On Being Gay and Catholic

+JMJ+

I have great empathy for gay people.  This began when, after my bitter divorce in 1977, I decided that I no longer wanted to be in the company of men, and so decided to act on my long-held theory that one could choose one's sexuality.  I started an affair with a lesbian who worked for me in the library, and spent the next six years trying to convince myself that I could be gay if I chose to be.  

Through my lover, I was introduced to a fascinating and largely invisible, "underworld" I never previously knew about.  By 1982, however, I had reluctantly concluded that I simply was not gay, and no amount of wishing would make it so.  I also became Catholic, and concomitant with that, accepted that I had to live in chastity. Unfortunately, I hurt a really good person very badly, and I will never cease to regret the collateral damage that occurred because of my crazy experiment. 

Then, in 2016, I was matched with a gay therapist through the online platform, TalkSpace.  I had insisted on being assigned to a practicing Catholic, and it never occurred to me that the person might also be gay. I was quite dismayed, due to my then rather rigid adherence to Catholic teaching--but I was so desperate for help with my anger problem, I decided to stay with him.

Over the next year or so of working with Joe, I became progressively more conflicted.  We got to know each other very well, and--because of the bond of our mutual strong Faith and love for the Church--we veered from therapy into spiritual direction very quickly. I saw what a truly holy person he is; in fact, I realized that he is completely dedicated to living for Jesus, and is actually a better Catholic than I am.  Because God put this amazing person into my life, I was finally forced into the uncomfortable position of continuing to adhere to Church teaching, while simultaneously deeply admiring and respecting a Catholic who was living in what the Church considers vile sinfulness. 

Joe's life partner, while not yet Catholic himself, is just like Joe: pure of heart, generous, loving and selfless.  Their relationship is beautiful and holy, a great blessing for which they are both extremely grateful.  They go to Mass together every week, and Joe goes to Confession twice a month. Over time, Joe and I came to truly love each other, becoming soul friends, and I somehow had to learn to accept that despite his domestic life as an actively gay man, Jesus must love him very much, because he has such a beautiful soul and is completely devoted to Him. 

I was separated from the Church the last time (2002) we had the problem of sexual scandal, and so it had not impacted me at all, but when the latest crisis broke, and I observed how conservative Catholics were climbing onto the "getting rid of  the perverted gay priests will solve the problem" bandwagon, I began to reflect even more on the interior conflict I had been avoiding: how could I believe Church teaching on sexual morality, particularly as it pertains to homosexuality, while simultaneously knowing and loving a person who is gay, and who is a far better Christian than I am?  I finally recognized that I could no longer accept the Church's position, that Joe and Matty's loving, committed relationship, is intrinsically disordered and bad--because I know in the depths of my being, that it isn't!  What they have together is good, true, beautiful and life-giving for themselves and all the people who know them. 

And so, I have made a huge mental leap.  We know that God can use anything, even bad things, for good, according to His Plan, and I am beginning to consider whether the inevitable discussion of homosexuality within the Church--which surely can no longer be avoided--may eventually result in changes in doctrine having to do with sexuality and the moral issues related to it.  Is it possible that great good may come out of the apparent evil and chaos we are now experiencing because of the sexual abuse crisis in the Church?

No doubt this will come after we are long gone, because the Church moves cautiously and glacially, as it should. But I am inspired to think that the fact that some people are clearly born gay, and did not choose their sexuality, it was chosen for them by God--must be accepted and accommodated within Catholic teaching. 

I believe that through Christ, God gave us a pathway to participating in His ongoing Creation,  Yes: He actually gave us, mere humans, the dignity and honor of working with Him on the evolution of the world, which we now see is not static, as the Church once assumed it was, but fluid and ever-changing.  Not only that, but we now know so much more about human psychology than we did when the majority of Catholic doctrine was promulgated, and doctrines pertaining to human life must change accordingly.

