+JMJ+

I've had a low-grade fever for a couple of days, and was feeling so ill and dizzy this morning, I went back to bed after a cup of coffee, first emailing our retreat director to say I would not be in the Zoom conference today.  Inevitably, I wondered if I had possibly acquired COVID, and I was thinking how ironic it would be if I had it now, while on a retreat focusing on it!   

As I was lying in bed, hurting all over and wishing I could go back to sleep, I wondered if I were dying--do people know when they are?  I am certainly old enough--and, ever the practical one, I realized that I haven't yet made a will, and so I pictured myself writing something on a sheet of paper with a Magic Marker and taping it up on the wall, telling whoever found me to be sure to send my ashes, my Profession cross, my ring and my pin back to Concordia.  

I thought about how disappointing it would seem to die now, after I have finally gotten everything I wanted and needed in life--but then it occurred to me how appropriate that would be--and rather perfect--to die when you have found complete happiness. 

Because I have been given the gift of having so much trust in God that I don't question what happens anymore, I was not worried or upset about dying: I felt peaceful and confident that whatever might happen today, God was doing exactly what was right for me, and that I have nothing to fear. I did tell Him how sorry I am that I accomplished so little with all that He has given me, but too late now!  Throwing myself on His mercy: what else can I do?