Damaged

+JMJ+

The book I just finished today, The Critical Journey: Stages of Faith, triggered something, an insight into myself which God completed for me in my prayer tonight.

I can now see the degree to which I bring upon myself some of the mistreatment I have been experiencing from Sr. MaryJo and Sr. Jean Ann:  simply put, I am a person who cringes, and such lack of self-confidence is not attractive.  

Because of the way I was brought up--to fear my mother, never allowed to argue with her about anything--I can't stand up to anyone. I apologize too much, and thus I bring out the worst in people who are inclined to be bullies, as both of them are.  I can easily see it in them, because I am inclined to be a bully myself, so I recognize it in others.  

My mother, in her autocratic arrogance, damaged me even more than I ever realized. 

I don't know how to deal with the residual anger I know I still have toward her.  I don't want to hate her, and I don't really think I do--but I do wish I could hurt her back, in revenge for the ways in which she hurt me.  That is definitely not Christ-like, and I don't want to feel that way!

If she ever apologized, I could easily forgive her, but because she cannot apologize--and doesn't even realize what she did to me and my brother, and to my father as well--I haven't been able to forgive her, even though I know I must.  Not sure what to do about this, except pray for the grace. 

On Being Gay and Catholic

+JMJ+

I have great empathy for gay people.  This began when, after my bitter divorce in 1977, I decided that I no longer wanted to be in the company of men, and so decided to act on my long-held theory that one could choose one's sexuality.  I started an affair with a lesbian who worked for me in the library, and spent the next six years trying to convince myself that I could be gay if I chose to be.  

Through my lover, I was introduced to a fascinating and largely invisible, "underworld" I never previously knew about.  By 1982, however, I had reluctantly concluded that I simply was not gay, and no amount of wishing would make it so.  I also became Catholic, and concomitant with that, accepted that I had to live in chastity. Unfortunately, I hurt a really good person very badly, and I will never cease to regret the collateral damage that occurred because of my crazy experiment. 

Then, in 2016, I was matched with a gay therapist through the online platform, TalkSpace.  I had insisted on being assigned to a practicing Catholic, and it never occurred to me that the person might also be gay. I was quite dismayed, due to my then rather rigid adherence to Catholic teaching--but I was so desperate for help with my anger problem, I decided to stay with him.

Over the next year or so of working with Joe, I became progressively more conflicted.  We got to know each other very well, and--because of the bond of our mutual strong Faith and love for the Church--we veered from therapy into spiritual direction very quickly. I saw what a truly holy person he is; in fact, I realized that he is completely dedicated to living for Jesus, and is actually a better Catholic than I am.  Because God put this amazing person into my life, I was finally forced into the uncomfortable position of continuing to adhere to Church teaching, while simultaneously deeply admiring and respecting a Catholic who was living in what the Church considers vile sinfulness. 

Joe's life partner, while not yet Catholic himself, is just like Joe: pure of heart, generous, loving and selfless.  Their relationship is beautiful and holy, a great blessing for which they are both extremely grateful.  They go to Mass together every week, and Joe goes to Confession twice a month. Over time, Joe and I came to truly love each other, becoming soul friends, and I somehow had to learn to accept that despite his domestic life as an actively gay man, Jesus must love him very much, because he has such a beautiful soul and is completely devoted to Him. 

I was separated from the Church the last time (2002) we had the problem of sexual scandal, and so it had not impacted me at all, but when the latest crisis broke, and I observed how conservative Catholics were climbing onto the "getting rid of  the perverted gay priests will solve the problem" bandwagon, I began to reflect even more on the interior conflict I had been avoiding: how could I believe Church teaching on sexual morality, particularly as it pertains to homosexuality, while simultaneously knowing and loving a person who is gay, and who is a far better Christian than I am?  I finally recognized that I could no longer accept the Church's position, that Joe and Matty's loving, committed relationship, is intrinsically disordered and bad--because I know in the depths of my being, that it isn't!  What they have together is good, true, beautiful and life-giving for themselves and all the people who know them. 

And so, I have made a huge mental leap.  We know that God can use anything, even bad things, for good, according to His Plan, and I am beginning to consider whether the inevitable discussion of homosexuality within the Church--which surely can no longer be avoided--may eventually result in changes in doctrine having to do with sexuality and the moral issues related to it.  Is it possible that great good may come out of the apparent evil and chaos we are now experiencing because of the sexual abuse crisis in the Church?

