+JMJ+
Trying to write about the transition I am going through is
hard for me, because I don’t feel that I completely understand it… I have never
thought about transition before, I was always too busy just living it, I think…
and I have never been aware of an in-between time.
However, I
can say this: I have always been a
person who liked change… I have reinvented myself several times in my life,
going from one type of life to another completely different type of life—and I
found that very engaging and exciting. I
get bored if I do not have challenges, some kind of big project which completely
engages me. Whenever I feel like I am stuck
in a situation that is boring, I simply must create some kind of challenge or
new goal for myself, or I get depressed, I think. Fortunately, I have never lacked for new projects
and challenges—I have always been able to either change jobs, move, or create
some kind of difficult goal for myself.
The goal I
have now, though, is one which is inexhaustible and in which it will be impossible
to get bored, because it is one which is almost impossible to achieve: becoming
a saint. Yes: I am so much in love, that
I want to be completely one in mind, heart and soul with Christ, that I become
a saint. I seriously doubt that I will, because
mere human effort is not enough—but I will die trying—and so I know I will
never get bored again.
During times
of transition I think I tend to try to remove all traces of my previous
situation so I will not mourn or have to feel any pain. I like to wipe the slate clean, as it were,
and try hard not to think about or remember what I have lost, because it’s important
to me to think of myself as tough, resilient, and mature—resolute and brave as
I face new situations.
As much as
possible, I throw everything away that was part of the old life, especially photographs,
and try to pretend it never existed. I refuse
to live in the past (and I think that is a good thing—I know people who do and
they are very unhappy), but in my case, it is more about avoidance of painful
emotions than the positive value of living in the present—to be more honest, though,
I live more in the future than in the present.
I just try
to forget everything, put it behind me, and focus on the future. I know I try to rush the process of transition,
and I realize now that is NOT a good thing.
So, as I
have been thinking about this for the first time ever, I realize that a year--my Canonical year--is
really quite a long time… and anything could happen! So I have decided to just sink into it, and
savor it, instead of focusing on the end--the vows I long to make.
