On Being Gay and Catholic

+JMJ+

I have great empathy for gay people.  This began when, after my bitter divorce in 1977, I decided that I no longer wanted to be in the company of men, and so decided to act on my long-held theory that one could choose one's sexuality.  I started an affair with a lesbian who worked for me in the library, and spent the next six years trying to convince myself that I could be gay if I chose to be.  

Through my lover, I was introduced to a fascinating and largely invisible, "underworld" I never previously knew about.  By 1982, however, I had reluctantly concluded that I simply was not gay, and no amount of wishing would make it so.  I also became Catholic, and concomitant with that, accepted that I had to live in chastity. Unfortunately, I hurt a really good person very badly, and I will never cease to regret the collateral damage that occurred because of my crazy experiment. 

Then, in 2016, I was matched with a gay therapist through the online platform, TalkSpace.  I had insisted on being assigned to a practicing Catholic, and it never occurred to me that the person might also be gay. I was quite dismayed, due to my then rather rigid adherence to Catholic teaching--but I was so desperate for help with my anger problem, I decided to stay with him.

Over the next year or so of working with Joe, I became progressively more conflicted.  We got to know each other very well, and--because of the bond of our mutual strong Faith and love for the Church--we veered from therapy into spiritual direction very quickly. I saw what a truly holy person he is; in fact, I realized that he is completely dedicated to living for Jesus, and is actually a better Catholic than I am.  Because God put this amazing person into my life, I was finally forced into the uncomfortable position of continuing to adhere to Church teaching, while simultaneously deeply admiring and respecting a Catholic who was living in what the Church considers vile sinfulness. 

Joe's life partner, while not yet Catholic himself, is just like Joe: pure of heart, generous, loving and selfless.  Their relationship is beautiful and holy, a great blessing for which they are both extremely grateful.  They go to Mass together every week, and Joe goes to Confession twice a month. Over time, Joe and I came to truly love each other, becoming soul friends, and I somehow had to learn to accept that despite his domestic life as an actively gay man, Jesus must love him very much, because he has such a beautiful soul and is completely devoted to Him. 

I was separated from the Church the last time (2002) we had the problem of sexual scandal, and so it had not impacted me at all, but when the latest crisis broke, and I observed how conservative Catholics were climbing onto the "getting rid of  the perverted gay priests will solve the problem" bandwagon, I began to reflect even more on the interior conflict I had been avoiding: how could I believe Church teaching on sexual morality, particularly as it pertains to homosexuality, while simultaneously knowing and loving a person who is gay, and who is a far better Christian than I am?  I finally recognized that I could no longer accept the Church's position, that Joe and Matty's loving, committed relationship, is intrinsically disordered and bad--because I know in the depths of my being, that it isn't!  What they have together is good, true, beautiful and life-giving for themselves and all the people who know them. 

And so, I have made a huge mental leap.  We know that God can use anything, even bad things, for good, according to His Plan, and I am beginning to consider whether the inevitable discussion of homosexuality within the Church--which surely can no longer be avoided--may eventually result in changes in doctrine having to do with sexuality and the moral issues related to it.  Is it possible that great good may come out of the apparent evil and chaos we are now experiencing because of the sexual abuse crisis in the Church?

No doubt this will come after we are long gone, because the Church moves cautiously and glacially, as it should. But I am inspired to think that the fact that some people are clearly born gay, and did not choose their sexuality, it was chosen for them by God--must be accepted and accommodated within Catholic teaching. 

I believe that through Christ, God gave us a pathway to participating in His ongoing Creation,  Yes: He actually gave us, mere humans, the dignity and honor of working with Him on the evolution of the world, which we now see is not static, as the Church once assumed it was, but fluid and ever-changing.  Not only that, but we now know so much more about human psychology than we did when the majority of Catholic doctrine was promulgated, and doctrines pertaining to human life must change accordingly.

Vatican II seems to anticipate this possibility in Gaudium et Spes. Read this quote and tell me if you don't agree with me:

"If by the autonomy of earthly affairs we mean that created things and societies themselves enjoy their own laws and values which must be gradually deciphered, put to use, and regulated by men, then it is entirely right to demand that autonomy. Such is not merely required by modern man, but harmonizes also with the will of the Creator. For by the very circumstance of their having been created, all things are endowed with their own stability, truth, goodness, proper laws and order. Man must respect these as he isolates them by the appropriate methods of the individual sciences or arts. Therefore if methodical investigation within every branch of learning is carried out in a genuinely scientific manner and in accord with moral norms, it never truly conflicts with faith, for earthly matters and the concerns of faith derive from the same God …"

I am more and more hopeful that Church precepts which term homosexuality "intrinsically disordered" will ultimately pass away, and be replaced with a holistic doctrine which describes all relationships grounded in love as being good, and ordained by God for the happiness of human beings.

This post will remain on the web long after I am gone from the Earth, and I hope that someday, someone will find it and see that it was prophetic.