himself, as reported in the Gospel of John: "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws them.."--and that is what happened. 

From that day forward, I have been consumed with a passionate love for God, burning like an unquenchable fire in my heart that just won't go away. Even during those horrible years after I left the convent, when I turned away from God because I blamed Him for the failure of my religious vocation (many years later He revealed to me that it was actually my fault, not His!)--I still was aware of His Presence in and around me, and I kept talking to Him, although in a very disrespectful, angry way.

About a year or so ago, by chance I came across and listened to a Catholic podcast on the web, in which the panel of priests and seminarians discussed the concept of particularity which, as they explained it, means that God works in each one of us individually, not as a group.  He does what He wills, what He wants to do, with each person separately, and thus He has different plans for each one of us.

This seems very mysterious to me, and hard to accept, because it implies that we are not all equal in His Divine Plan, which is an idea which Americans instinctively reject.  In our imaginations at least, we espouse the ideal of democracy and equality in everything--and yet, some people are clearly called to be Saints, evangelists, spouses, martyrs, parents, religious Sisters active in ministry, priests, vowed religious in monasteries, single in the world, consecrated virgins, etc., etc.--an incredible array of different forms of life.

Although I am uncomfortable talking about or even thinking this, if I am completely honest, I can see from examining my past life, that He clearly chose me--first to be Catholic, and then to have a religious vocation.  Read my story of how I got to the Catholic Church, and I think you will see that God actually pursued me until He finally got me into His Church!

I am different from other people, and I always have been.  I am not interested in the things that most people are interested in and never have been.  I always had a sense of "not fitting in," until I discovered religious life, which was the only state in which I was ever happy.  If I choose, I can remain in an almost constant state of prayer, which is God's Gift--people can't "make that happen," He has to give it to you. When I am driving to Mass, I have a sense of excitement, because I am on my way to meet my Lover. When I come into the Presence of the Blessed Sacrament, I experience an incredible sense of comfort, like coming home, and I never want to leave.

I was miserable for more than 25 years after I left religious life in 1990 at the age of 43--and when, in a seemingly "chance" encounter, a priest suggested to me that I had been wrong not to try again--and against all odds, I begged God to allow me to have a consecrated life again--He provided the way for this to happen within a matter of days. 

So yes, I am going to say it: He chose me.  I don't know why.  I am incredibly grateful.  And I pray only that I can become so immersed in Him, so surrendered to Him, so completely faithful to Him and His Will, that "I" disappear, and become one with God right here on earth. +

How Fast Things Are Changing!

+JMJ+

Wow: I haven't written anything in a while, but so much is happening!  

I returned slightly early from my visit to Concordia, because of my father's unexpected death on July 15th.  Even though he had not been in good health for many years, it still came as a shock.  I hate that I was not here, but I am grateful that I had been sending him frequent postcards with little notes, so he knew I was thinking about him... and so glad that he died at home in his own bed, and that he never had to go to a nursing home, which would have been devastating.  Although he was an avowed atheist, he was a very good man, upright and moral in every way--and he loved me so much!  Fr. Flaherty told me once that he believes there is room in Heaven for everyone, even atheists--so I am taking comfort in the thought that although he seemed to disavow Jesus, Jesus never disavowed him.  He is in this picture at a time when he was in his prime, the day I made my First Profession in the Dominicans in August 1987--so handsome, I always thought he looked like the actor, James Garner:

After I arrived home, I finally got my "official"letter from Sr. Jean Rosemarynoski, the President of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, inviting me to enter the Canonical Novitiate on October 15, 2018.  This is absolutely huge! While I was there, they gave me every indication that I was welcome and expected to return:  they showed me my room and invited me to rearrange the furniture--and gave me a mailbox in the office downstairs... but I knew that I still had to have my entrance voted on by the Leadership Council, and I was very nervous about that--especially since I had managed to alienate one of the LC members during the Lace Retreat.  Long story, but she was trying to teach me how to make bobbin lace, a CSJ tradition--but I was not a quick learner, and as I perceived that she was getting irritated with my slowness, I froze up (as I wrote in my previous post), and got even worse!  I hope I will find an opportunity to get to know her better--and she me--so she can find out that I'm really a very nice person after all!

Here are some pictures of my room-to-be, prior to my rearranging it.  I will post some updated pictures when I get there, and have everything unpacked!  This is from the hallway outside, looking into the room

Then, some pictures inside the room--again, before I moved all the furniture around:

And last, two pictures showing what I see outside my two windows. My room is in the back of the house, right by the fire escape.  In the 2nd picture, right beyond that red shed, is the train track! It is astonishingly close to the convent, and very loud, too!  But I love trains, and so I am sure it won't bother me one bit.

Currently, my plan is to leave Carrollton no later than October 13th, so I can be there by October 15th.