Peace of Heart

I have been reading this wonderful little book by Fr. Jacques Philippe this week. One of his main points is that true interior peace can only be obtained through complete abandonment to God's Will, by offering Jesus your total trust:

"In order that abandonment might be authentic and engender peace, it must be total. We must put everything, without exception, into the hands of God, not seeking any longer to manage or "to save" ourselves by our own means: not in the material domain, nor the emotional, nor the spiritual. ... all reality that we have not surrendered to God ... will  continue to make us more or less uneasy."

Ever since I found God, I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude, and a desire to give Him something--some kind of gift--in return for what He has given me--which is, basically, life... a life grounded on faith which feels meaningful, not aimless... a life which rests on a deep joy that nothing can take away from me.

Before I became a believer, I was searching continually, and I was well aware of that--looking for something, anything, in which I could lose myself, which would carry me away, which would obsess me... essentially, for something which would distract me from the emptiness I felt, the vague sense of panic that I would never find anything that would fully engage me and make me feel as though life was worth living.  Every year, practically, it was something else that I hoped would do the trick, but nothing ever did... until Him. 

Last night, while praying after reading more of this book, I suddenly realized what gift He wants from me: it is the gift of my complete trust, throwing myself across the abyss into His arms, not looking down... and I have to admit I am scared to death of doing it--and I told Him so!  I am afraid, because up until now, I realize that I have only paid lip service to obedience to God's Will: instead, I have spent my entire time on earth never trusting anyone, and, in my perfectionistic way, always manipulating and managing everything possible in order to ensure a good outcome for me, trying to protect myself from disappointment, suffering, any kind of pain. 

However, I believe that God will not deny us the graces we need, if we ask for them in persevering prayer, and thus I am now asking for this: the grace to have the courage to trust Him totally.  Just knowing--finally--that this is the "missing piece" in my spiritual life has made me feel so much better, and more focused on pleasing Him... and less on pleasing myself!

God's Providence

+ JMJ +

I am marveling tonight at the intricacy of God's plans, and how long they can take to come to fruition... yet, they inevitably do.

This afternoon, my father and I visited a nearby assisted living facility, because I think (and he agrees) that it's time for him and my mother to move to such a place because of the care they now need.

While our host at the center was chatting with us, learning more about my father, his life, his situation, she asked him how he happened to move to Carrollton.

Although they never knew this, their move to Carrollton has for years been a sore subject for me, because they moved here without consulting me, effectively trapping me in a job which I did not intend to keep for more than about 5 years.  I was then in the midst of a conflict with my supervisor (who was eventually fired), and I was planning to move on as soon as I found another suitable position.  Not only that, but I have never liked the culture of the South, and really wanted to return to the North or Midwest.

After they relocated here, it took me years and years to work through my resentment and frustration with being stuck here--and I suppose, to a degree, I never really got over being annoyed that I felt forced to stay, since they moved to this town in order to be closer to me. 

Today's meeting at the assisted living facility brought all those angry feelings back, but as I was musing on this tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that had I not stayed here, the wonderful thing that has happened to me--God's great gift to me, His miracle: another chance to have a consecrated life--would not have happened!

I am on the verge (I think so!) of being able to realize my desire to become a Sister again as a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas.  But, the proximate cause of this incredible development, was Fr. Rafael's "chance" remark in the Confessional 2 1/2 years ago, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominican Order in 1990.  And, again, if I had not been right here--in Carrollton, Georgia--I would not have seen, on that amazing night of March 12, 2016, the text of Sr. Crystal's speech about the Community which she planned to give for National Sisters' Week at the end of Mass that evening, and had left on the pew where she was seated in front of me.  At that time, I did not know her and had never even heard of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas! 

Honestly, I am in a state of shock right now, thinking about the fact that if I had gotten my way, and been able to move, none of what is happening now would have happened!  God planned this for me... He planned it for me--and what I perceived at that time, some 25 years ago, to be an annoying event which kept me from doing what I wanted to do, actually has turned out to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  God willing, I will enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph this coming Fall.  Wow.