I had a sobering experience last night, because I allowed myself to lose my focus on Jesus, and mentally live for a few minutes in the stark reality of the present.
I found myself dwelling on the repetitive nature of my life here: the monotonous routine of clearing the breakfast stuff every morning at 9:00am exactly.... going down to help get lunch and supper ready to serve, precisely a half hour prior to each meal.... the washing up afterwards, and always having to put everything back in its assigned place in our large kitchen, and do every little thing exactly the way they do it, with no deviations permitted... in other words, the complete rigidity of it all... and added to that, the Sister in our house who doesn't like me, and finds every word that comes out of my mouth objectionable, no matter how innocent the remark.
I had the dangerous thought: can I really do this for the rest of my life? Is this really the right place for me to be? Should I just go back to my beautiful house in Georgia and my easy life, and not have to put up with these seemingly endless irritations?
Then, thankfully, I realized what I was doing, and raised my eyes to the beautiful picture of the Sacred Heart I have in my room. I looked at Jesus, offering His Heart to me--and I remembered why I came. My whole plane of existence changed, as my heart united with His, and I overflowed with emotion as I felt His Love surrounding me. God sent me here: when I objectively think about what happened that night at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, that much is totally clear. And the desire of my heart, my need really, is for a life totally focused on God, and I have that here! To be able to live this way is a great privilege, perhaps the greatest privilege a person can be given.
I must never allow myself to be caught up in such trivialities, because that is what daily conditions of life--anyone's life--really are: trivialities. They are not what matters, ever. At the end of life, God isn't going to ask me how many dishes I washed or how many meals I assisted with: all He will care about is how much I loved Him, and how much I expressed that love by doing every task set before me as something done for Him, with as much love as I can muster, thinking always of Him, and how I can love and serve Him better each day of my life.
This was precisely how I got into trouble when I was with the Dominicans: I allowed myself to dwell on the daily annoyances of the life, instead of keeping myself constantly in His Presence--which is why people are drawn to this form of life in the first place. Please save me, Lord, from making that mistake again!
Maranatha! Come, Lord Jesus! Let me be totally one with You. Live in me, so that Your Kingdom is brought into being in this world through my hands, mind, voice and heart--and let everything I do serve to draw those around me closer to You. Amen. +