I was given an insight in prayer last night about how I am supposed to live now.
God made me understand that He wants me to stop focusing on all the great and heroic things I imagine myself doing for love of Him, and instead learn to be perfect in a different way: by living a very quiet life hidden in Him, as He did when He was a child in Nazareth--doing the mundane, domestic--often boring--tasks that need to be done at home, but doing them with great love and patience--all for Him.
This makes sense to me, because at this moment, I am engaged in trying to solve a big problem: that is, changing what needs to be changed in order for me and my parents to have a clean and orderly house--a decent, safe, peaceful and ordinary existence.
It's not going to happen overnight, but He has given me all the resources I need in order to achieve this. He sent me a devout Catholic therapist who understands the spiritual and emotional struggle I am in, and knows what to say to give me the courage needed to confront the situation and strategies for resolving it; I have a happy and fulfilling life outside the house, doing work for my parish; I have a loving and supportive pastor who understands the problem and will not allow me to give up; and I am blessed to be in a strong, loving and sustaining relationship with Him, through the deep prayer life which He has given to me.
As this all unfolds in time, I know He will give me the graces and understanding I need in order to solve the problems before me. I just need to persevere, to be calm and measured in my approach to the problem, confident that with His help, I will find a way to do what is needed--and in the process, I will learn what it is that He wishes to teach me through my experience of this trial.
I am on a journey. God is at the end of it. And I know I'll get there because I love Him, and He loves me. And by then, I will love Him even more.