No doubt this will come after we are long gone, because the Church moves cautiously and glacially, as it should. But I am inspired to think that the fact that some people are clearly born gay, and did not choose their sexuality, it was chosen for them by God--must be accepted and accommodated within Catholic teaching. 

I believe that through Christ, God gave us a pathway to participating in His ongoing Creation,  Yes: He actually gave us, mere humans, the dignity and honor of working with Him on the evolution of the world, which we now see is not static, as the Church once assumed it was, but fluid and ever-changing.  Not only that, but we now know so much more about human psychology than we did when the majority of Catholic doctrine was promulgated, and doctrines pertaining to human life must change accordingly.

Vatican II seems to anticipate this possibility in Gaudium et Spes. Read this quote and tell me if you don't agree with me:

"If by the autonomy of earthly affairs we mean that created things and societies themselves enjoy their own laws and values which must be gradually deciphered, put to use, and regulated by men, then it is entirely right to demand that autonomy. Such is not merely required by modern man, but harmonizes also with the will of the Creator. For by the very circumstance of their having been created, all things are endowed with their own stability, truth, goodness, proper laws and order. Man must respect these as he isolates them by the appropriate methods of the individual sciences or arts. Therefore if methodical investigation within every branch of learning is carried out in a genuinely scientific manner and in accord with moral norms, it never truly conflicts with faith, for earthly matters and the concerns of faith derive from the same God …"

I am more and more hopeful that Church precepts which term homosexuality "intrinsically disordered" will ultimately pass away, and be replaced with a holistic doctrine which describes all relationships grounded in love as being good, and ordained by God for the happiness of human beings.

This post will remain on the web long after I am gone from the Earth, and I hope that someday, someone will find it and see that it was prophetic. 

Becoming a Woman of the Church

+JMJ+

God has led me to this moment in time, and the journey has been amazing.  Truly, His ways fill me with awe, reverence and gratitude!

I was just reading Matthew 3:13-17, which describes Jesus's Baptism by John, the act which began His public ministry.  He had to leave His mother--who was probably a widow by then--just as I have left my mother.  We don't know how Mary felt about that: perhaps, being the special person that she was, she understood what He had to do... or perhaps she didn't.. but certainly, as a mother, she was sad to see Him leave.  

My mother wasn't so much sad, as angry, but nevertheless, it was what I had to do, because my next step in life--the point to which God has led me, I believe and I hope--is to take the Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience in the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and become a woman of the Church.  

Doing so, I realized today, will give me a certain "legitimacy" in the eyes of other Catholics; being a Sister is like having a key to the church: it will let me in.  People will more readily accept that it is appropriate and "allowed" for me to minister among them, which is what I believe God has called me to do.  

The thing is, I have received grace upon grace, love immeasurable--and I must share with others the immense Love that I have received from my Beloved.

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12:48)

I won't be able to do much: I am certainly not going to have a big impact on the world, and because I am coming to this so late in life, whatever I do will not last long--but I know I am called to do something in cooperation with God, to bring His Kingdom on earth into being.  May it be so. 

Crosses

+JMJ+

I found myself wondering today, could something as simple and ordinary as cheerfully enduring boredom, actually be a sacrifice pleasing to God?

It makes sense to me that God will not ask more of us than He knows we are capable of giving--He knows what is possible and impossible for us, and so I think that if He asks it, we must be able to do it, even if we feel we can't!

I am inspired by stories of Christian martyrs, but I have so much fear of torture, I always hope I will never be tortured because I refuse to deny Christ--but I am occasionally tormented--and it feels like real suffering--by boredom when I am talking to people who are truly dull, and believe me, I am ashamed to admit this.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. 

But, is it possible that that is one of the sacrifices He asks of ME: to lovingly and patiently endure boredom for love of Him? 

I know this is a sacrifice my mother is not willing to make: she is so selfish,  that even though she is bored and discontented with her life in assisted living, she refuses to bother with the residents at The Oaks because they are not as smart as she is—she actually told me this the last time I visited her.  I thought that was very cold and heartless, because many of them are lonely and would love it if she would visit with them.

If I were she, I would take it upon myself to go around to peoples' rooms and chat with them, unless it seemed like they didn't want to--just on the grounds that the majority would probably welcome it.  At least I would try.  I would view it as a ministry.

However, I realize in advance that in some cases, what they would say would not be that interesting--but I'd do it anyway, purely out of love for God, in Whose image they were created.

Anyway, just wondering....

Temptation From the Devil?

