Damaged

+JMJ+

The book I just finished today, The Critical Journey: Stages of Faith, triggered something, an insight into myself which God completed for me in my prayer tonight.

I can now see the degree to which I bring upon myself some of the mistreatment I have been experiencing from Sr. MaryJo and Sr. Jean Ann:  simply put, I am a person who cringes, and such lack of self-confidence is not attractive.  

Because of the way I was brought up--to fear my mother, never allowed to argue with her about anything--I can't stand up to anyone. I apologize too much, and thus I bring out the worst in people who are inclined to be bullies, as both of them are.  I can easily see it in them, because I am inclined to be a bully myself, so I recognize it in others.  

My mother, in her autocratic arrogance, damaged me even more than I ever realized. 

I don't know how to deal with the residual anger I know I still have toward her.  I don't want to hate her, and I don't really think I do--but I do wish I could hurt her back, in revenge for the ways in which she hurt me.  That is definitely not Christ-like, and I don't want to feel that way!

If she ever apologized, I could easily forgive her, but because she cannot apologize--and doesn't even realize what she did to me and my brother, and to my father as well--I haven't been able to forgive her, even though I know I must.  Not sure what to do about this, except pray for the grace.