Vatican II seems to anticipate this possibility in Gaudium et Spes. Read this quote and tell me if you don't agree with me:

"If by the autonomy of earthly affairs we mean that created things and societies themselves enjoy their own laws and values which must be gradually deciphered, put to use, and regulated by men, then it is entirely right to demand that autonomy. Such is not merely required by modern man, but harmonizes also with the will of the Creator. For by the very circumstance of their having been created, all things are endowed with their own stability, truth, goodness, proper laws and order. Man must respect these as he isolates them by the appropriate methods of the individual sciences or arts. Therefore if methodical investigation within every branch of learning is carried out in a genuinely scientific manner and in accord with moral norms, it never truly conflicts with faith, for earthly matters and the concerns of faith derive from the same God …"

I am more and more hopeful that Church precepts which term homosexuality "intrinsically disordered" will ultimately pass away, and be replaced with a holistic doctrine which describes all relationships grounded in love as being good, and ordained by God for the happiness of human beings.

This post will remain on the web long after I am gone from the Earth, and I hope that someday, someone will find it and see that it was prophetic. 

Becoming a Woman of the Church

+JMJ+

God has led me to this moment in time, and the journey has been amazing.  Truly, His ways fill me with awe, reverence and gratitude!

I was just reading Matthew 3:13-17, which describes Jesus's Baptism by John, the act which began His public ministry.  He had to leave His mother--who was probably a widow by then--just as I have left my mother.  We don't know how Mary felt about that: perhaps, being the special person that she was, she understood what He had to do... or perhaps she didn't.. but certainly, as a mother, she was sad to see Him leave.  

My mother wasn't so much sad, as angry, but nevertheless, it was what I had to do, because my next step in life--the point to which God has led me, I believe and I hope--is to take the Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience in the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and become a woman of the Church.  

Doing so, I realized today, will give me a certain "legitimacy" in the eyes of other Catholics; being a Sister is like having a key to the church: it will let me in.  People will more readily accept that it is appropriate and "allowed" for me to minister among them, which is what I believe God has called me to do.  

The thing is, I have received grace upon grace, love immeasurable--and I must share with others the immense Love that I have received from my Beloved.

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12:48)

I won't be able to do much: I am certainly not going to have a big impact on the world, and because I am coming to this so late in life, whatever I do will not last long--but I know I am called to do something in cooperation with God, to bring His Kingdom on earth into being.  May it be so. 

Crosses

+JMJ+

I found myself wondering today, could something as simple and ordinary as cheerfully enduring boredom, actually be a sacrifice pleasing to God?

It makes sense to me that God will not ask more of us than He knows we are capable of giving--He knows what is possible and impossible for us, and so I think that if He asks it, we must be able to do it, even if we feel we can't!

I am inspired by stories of Christian martyrs, but I have so much fear of torture, I always hope I will never be tortured because I refuse to deny Christ--but I am occasionally tormented--and it feels like real suffering--by boredom when I am talking to people who are truly dull, and believe me, I am ashamed to admit this.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. 

But, is it possible that that is one of the sacrifices He asks of ME: to lovingly and patiently endure boredom for love of Him? 

I know this is a sacrifice my mother is not willing to make: she is so selfish,  that even though she is bored and discontented with her life in assisted living, she refuses to bother with the residents at The Oaks because they are not as smart as she is—she actually told me this the last time I visited her.  I thought that was very cold and heartless, because many of them are lonely and would love it if she would visit with them.

If I were she, I would take it upon myself to go around to peoples' rooms and chat with them, unless it seemed like they didn't want to--just on the grounds that the majority would probably welcome it.  At least I would try.  I would view it as a ministry.

However, I realize in advance that in some cases, what they would say would not be that interesting--but I'd do it anyway, purely out of love for God, in Whose image they were created.

Anyway, just wondering....

An In-Breaking of Grace

+JMJ+

I received an indescribable experience of grace this morning while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, after reading a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances

acting on your own good will)

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

I am at a loss for words to adequately express what I saw, but I began to cry, as I suddenly realized how terribly limited I am, how much I still have to learn about God, how weak my faith is, how I am really only at the beginning of my spiritual journey.  And how much I need to be healed--yet I am mute, lacking the voice or the courage or the humility to even cry out to Him as He goes by, "Lord Jesus Christ, heal me!" I see now that I am absolutely desperate to be loved, and that one of the reasons I am here in Concordia is because I am seeking a family, hoping to find the family I need, but do not have.  