+JMJ+

Not sure, but I think I may have experienced an "attack." Sarah and I talked last night about her upcoming Profession as an Agrégée.  I am ashamed to admit I felt a little jealous, and later last night (and continuing this morning), I had this persistent thought: 

"Why don't you just give up and ask to become an Agrégée--stop trying to become a Canonical Sister,  just let it go. It's probably vanity on your part anyway. If you become an Agrégée, you can keep your beautiful house, have pets, and not have to deal with difficult people anymore. The fact that you are thinking this, may be God trying to tell you something."

However, based on what I read this morning in Fr. Kevin O'Brien's book that I am using for the 19th Annotation, I suspect this may be a temptation coming from the Devil.  He says

"...the evil spirit, which Ignatius also calls the 'enemy of our human nature,' wants to discourage us and get us off-course. Sometimes ... the tactics are obvious: causing extreme doubt, confusion, anxiety and temptation.  As we grow in the spiritual life, the enemy must adjust its tactics and become more subtle, ... even suggesting thoughts that seem good and holy but actually lead us away from the praise, love and service of God." 

My time in prayer this morning has led me to that conclusion, because

• I truly believe God has called me to religious life, and I further believe He has asked me to give Him everything, holding back nothing
• I have observed from past and current experience of living in a convent, that religious life provides the structure and discipline I need in order to overcome my natural inclination toward sloth, and my tendency to indulge myself in ways that are unhealthy both physically and spiritually
• The best and fastest way for me to grow in virtue (especially humility which I desperately need), is by having to suffer the daily humiliations of rubbing up against others in Community--which I can avoid if I live alone
• It's a tremendous source of strength to know that I am surrounded by women who are also trying as hard as they can to lead a holy life

I hope that further discernment will make it clear to me that I am following the right path (toward becoming a Canonical member of the Congregation), and that if these are indeed temptations of the Devil, I will be given the grace to persevere and resist giving in to them.

What I Did on My Winter Vacation

+JMJ+

I recently traveled from my home at Manna House to my former home in Georgia.  Since I needed to drive, it was a 2-day trip, and I stayed the first night at a hotel in St. Louis, which is about halfway.  One of my Facebook Friends, whom I have never actually met, saw my check-in post--I can never resist keeping people updated on my whereabouts and movements!--and commented that I was welcome to stay with her on my way back to Kansas in two weeks.  

Such a kind and generous offer!  --but those who know me, know that I am quite shy, and so my immediate temptation was to politely decline: after all, we had never even met, and only had one mutual friend on Facebook!

I believe that the Holy Spirit intervened before I could act, however, because in a few seconds, it occurred to me that:

•      What would be more consistent with the Vow of Poverty I hope to take at the end of my Novice year, than avoiding paying for a hotel room if I did not actually need to? 
•    When commissioning His disciples, Jesus instructed them in Matthew 10:11:  "...whatever town or village you enter, find out who is worthy in it, and stay with him until you depart" --which I believe was also the custom of the itinerant Jesuit priest who founded our Order in 1650
• As an aspiring Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia, perhaps I was being called at this moment to offer our "ministry of presence" to this self-described lonely widow!

So, I sent her a message accepting her gracious offer, we exchanged phone numbers, and she gave me her address, only a few miles away from downtown St. Louis.

I confess I was a little nervous when I set out on my return trip: what would this experience be like?  Would we get along?  I checked to see who our mutual friend was, and it turned out to be the mother of a 2nd cousin, with whom I had connected many years before, because we are both librarians. The mutual friend (the librarian's mother) has since died, but I knew she loved to travel, so it was not surprising to me that she had a friend in St. Louis.  I left as early as I could that morning, because I felt that because of the hospitality she was extending to a total stranger, I owed it to her to get there as early as possible, so that we would have time to talk and get to know each other.

When I arrived, she was very warm, gave me a hug at the street as I got out of my car, and helped me with my overnight luggage.  I found her house to be very charming, and I loved that her dog greeted me at the door!

Soon I was ensconced on her couch with a glass of wine, and naturally, our first topic of conversation was our rather remote Facebook connection, our one mutual friend--who turned out to be her mother!  It only took a few more moments for us to realize, to our utter astonishment, that my father was her uncle!  And, she is the sister of my librarian cousin, whom I never even knew had a sister!  Since we do not have the same last name, it never even crossed my mind that we might be related!!!

