Lord, You Are My Portion and Cup

+JMJ+

Today's Communion Antiphon:

     Everyone who has given up home, brothers, or sisters, father or mother, wife or children or property for My sake will receive many times as much and inherit everlasting life.

It is so obvious to me now, that I spent my entire life dominated by my mother.  She controlled me and everyone else through emotional manipulation, through a charming performance that convinced all except those who lived in close contact with her--that is, we who experienced her anger and cruelty and know what she is really like.

I was afraid of her, and constantly tried to please her, but she never appreciated anything I did.  She routinely insulted and hurt me, openly displayed her complete contempt for me--and yet I stupidly kept trying.  She never opened up to me or anyone else as a real person, apparently because she has to be in control of everything, all the time, and can never risk displaying the slightest amount of vulnerability.  I think she never really trusts anyone.

I would still be in bondage to her, were it not for the wonderful gift God sent, my therapist--and now spiritual friend--Joe.  Somehow--and I don't really understand how--he enabled me to see her as she is and to break free--and in so doing, release me from the grip of unbearable rage: I was in torment and in a horrible state of sin, but Confession wasn't helping and I did not know how to escape.  God saw this, and He sent me a person with a pure heart and beautiful soul, through whom He could save me.  

And so now, here I am, living in a convent in Kansas, finally fulfilling the plan I am so convinced He had for me from the beginning.  It feels like a miracle, because it is a miracle. 

My life is peaceful and beautiful... I am unbelievably happy, but I have a sense that He is preparing me for something, that He is going to ask me for something.  I have no idea what that will be, but I am praying that I will recognize it when it comes, and that I will be open to His Holy Will, totally surrendered to Him.  I am so completely His now, that I have lost the "edges:"  I can no longer perceive where He begins and ends, because He is everything to me, my All in All--it is impossible to express this in words, but I am in and of Him, in every possible way, and I exist in the unutterable bliss of that awareness. +

Settling In

+JMJ+

So, so happy here!  Every day, I feel myself getting closer to God and more obedient and devoted to Him.  Most of the Sisters in this house are not very warm people, but even when they are cold or curt, it seems to have no effect on me at all!  In the past, I would have been unable to avoid reacting and getting my feelings hurt, but now, my gaze is fixed on Jesus, and the little hurts inflicted by those around me just roll off my back--it seems almost unbelievable!  I have never been like this before, and I just love it.  Small sufferings... that I love to offer to Him, in gratitude for allowing me to live here. 

I am completely contented at last.  If I once in a while experience a second of two of regretting the loss of my beautiful house and my freedom to do as I please, all I have to do is remember how depressed I was living in Georgia, how empty my life seemed--and how full and happy it feels here--and I snap right out of it.  It is so obvious that this is the place and the life God intended for me, and I am so very grateful!

Earlier this week, I went to Confession to Fr. David, the pastor of the church next door to the convent, and he happened to mention that the woman who had been unlocking the church early in the morning for him had recently gone into assisted living, so I spontaneously offered to take that on.  I met with him the next day, and I now have a key to the church, and the responsibility of opening it and turning on the lights each morning around 6:15am.  It means getting up at 5:00am instead 5:30--but, a small sacrifice that I am very happy to make.  I love being able to help him out in this way.

And, the other great thing about this, is that I have about a half hour alone before the Blessed Sacrament before people start coming in.  My days in the convent are so full, I sometimes would procrastinate, and neglect to get my daily prayer time in before the day ended--but no more, because I can have it in the church each morning, which is perfect!  

How Fast Things Are Changing!

+JMJ+

Wow: I haven't written anything in a while, but so much is happening!  

I returned slightly early from my visit to Concordia, because of my father's unexpected death on July 15th.  Even though he had not been in good health for many years, it still came as a shock.  I hate that I was not here, but I am grateful that I had been sending him frequent postcards with little notes, so he knew I was thinking about him... and so glad that he died at home in his own bed, and that he never had to go to a nursing home, which would have been devastating.  Although he was an avowed atheist, he was a very good man, upright and moral in every way--and he loved me so much!  Fr. Flaherty told me once that he believes there is room in Heaven for everyone, even atheists--so I am taking comfort in the thought that although he seemed to disavow Jesus, Jesus never disavowed him.  He is in this picture at a time when he was in his prime, the day I made my First Profession in the Dominicans in August 1987--so handsome, I always thought he looked like the actor, James Garner:

After I arrived home, I finally got my "official"letter from Sr. Jean Rosemarynoski, the President of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, inviting me to enter the Canonical Novitiate on October 15, 2018.  This is absolutely huge! While I was there, they gave me every indication that I was welcome and expected to return:  they showed me my room and invited me to rearrange the furniture--and gave me a mailbox in the office downstairs... but I knew that I still had to have my entrance voted on by the Leadership Council, and I was very nervous about that--especially since I had managed to alienate one of the LC members during the Lace Retreat.  Long story, but she was trying to teach me how to make bobbin lace, a CSJ tradition--but I was not a quick learner, and as I perceived that she was getting irritated with my slowness, I froze up (as I wrote in my previous post), and got even worse!  I hope I will find an opportunity to get to know her better--and she me--so she can find out that I'm really a very nice person after all!

Here are some pictures of my room-to-be, prior to my rearranging it.  I will post some updated pictures when I get there, and have everything unpacked!  This is from the hallway outside, looking into the room

Then, some pictures inside the room--again, before I moved all the furniture around:

And last, two pictures showing what I see outside my two windows. My room is in the back of the house, right by the fire escape.  In the 2nd picture, right beyond that red shed, is the train track! It is astonishingly close to the convent, and very loud, too!  But I love trains, and so I am sure it won't bother me one bit.

Currently, my plan is to leave Carrollton no later than October 13th, so I can be there by October 15th.