 

There were so many tears in my eyes, I realized I couldn't even see the Host in the Monstrance, which seemed somehow poetic and appropriate to the moment--and then, for some reason, I suddenly thought of the picture of the Sacred Heart in my room, which I always believed was a representation of Jesus offering His Heart to us (which it is)--but I understand now that there is another hidden meaning behind those Sacred Heart pictures--what He is also doing is offering our hearts back to us: our hearts after they have been transformed and healed by His Love--which we are welcome to accept or reject as we choose.  A heart fully open and clear of expectations and preconceptions, completely free to love as He loves, if we only have the courage to accept it.

Chosen

+JMJ+

Yesterday, when I arrived very early at St. Theresa's for Confession, there was some kind of charismatic Mass and healing service going on in the Sanctuary.  I have never seen anything like that before, but after reading something a priest wrote about being Baptized in the Holy Spirit, I had always wished that I could be--so I quietly took a seat in the very back of the church near the Reconciliation Room to wait and see what would happen.  I believe that God places people in certain situations deliberately, so I was trying to be open to this experience, to get from it whatever He intended--and I wanted to try to participate spiritually in what was happening there. 

Tried... but could not. At the end of the Mass, the priest and Deacon called people up to the altar to receive Christ, to receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit;  both of them were apparently speaking in tongues, because they were making verbal sounds in some language that was definitely not English.  

I hate to say this, but it felt very forced... contrived.... artificial to me, and honestly, it made me uncomfortable. Perhaps it is just a function of my past experience in the Church, plus my personality, but I prefer a much more "interior" and austere participation in worship: still very passionate, but happening within not without--if that makes any sense.  Maybe I am just too self-conscious, I don't know.

But what occurred to me while sitting there, was that the experience I did have so long ago--when God came to me on a MARTA bus taking me home from work on September 11, 1981--may have actually been my Baptism in the Holy Spirit!  I had never thought about that before, but on that day, when I was enveloped with an incredible warmth from head to toe, and knew positively that I was in the Presence of God--I changed from an atheist into a believer in one instant, and was never the same since.  Jesus said it Himself, as reported in the Gospel of John: "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws them.."--and that is what happened. 

From that day forward, I have been consumed with a passionate love for God, burning like an unquenchable fire in my heart that just won't go away. Even during those horrible years after I left the convent, when I turned away from God because I blamed Him for the failure of my religious vocation (many years later He revealed to me that it was actually my fault, not His!)--I still was aware of His Presence in and around me, and I kept talking to Him, although in a very disrespectful, angry way.

About a year or so ago, by chance I came across and listened to a Catholic podcast on the web, in which the panel of priests and seminarians discussed the concept of particularity which, as they explained it, means that God works in each one of us individually, not as a group.  He does what He wills, what He wants to do, with each person separately, and thus He has different plans for each one of us.

This seems very mysterious to me, and hard to accept, because it implies that we are not all equal in His Divine Plan, which is an idea which Americans instinctively reject.  In our imaginations at least, we espouse the ideal of democracy and equality in everything--and yet, some people are clearly called to be Saints, evangelists, spouses, martyrs, parents, religious Sisters active in ministry, priests, vowed religious in monasteries, single in the world, consecrated virgins, etc., etc.--an incredible array of different forms of life.

Although I am uncomfortable talking about or even thinking this, if I am completely honest, I can see from examining my past life, that He clearly chose me--first to be Catholic, and then to have a religious vocation.  Read my story of how I got to the Catholic Church, and I think you will see that God actually pursued me until He finally got me into His Church!