It quickly became very clear to me that God had indeed sent me to her.  She is suffering a great deal, mainly because her youngest son, an accomplished scientist, has a serious chronic illness which has caused him to be unable to work, and for which he has had numerous surgeries simply in order to survive--and more are scheduled over the next year.  Furthermore, there are indications that her husband's exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam may be the cause of his illness (not to mention her husband's early death), which has a genetic origin.  As if that were not enough, she and her sister are also convinced that their beloved mother's unexpected death a few years ago, was the result of medical malpractice.  

Because of all the pain in her life, she is bitter and angry at God.  Miraculously, she has not lost her faith, but she is seriously questioning how God could let all this happen to her son, and to her.  I was silently praying all the time while I was talking to her, that He would give me the right words to say, because I knew I was not adequate to the task before me.

That night, as I was praying in bed, I wept--partly because I felt such intense sorrow over her plight--which I am powerless to change--but also with joy and wonder at the intricacy of His plan (which brought us together), and profound gratitude that He actually trusts us so much, that He uses us to help Him to do His work on earth.  

I do not know what the end of this story will be, but a strong relationship has certainly been forged. I am sending her a book dealing with abandonment to God's providence which was recently given to me by my spiritual director--which has been a great help to me--because I hope it may help her as well.  She likes to travel, and has assured me that she will come to visit me in Concordia, and I am hoping that some of my Sisters here, wiser in the spiritual life than I, will help her to come to a place of trust, acceptance and healing. 

Why We Came | Commonweal Magazine

+JMJ+

Very pleased to have had my conversion story published in Commonweal this month.

https://www.commonwealmagazine.org/why-we-came

Late to the Vineyard

+JMJ+

We all remember Jesus’s parable of the laborers in the vineyard, recounted in Matthew 20:1-16. A landowner hires workers for the day and they agree to work for one denarius, but several times later during the day, he found other workers idle in the marketplace and invited them to come and work too. 

At the end of the day, he called them together, paying the ones hired last, first--and going on up the line, ending with the ones who had come early in the morning and worked the longest. But, to everyone’s surprise, the landowner paid the same amount to each of them, even though some had worked all day, while others, only an hour!

Some of the ones who had come early grumbled about this, because they expected to be paid more, to which the landowner replied, “‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”

In this story, I am the worker who was hired at 5:00pm, and the Sisters already in the Community are the workers who have labored in the vineyard of religious life all day--and yet, God in His incredible generosity, has given me the same reward as He gave them: the opportunity to offer Him my entire life, to give Him everything--to live out my vocation as a Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.

I am blessed beyond measure by this unbelievably generous gift, and I am deeply grateful. May God grant that I will be allowed to make my Profession this coming Fall. +

Lord, You Are My Portion and Cup

+JMJ+

Today's Communion Antiphon:

     Everyone who has given up home, brothers, or sisters, father or mother, wife or children or property for My sake will receive many times as much and inherit everlasting life.

It is so obvious to me now, that I spent my entire life dominated by my mother.  She controlled me and everyone else through emotional manipulation, through a charming performance that convinced all except those who lived in close contact with her--that is, we who experienced her anger and cruelty and know what she is really like.

I was afraid of her, and constantly tried to please her, but she never appreciated anything I did.  She routinely insulted and hurt me, openly displayed her complete contempt for me--and yet I stupidly kept trying.  She never opened up to me or anyone else as a real person, apparently because she has to be in control of everything, all the time, and can never risk displaying the slightest amount of vulnerability.  I think she never really trusts anyone.

I would still be in bondage to her, were it not for the wonderful gift God sent, my therapist--and now spiritual friend--Joe.  Somehow--and I don't really understand how--he enabled me to see her as she is and to break free--and in so doing, release me from the grip of unbearable rage: I was in torment and in a horrible state of sin, but Confession wasn't helping and I did not know how to escape.  God saw this, and He sent me a person with a pure heart and beautiful soul, through whom He could save me.  

And so now, here I am, living in a convent in Kansas, finally fulfilling the plan I am so convinced He had for me from the beginning.  It feels like a miracle, because it is a miracle. 

My life is peaceful and beautiful... I am unbelievably happy, but I have a sense that He is preparing me for something, that He is going to ask me for something.  I have no idea what that will be, but I am praying that I will recognize it when it comes, and that I will be open to His Holy Will, totally surrendered to Him.  I am so completely His now, that I have lost the "edges:"  I can no longer perceive where He begins and ends, because He is everything to me, my All in All--it is impossible to express this in words, but I am in and of Him, in every possible way, and I exist in the unutterable bliss of that awareness. +