Lord, You Are My Portion and Cup

+JMJ+

Today's Communion Antiphon:

     Everyone who has given up home, brothers, or sisters, father or mother, wife or children or property for My sake will receive many times as much and inherit everlasting life.

It is so obvious to me now, that I spent my entire life dominated by my mother.  She controlled me and everyone else through emotional manipulation, through a charming performance that convinced all except those who lived in close contact with her--that is, we who experienced her anger and cruelty and know what she is really like.

I was afraid of her, and constantly tried to please her, but she never appreciated anything I did.  She routinely insulted and hurt me, openly displayed her complete contempt for me--and yet I stupidly kept trying.  She never opened up to me or anyone else as a real person, apparently because she has to be in control of everything, all the time, and can never risk displaying the slightest amount of vulnerability.  I think she never really trusts anyone.

I would still be in bondage to her, were it not for the wonderful gift God sent, my therapist--and now spiritual friend--Joe.  Somehow--and I don't really understand how--he enabled me to see her as she is and to break free--and in so doing, release me from the grip of unbearable rage: I was in torment and in a horrible state of sin, but Confession wasn't helping and I did not know how to escape.  God saw this, and He sent me a person with a pure heart and beautiful soul, through whom He could save me.  

And so now, here I am, living in a convent in Kansas, finally fulfilling the plan I am so convinced He had for me from the beginning.  It feels like a miracle, because it is a miracle. 

My life is peaceful and beautiful... I am unbelievably happy, but I have a sense that He is preparing me for something, that He is going to ask me for something.  I have no idea what that will be, but I am praying that I will recognize it when it comes, and that I will be open to His Holy Will, totally surrendered to Him.  I am so completely His now, that I have lost the "edges:"  I can no longer perceive where He begins and ends, because He is everything to me, my All in All--it is impossible to express this in words, but I am in and of Him, in every possible way, and I exist in the unutterable bliss of that awareness. +

Pray Always

+JMJ+

I prayed for a long time at bedtime last night, and it was a very beautiful experience, so much joy... at one point, I realized that this is what Heaven will be like: constant union with Him in complete happiness, union that never ends.

Later on during the night, I woke up with the phrase "pray always" in my mind, and I thought: "that's what I should try to do... maybe I could avoid sin by sincerely trying to be in union with Him in prayer constantly throughout the day, and whenever I find that I have gotten distracted and left Him, just bring myself back to Him.  So, for the rest of the night, whenever I woke up, as I went back to sleep I turned to Him in prayer until I naturally fell asleep. 

When I woke up Saturday morning and looked at my email, I saw that the Gospel reading for today's Mass is Lk 18:1-8, in which Jesus tells us to "pray always without becoming weary."

What I am trying to do is like recollection, but deeper, and I hope it will make it possible for me to stay calm and avoid anger. +

Suffering: Accepting the Cross You Have Been Given

+JMJ+

I have been having terrible problems for quite awhile in getting along with my elderly parents.  I have lived with and cared for them for 4 1/2 years, but the major anger problem I now have is quite new.

Although I pray constantly for relief, asking for my heart to change--confess the same lack of charity over and over again--I only improve for a short time and then I fall into sin again. It is frustrating, humiliating, and depressing:  I had a much better opinion of my virtue, but clearly, I was wrong, and I hate it.

Tonight after Confession, Father gave me this penance: to pray before the tabernacle and tell Jesus about all my struggles.  I did what he assigned me to do, and I received this insight:  I am suffering...yes, it is emotional suffering, not physical--but real suffering nonetheless; having to face the truth, that I am not the good person that I thought I was, is very hard to take.  Moreover, what I have been doing is refusing this suffering--asking Him to let this cup pass from me.  I have been asking God to take the suffering away--to make me better, not so that I will be more kind to my parents, but so that I will not have endure all this shame and frustration at my inability to change! Pride, pride, pride! What I should be doing is what Jesus did. "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done."


This is apparently the suffering that He has sent me, probably something that I need, and what He has ordained for me to endure. So what I should be doing --and am now resolved to do---is to embrace it, to accept it in union with His suffering on the Cross, until such time as He chooses to release me from the grip of this ugliness within me.

How Sin Hurts Jesus

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+JMJ+

I have no idea if this is theologically sound*, but today in prayer, Jesus allowed me to experience in a very deep and personal way, how my uncharitable acts deepen His wounds even more.