I am different from other people, and I always have been.  I am not interested in the things that most people are interested in and never have been.  I always had a sense of "not fitting in," until I discovered religious life, which was the only state in which I was ever happy.  If I choose, I can remain in an almost constant state of prayer, which is God's Gift--people can't "make that happen," He has to give it to you. When I am driving to Mass, I have a sense of excitement, because I am on my way to meet my Lover. When I come into the Presence of the Blessed Sacrament, I experience an incredible sense of comfort, like coming home, and I never want to leave.

I was miserable for more than 25 years after I left religious life in 1990 at the age of 43--and when, in a seemingly "chance" encounter, a priest suggested to me that I had been wrong not to try again--and against all odds, I begged God to allow me to have a consecrated life again--He provided the way for this to happen within a matter of days. 

So yes, I am going to say it: He chose me.  I don't know why.  I am incredibly grateful.  And I pray only that I can become so immersed in Him, so surrendered to Him, so completely faithful to Him and His Will, that "I" disappear, and become one with God right here on earth. +

Particularity and Election

+JMJ+

I listened to a podcast recently which I found out about quite accidentally, because someone posted a link to it on Facebook:

https://catholicstuffpodcast.com/podcast/2010/11/23/election-vocation-and-mission.html

... and although I didn't especially care for the tone of these guys (seminarians who sound like frat boys), it was so helpful to me.

I have had this years-long guilt complex about the fact that God seems to have singled me out for special blessings... when I review my life, it appears to me as though He relentlessly pursued me since childhood--while I resisted and ignored Him for years--and that miraculously, He gave me this amazing gift of loving Him passionately--an overwhelming, irresistible desire to give my life totally to Him .... ALL THAT, in spite of the fact that I am so COMPLETELY UNDESERVING of it, completely unworthy of being loved so much!

This podcast really answered that for me, because they explained the idea of particularity and election--that God loves each person in a special way, and gives different graces to different people: He love us as individuals, not just one big group--just as we humans love some people differently than we do others.  It made so much sense, and finally put to rest my perpetual uneasiness about the apparent unfairness of Him choosing ME to receive such incredible gifts... and moreover, that I really AM lovable, in my own unique, quirky, messed up, sinful way!

So: it's OK for me to enjoy His gift, revel in it, reciprocate it... because it's a complete gift He decided--for some unfathomable reason--to give to ME. I know I am not explaining this very well... I hope it makes some sense.

Needless to say, afterwards I spent a glorious--albeit sleepless--night, in joyful communion with Him. I can just love Jesus now, with all that incredible passion that's in my heart, and with no guilt about how wonderfully glorious it is to be loved so much back!

.

Approaching Abandonment to God's Will

+JMJ+ 

I haven't written anything here in awhile, and I realize now that it is because I have been neglecting my prayer life for quite some time.  I didn't do that deliberately, but I have been so preoccupied with keeping things going on a daily basis since my father broke his hip and went into rehab, that I stopped making time with God a priority as I had in the past--and just when I needed it most. 

Recently, while talking with Fr. Mario, I finally understood that although I had been saying that I accepted that this life I have is God's will for me--and that I must patiently endure it--I had actually NOT accepted it at all;  instead, I have been fighting God constantly, with a heart secretly full of resentment and anger.  Anger mainly directed at my parents, I am very ashamed to admit--since it is not their fault!  I truly do believe that God does not make mistakes, and that He has me here for a reason--a reason not at all clear to me, but that doesn't matter, because I know He is doing what is best for me, what will ultimately bring me closer to Him--and that is what I want, too.  

I am also ashamed to admit that my current life is a source of great suffering for me, simply because I have such a strong will and basically, want to be in control of my life: I want what I want--and I wanted God to go along with me.  So, I have been doing it all wrong for a long time, and I am resolved to stop refusing the suffering that comes with this. I am determined to be calm and patient, knowing that He will release me when He has accomplished in my soul what He wishes to do.  It may be sooner, or it may be later, I have no idea, but I have to wait on Him.  This acceptance has brought me to a new level of calm and happiness.   

