Becoming a Woman of the Church

+JMJ+

God has led me to this moment in time, and the journey has been amazing.  Truly, His ways fill me with awe, reverence and gratitude!

I was just reading Matthew 3:13-17, which describes Jesus's Baptism by John, the act which began His public ministry.  He had to leave His mother--who was probably a widow by then--just as I have left my mother.  We don't know how Mary felt about that: perhaps, being the special person that she was, she understood what He had to do... or perhaps she didn't.. but certainly, as a mother, she was sad to see Him leave.  

My mother wasn't so much sad, as angry, but nevertheless, it was what I had to do, because my next step in life--the point to which God has led me, I believe and I hope--is to take the Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience in the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and become a woman of the Church.  

Doing so, I realized today, will give me a certain "legitimacy" in the eyes of other Catholics; being a Sister is like having a key to the church: it will let me in.  People will more readily accept that it is appropriate and "allowed" for me to minister among them, which is what I believe God has called me to do.  

The thing is, I have received grace upon grace, love immeasurable--and I must share with others the immense Love that I have received from my Beloved.

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12:48)

I won't be able to do much: I am certainly not going to have a big impact on the world, and because I am coming to this so late in life, whatever I do will not last long--but I know I am called to do something in cooperation with God, to bring His Kingdom on earth into being.  May it be so. 

What I Did on My Winter Vacation

+JMJ+

I recently traveled from my home at Manna House to my former home in Georgia.  Since I needed to drive, it was a 2-day trip, and I stayed the first night at a hotel in St. Louis, which is about halfway.  One of my Facebook Friends, whom I have never actually met, saw my check-in post--I can never resist keeping people updated on my whereabouts and movements!--and commented that I was welcome to stay with her on my way back to Kansas in two weeks.  

Such a kind and generous offer!  --but those who know me, know that I am quite shy, and so my immediate temptation was to politely decline: after all, we had never even met, and only had one mutual friend on Facebook!

I believe that the Holy Spirit intervened before I could act, however, because in a few seconds, it occurred to me that:

•      What would be more consistent with the Vow of Poverty I hope to take at the end of my Novice year, than avoiding paying for a hotel room if I did not actually need to? 
•    When commissioning His disciples, Jesus instructed them in Matthew 10:11:  "...whatever town or village you enter, find out who is worthy in it, and stay with him until you depart" --which I believe was also the custom of the itinerant Jesuit priest who founded our Order in 1650
• As an aspiring Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia, perhaps I was being called at this moment to offer our "ministry of presence" to this self-described lonely widow!

So, I sent her a message accepting her gracious offer, we exchanged phone numbers, and she gave me her address, only a few miles away from downtown St. Louis.

I confess I was a little nervous when I set out on my return trip: what would this experience be like?  Would we get along?  I checked to see who our mutual friend was, and it turned out to be the mother of a 2nd cousin, with whom I had connected many years before, because we are both librarians. The mutual friend (the librarian's mother) has since died, but I knew she loved to travel, so it was not surprising to me that she had a friend in St. Louis.  I left as early as I could that morning, because I felt that because of the hospitality she was extending to a total stranger, I owed it to her to get there as early as possible, so that we would have time to talk and get to know each other.

When I arrived, she was very warm, gave me a hug at the street as I got out of my car, and helped me with my overnight luggage.  I found her house to be very charming, and I loved that her dog greeted me at the door!

Soon I was ensconced on her couch with a glass of wine, and naturally, our first topic of conversation was our rather remote Facebook connection, our one mutual friend--who turned out to be her mother!  It only took a few more moments for us to realize, to our utter astonishment, that my father was her uncle!  And, she is the sister of my librarian cousin, whom I never even knew had a sister!  Since we do not have the same last name, it never even crossed my mind that we might be related!!!

It quickly became very clear to me that God had indeed sent me to her.  She is suffering a great deal, mainly because her youngest son, an accomplished scientist, has a serious chronic illness which has caused him to be unable to work, and for which he has had numerous surgeries simply in order to survive--and more are scheduled over the next year.  Furthermore, there are indications that her husband's exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam may be the cause of his illness (not to mention her husband's early death), which has a genetic origin.  As if that were not enough, she and her sister are also convinced that their beloved mother's unexpected death a few years ago, was the result of medical malpractice.  

