Getting Beyond the Fear and the Doubt

+JMJ+

Despite hours and hours of reflection and prayer, I am still very torn emotionally about the decision that is before me... tortured, actually... but just now, I asked God--not to give me a sign--but to give me some clarity, to help me see this from another perspective, to get beyond the pain of giving up so much, and the fear that I am hurting others unnecessarily or too much... and He just did...

I have to be somewhere where I can make a difference... and I am not in such a place now.  That has been a lifelong obsession with me: it was the reason I left the University of Buffalo at the beginning of my career and went to work in a public library... I NEED to be where what I do matters, changes people's lives... and I am not there now.  Since I retired, I am living a mediocre life that is very comfortable, period.

There are other people who can provide my parents with the kind of care they need, it doesn't require ME--it doesn't require my talents, and what I have in my heart and soul, the gifts that God gave me... there are other people who can love my cats--better than I do, actually--I don't give them the amount of attention they want, because my mind is usually elsewhere.  As a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, I would be in a position to do work that is important in the world, work that furthers God's Plan for this world, and doing that is at the core of my identity as a Christian in the world.  I truly believe that.  And I need that.  I hope this means that I am finally past the conflict and the doubt.  +

My Vocation Crisis

+JMJ+

The other night, I awoke in the middle of the night to a terrible temptation against my vocation, the first one I have ever had:  all of a sudden, I said to myself, "Am I crazy???  Why would I want to totally disrupt my nice life right now... give up all my freedom, my beautiful house, my sweet cats, my friends and comfortable routines, a place I feel completely at home?  Right now, I have it made: I am accountable to no one.  I can eat and drink what I want, sleep and rise when I want, go where I want and when I want, buy just about anything I want... Why on earth should I give all up that for the uncertainty and the restrictions that will come if I join the Sisters of St. Joseph?  I am deliberately choosing a life which will be so much harder than the life I have now: this is an INSANE idea!!!!"

Doing this now, I would be giving up even more than I did when I went to the convent the first time, plus I am proposing to do it in my 70s, when normal people are completely settled and content.  Is this the stupidest move ever, or what?

Of course, I prayed, begging God to relieve me of this horrible doubt... and after a while, He brought back to my mind that time when I first knew that He was calling me, about 35 years ago.  It was when I heard the Gospel--probably at Daily Mass--of the Rich Young Man.  I remember so vividly how I felt when I heard Jesus say to me: "Sell all you have, give to the poor, and come follow Me." I was filled with an indescribable joy and excitement, and I realized at that moment, "YES!  That is exactly what I want to do, what I NEED to do:  and I will never be happy in life if I don't do it.  It's what I was born to do:  I can look back on my entire life, and see now how God was leading me toward that from childhood.  

And in addition, how can I possibly overlook the fact that when I begged God, on the night of March 10, 2016--because I was so miserable about not having fulfilled the vocation I know He gave me--to show me how I could still have a consecrated life, two days later, He showed me exactly where to go?  If that isn't an indication of His Will for me, I don't know what would be.

FINALLY I have found the "one thing necessary" so I am moving forward and never looking back again. 

I have calmed down since this happened, and I can visualize that although there will undoubtedly be a bit of a wrench leaving all this, I can also easily imagine how happy I will be living in Concordia with the Community I have already come to love so much.  Yes, I belong there.  I know I do.  +