Recognizing that I had not been spending much time with God in prayer either, I decided to pray for at least an hour today, and a revelation came with that.  He told me that I need to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard--that what He wants is just to be with me, and have me be with Him. What He wants, is the most valuable thing I have--the only thing I have worth giving to Him--my time. If I give Him the time He wants, He can and will heal me from the wounds which I have deeply buried in my consciousness, one of which was revealed to me today while I prayed.  That is, I am psychologically primed to expect rejection.

I have not experienced much love in my life, and so, without admitting it, I had convinced myself that I did not need love--simply because I could not bear any more rejection.  My assumption, when I left the Dominicans, was that--even though I loved Him with my whole heart and wanted only to give my life to Him--that God Himself had rejected me!  --and so I endured more than 20 years of terrible pain and separation from Him until I finally found my way back to the Church on November 18, 2015. 

When Fr. Rafa hugged me at the end of Confession that night, to welcome me back, it was the first time I had allowed anyone to touch me for more than 25 years.  But it felt wonderful--I had forgotten what it was like to be embraced!  Having opened myself to love again, I have found it. Fr. Rafa taught me to relate directly to Jesus in my prayer, instead of the more impersonal "God," and that transformed my prayer life in an incredible way.  Also, I have made beautiful friends from among the members of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, friends who support me both spiritually and emotionally. It is the same when I visit the Sisters of St. Joseph in Concordia: I feel totally loved and accepted. Fr. Mario is also an exceptionally kind and loving person, and I am so grateful that God sent him to OLPH!  I feel as though I am finally becoming well again. +

Allow Yourself To Be Inflamed With God's Love

+JMJ+

"Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love" (John 15:19) 

There is a powerful but invisible energy imparted to the world when hearts adore God... during every second we spend in adoration, in worship--opening ourselves to Him and letting our love flow to Him--His love is flowing back to us and into the world.

In the Divine Mercy picture, painted from Saint Faustina's description of her vision of Christ, that is what the beams coming from Jesus' Sacred Heart are: they represent the love flowing out of His heart to us.

Spend every bit of time you can, loving Him and letting Him love you! You need His love, and by loving Him, you are also allowing that energy of love to enter you and our universe, making the world whole and holy. All the evil in the world can be burned up in the fire of God's love, if enough of us spend time just loving Him.

Love Him, love Him, love Him! Together with God, you can change the world.

Women in the Church

+JMJ+

I have to say at the outset, that my thoughts on this subject are not yet well-formed, and I reserve the right to edit this later!

I know some women who feel very much excluded by the Church, because we do not ordain women to the priesthood.  This is an issue that has never been a problem for me, perhaps because--as a convert--I tend to be a fairly conservative Catholic.  I entered the Church because I believe it is truly the Church founded by Christ and descended to us from the Apostles, who were all chosen by Jesus and who were all male. This is what the Catechism has to say about it:

"Only a baptized man (vir) validly receives sacred ordination. The Lord Jesus chose men (viri) to form the college of the twelve apostles, and the apostles did the same when they chose collaborators to succeed them in their ministry. The college of bishops, with whom the priests are united in the priesthood, makes the college of the twelve an ever-present and ever-active reality until Christ's return. The Church recognizes herself to be bound by this choice made by the Lord himself. For this reason, the ordination of women is not possible."

So, to me, that is the end of the argument and no further discussion is called for. 

I have an overwhelming, personal devotion to Jesus.  In fact, I think of Him as my Lover, my Spouse, in the way that, in the past, vowed religious women also did.  As a female, it is not a big leap for me to truly fall in love with one of the Persons of the Trinity, the one who came to us as a man.  Although I know that consecrated men and many laymen also love Jesus, because they are male, I don't think they can really love Him the way I can, the way all women can, by virtue of being female.  The relationship we women can have with Him really is a marriage, if one falls deeply in love with Him. 

Thus,  I feel that in a very profound way, women actually in some sense have an even greater role in the Church than any man can, by virtue of our sex--because we can be Jesus's spouses on earth, and there is no closer relationship than that.  Sometimes, when I look around at Daily Mass--where you see few men--I think to myself we are actually the foundation of the Church, the remnant.  Men can and do love Jesus, of course:  but they cannot love Him with the all-consuming passion that women do, simply because they are not women. Because of the way God made us, our sexuality enters into every relationship we have, even though it is totally chaste.

