Becoming a Woman of the Church

+JMJ+

God has led me to this moment in time, and the journey has been amazing.  Truly, His ways fill me with awe, reverence and gratitude!

I was just reading Matthew 3:13-17, which describes Jesus's Baptism by John, the act which began His public ministry.  He had to leave His mother--who was probably a widow by then--just as I have left my mother.  We don't know how Mary felt about that: perhaps, being the special person that she was, she understood what He had to do... or perhaps she didn't.. but certainly, as a mother, she was sad to see Him leave.  

My mother wasn't so much sad, as angry, but nevertheless, it was what I had to do, because my next step in life--the point to which God has led me, I believe and I hope--is to take the Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience in the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and become a woman of the Church.  

Doing so, I realized today, will give me a certain "legitimacy" in the eyes of other Catholics; being a Sister is like having a key to the church: it will let me in.  People will more readily accept that it is appropriate and "allowed" for me to minister among them, which is what I believe God has called me to do.  

The thing is, I have received grace upon grace, love immeasurable--and I must share with others the immense Love that I have received from my Beloved.

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12:48)

I won't be able to do much: I am certainly not going to have a big impact on the world, and because I am coming to this so late in life, whatever I do will not last long--but I know I am called to do something in cooperation with God, to bring His Kingdom on earth into being.  May it be so. 

Crosses

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I found myself wondering today, could something as simple and ordinary as cheerfully enduring boredom, actually be a sacrifice pleasing to God?

It makes sense to me that God will not ask more of us than He knows we are capable of giving--He knows what is possible and impossible for us, and so I think that if He asks it, we must be able to do it, even if we feel we can't!

I am inspired by stories of Christian martyrs, but I have so much fear of torture, I always hope I will never be tortured because I refuse to deny Christ--but I am occasionally tormented--and it feels like real suffering--by boredom when I am talking to people who are truly dull, and believe me, I am ashamed to admit this.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. 

But, is it possible that that is one of the sacrifices He asks of ME: to lovingly and patiently endure boredom for love of Him? 

I know this is a sacrifice my mother is not willing to make: she is so selfish,  that even though she is bored and discontented with her life in assisted living, she refuses to bother with the residents at The Oaks because they are not as smart as she is—she actually told me this the last time I visited her.  I thought that was very cold and heartless, because many of them are lonely and would love it if she would visit with them.

If I were she, I would take it upon myself to go around to peoples' rooms and chat with them, unless it seemed like they didn't want to--just on the grounds that the majority would probably welcome it.  At least I would try.  I would view it as a ministry.

However, I realize in advance that in some cases, what they would say would not be that interesting--but I'd do it anyway, purely out of love for God, in Whose image they were created.

Anyway, just wondering....

Temptation From the Devil?

+JMJ+

Not sure, but I think I may have experienced an "attack." Sarah and I talked last night about her upcoming Profession as an Agrégée.  I am ashamed to admit I felt a little jealous, and later last night (and continuing this morning), I had this persistent thought: 

"Why don't you just give up and ask to become an Agrégée--stop trying to become a Canonical Sister,  just let it go. It's probably vanity on your part anyway. If you become an Agrégée, you can keep your beautiful house, have pets, and not have to deal with difficult people anymore. The fact that you are thinking this, may be God trying to tell you something."

However, based on what I read this morning in Fr. Kevin O'Brien's book that I am using for the 19th Annotation, I suspect this may be a temptation coming from the Devil.  He says

"...the evil spirit, which Ignatius also calls the 'enemy of our human nature,' wants to discourage us and get us off-course. Sometimes ... the tactics are obvious: causing extreme doubt, confusion, anxiety and temptation.  As we grow in the spiritual life, the enemy must adjust its tactics and become more subtle, ... even suggesting thoughts that seem good and holy but actually lead us away from the praise, love and service of God." 

My time in prayer this morning has led me to that conclusion, because

• I truly believe God has called me to religious life, and I further believe He has asked me to give Him everything, holding back nothing
• I have observed from past and current experience of living in a convent, that religious life provides the structure and discipline I need in order to overcome my natural inclination toward sloth, and my tendency to indulge myself in ways that are unhealthy both physically and spiritually
• The best and fastest way for me to grow in virtue (especially humility which I desperately need), is by having to suffer the daily humiliations of rubbing up against others in Community--which I can avoid if I live alone
• It's a tremendous source of strength to know that I am surrounded by women who are also trying as hard as they can to lead a holy life

I hope that further discernment will make it clear to me that I am following the right path (toward becoming a Canonical member of the Congregation), and that if these are indeed temptations of the Devil, I will be given the grace to persevere and resist giving in to them.