This was something I knew on an intellectual basis--and so of course, I am always sorry for my sins--but after what happened to me today, I feel a sense of sorrow and remorse for my failures unlike anything I've ever experienced.  Each one of my sins, quite literally, make His wounds more painful and make Him suffer more.

This awareness makes me want to avoid all sin as I never have before: since I love Him so much, I cannot bear the thought of hurting Him!

The Catechism says this:  "Since our sins made the Lord Christ suffer the torment of the cross, those who plunge themselves into disorders and crimes crucify the Son of God anew in their hearts (for he is in them) and hold him up to contempt. And it can be seen that our crime in this case is greater in us than in the Jews. As for them, according to the witness of the apostle, “None of the rulers of this age understood this; for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.” We, however, profess to know him. And when we deny him by our deeds, we in some way seem to lay violent hands on him. Nor did demons crucify him; it is you who have crucified him and crucify him still, when you delight in your vices and sins. (CCC 598, quoting St. Francis of Assisi, Admonitio 5.3)"
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Is Not Recycling a Sin?

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+JMJ+

A couple of times this week, I put an item in the trash when I could have recycled it.  I did not think about it at the time, but tonight for some reason, I did.... and I have concluded that not recycling when you can, has to be a sin.  Not a huge sin, but a sin, nonetheless.

The reason why, I think, is because any time you do not do what you know is the right thing--because you are too lazy--cannot possibly be pleasing to God.  He knows about and cares about everything that happens on Earth;  it is His creation, and because it is His creation--if we love Him--we must love the Earth too. 

Actually, anything you do deliberately that is objectively not good, has to be sinful, because you are falling short of the perfection to which those who love God aspire.

When I go to Confession tomorrow, I hope Father Rafael does not laugh at me when I confess that I did not recycle :-)

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The Sin of Gluttony

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                     +JMJ+

I can't believe it, but I have just uncovered a new sin I have been committing for a long time, and I never even knew it:  GLUTTONY!  

On January 1st of this year, I began fasting every Friday in reparation for the sins of my past life.  Although there are some points on those days when I feel bad (which is partly the point!), I have had no problem carrying on my normal activities, even without eating.  The hardest thing has been remembering not to eat, because I normally do it so mindlessly, and always have.  I think a lot of Americans do this, frankly--as if it's our God-given right, LOL!

This finally drew my attention, and I started thinking about eating in general.  The purpose of eating has to be to fuel your body so that you can live, right?  So I suddenly wondered whether eating when you are not really hungry could possibly be considered sinful.  I looked it up (thank you, Internet!) and guess what?  YES, it comes under the category of gluttony.

I was totally shocked;  I always thought gluttony was eating to terrible excess, such that you practically made yourself sick:  I never knew that what I have been doing for my entire life is also gluttony.  What a revelation!

When I consecrated my life to God in November, right after returning to the Church, it caused an incredible transformation in me:  I am on fire for the Lord, to the degree that it is almost unbearable.  I now understand what the evangelicals mean when they use the phrase, Born Again, because that is exactly how I feel.  One of the results is that I am unable to knowingly sin, so now that I realize that what I have been doing with food is sinful, I have to stop--and I have already.

It is going to take a great deal of concentration in order to avoid this sin, because I am not used to ever thinking about whether I am really hungry or not---but I hope that in time, it will become second nature and I won't have to be constantly vigilant about it.  +

The Sin of Pride, In One of Its Many Disguises

                                                           
                                                               +JMJ+

I was feeling very depressed recently, because I am aware that someone whom I love and greatly admire does not like me.  Frankly, that is something I am not used to, because most people DO like me, I am happy to say.

So, as usual, I took it to Jesus in prayer, looking for some consolation, but that is definitely not what I got!  Instead, He allowed me to see that my need for the approval of others is actually a manifestation of vanity, one of Pride's many insidious variations.  Obsessing about this was just distracting me from living for and in Him;  the only person whose judgment I need to be concerned about is His, no one else's.  Furthermore, I will never achieve the virtue of humility until I can detach myself from caring about what others think of me.

Although this was hardly welcome information, I recognized that if I truly mean what I say--that I aspire to live a life of holiness for love of Jesus--it is something I needed to know, so I thanked Him anyway.

Actually, it feels quite liberating to (at least) stop caring about what that person thinks of me--and I believe I have, because I am much more peaceful at heart now.  Let's see if I can keep it up.

I did a little Googling and discovered there is a prayer for this, The Litany of Humility, written by Cardinal Merry del Val.  I will be reciting it often, and trying to really mean it as I say it!   +