Why is God So Good?

+JMJ+

I have been showered with blessings in my life:  it seems to me that I have received so much special attention from God, it makes me feel guilty, because I know I don't deserve it.  I have never been able to understand why He is so good to me--when I have led such a terribly sinful life in the past.

I am overflowing with love and gratitude, and I have asked Him all the time, "Why me?"  --but never got an answer.

Jesus said that whatever we ask the Father in His Name, we will receive... but for some inexplicable reason, I have tended to be reluctant to ask for anything for myself.  However, as I wrote recently, I received another amazing gift when He quickly answered my desperate prayer for a chance to return to religious life--and so today, I decided to ask the Father for something I lack:  a pure heart, a loving heart, to be able to love as Jesus loves.

And then it came to me... or I guess it was the Holy Spirit that told me... the reason why He has been so good to me is because He wants me to have that deep desire--that compulsion--to love as Jesus loves.

Simply to love as Jesus loves, because that is what He wants, and it is the only thing I can do to give something back to Him in return for all that He has given me.  He wants each one of us, me included, to be so overwhelmingly grateful for what He has given, that the only way we can think of responding--and we can't help but feel the need to respond--is to give Him what He wants:  our unconditional love of others, to love as He loves. 

Love is all we have to give, and love is all He wants.  And now I can finally stop asking, "Why?" +

Living With Jesus

---------------------------------------------------------------------

+JMJ+

Living with Jesus has opened up life to me in a way I never imagined.  First, there is the pure joy of loving Him, which, once you discover Him, you will do, because you cannot help it.  His tenderness and love make you love Him: being loved the way He loves you is irresistible, because you have never before experienced anything like it. Total acceptance.  Total forgiveness, no matter what you have done or will do. Total freedom to really be yourself at last. 

Then, there is the newly-found"wideness" of the world.  You used to think that there was nothing but what you could touch, see, hear or feel--but you were wrong.  There is another dimension that is indescribable, and yet palpable, once you have opened yourself up to Him.  Jesus is really there, right there, with you, and you will know it once you start learning to pay attention to what is beyond your senses... and yet, what nevertheless can be sensed in some way you can't explain. 

After a time being with Him and knowing Him--if you decide you really want to give Him everything you have and to devote your life to Him--there comes the profound joy of doing what you know He wants you to do, which is simply loving, loving, loving others to the maximum degree possible... because in loving them, you are loving Him--and you adore Him so much, that is what you want to do, because it brings you so much joy!  You are not doing it because you have to, or because you hope to get a reward either on earth or in eternity... no, you do it simply because you love Him so much, you don't care anymore about any other reward than the joy of returning His love by loving your neighbor.  When He prompts you in your heart to be generous or kind, but you think you are too tired or too busy to do what He asks, nevertheless you trust Him and do it anyway-- and the joy you get makes you forget you were ever tired or busy, and you find yourself thanking Him for asking you, because loving as He loves makes you feel wonderful!

Every day of your life now is a new adventure, because you have no idea what He will ask of you today, but you know you will learn and grow from it, and it is thrilling to see and feel your heart expanding to encompass even more love, filling you with an almost unbearable ecstasy.  You will even find joy in the things that are hard or unpleasant or painful, because you know they have meaning beyond this world, because He shares all of them with you:  He is right there bearing them with you, and He understands exactly how you feel as no one else can.    

There is a sense of sublime peace in your heart because you know you are part of something huge and eternal that goes far beyond the universe you know, and this new plane of existence on which you live will never end, even when you die--it will just get better because at last you will fully understand your place in all of it, all that is beyond human history and beyond human understanding.  It is a longing we all have whether we admit it or not, which cannot be fulfilled any other way than by living in Jesus, giving yourself totally to Him--all that you are and all that you have. 

Once you have tried living this way, I promise you that you will never go back to being the way you were.  +