Because of all the pain in her life, she is bitter and angry at God.  Miraculously, she has not lost her faith, but she is seriously questioning how God could let all this happen to her son, and to her.  I was silently praying all the time while I was talking to her, that He would give me the right words to say, because I knew I was not adequate to the task before me.

That night, as I was praying in bed, I wept--partly because I felt such intense sorrow over her plight--which I am powerless to change--but also with joy and wonder at the intricacy of His plan (which brought us together), and profound gratitude that He actually trusts us so much, that He uses us to help Him to do His work on earth.  

I do not know what the end of this story will be, but a strong relationship has certainly been forged. I am sending her a book dealing with abandonment to God's providence which was recently given to me by my spiritual director--which has been a great help to me--because I hope it may help her as well.  She likes to travel, and has assured me that she will come to visit me in Concordia, and I am hoping that some of my Sisters here, wiser in the spiritual life than I, will help her to come to a place of trust, acceptance and healing. 

A Miracle Unfolding in My Life

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+JMJ+

This is almost more than I can take in.

Knowing it was impossible, I nevertheless asked God to do the impossible for me--if it was His will--and He has done it.  I will never doubt again, or hesitate to ask Him for anything I feel is worthy, no matter how much it seems as though it could not ever happen.

I came back to the Church on November 19th, which was an incredible joy:  however, I knew that I was going to have to bear the secret sorrow of knowing that I was meant to live a life consecrated to Him, but that it is simply too late and nothing could be done about that. It is entirely my fault that I am not living in a religious community right now, and I would have to accept the consequences and carry this Cross until death. I took a little comfort in knowing that my life would not go on that much longer--I will be 69 next week--and that the important thing is that I love and adore Him, and I am following Him to the best of my ability under my present circumstances.

Nevertheless, as I wrote the other day, the pain was so great, I finally could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed.  After making this prayer for 2 nights, on the 3rd day while I was at Mass, when I knelt for the Consecration, I looked down and there was a piece of paper on the pew right in front of me which said SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA KS at the top of it. Since I learned about the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on Saturday night, I have spent many hours praying about it, and I am simply unable to believe that this is not His answer to me:  it was too much to be mere coincidence.

I have now met with one of their Vocation Directors, and she strongly encouraged me to consider joining their Community.  I felt completely comfortable with her, and she with me: I think I could be my true and honest self living among them--which was definitely not the case when I was with the Nashville Dominicans.  At that time, I was aware that I was remaking myself in order to fit in, and it took me nearly six years to accept that this was not right, not what God would want. 

One of the things that I have come to appreciate so much in my relationship with Jesus, is that I do not have to pretend with Him at all.  No self-censoring, no worries about how He might react to what I need to say to Him, no wondering if He is tired of me telling Him how much I love Him, no fear that if he really knew me He would reject me:  because he DOES know me--totally--and He loves me anyway!  Sister Dian talked to me today about the analogy to this in religious life, and she is so right:  this is the essence of what God wants for you in consecrated life as well:  for you to be able to live your life fully, as your deepest and truest self--because it's impossible to be afraid and happy all at the same time--those two emotions are simply not compatible.

I now know what the path forward would be, in order to become a member of their Congregation.  I am going to follow it, hoping that when I meet the leaders of the community in Kansas in June, that they will be willing to accept me for candidacy and I can begin preparing to make the vow of fidelity to that Congregation as an agrégée Sister*.  If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.  +

*http://www.csjkansas.org/about/vowed-members/

An Answer to My Prayer?

___________________________________________

+JMJ+

OK, this is kind of interesting.  

I have continued to feel as though I was called to religious life, despite the fact that I blew my vocation 25 years ago and was afraid to try again.  Still, I cannot shake the conviction that God wanted me to belong to Him exclusively, so lately I have been praying about this, asking Him to please show me what He wants me to do with my life, and promising that I will do whatever He wants... THIS time!  I could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed. 

At Mass tonight, while I was kneeling for the Consecration, I noticed a piece of paper on the pew in front of me, facing toward me so that it was completely easy to read.  It was introducing a woman, apparently a member of my own parish, who is a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.  

I was recently talking to a friend in my prayer group about the importance of paying attention to the little signs that God gives us, which are easy to overlook--and having said that to her, it reminded me to be that sensitive as well.  So, I could not help but wonder if by any chance this might be God's answer to my prayers about my life.

I looked up the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on the web when I got home, and discovered that they have a very unusual (or at least I've never heard of it) category of consecrated member, called an “agrégée sister."  They say this about it on their site:  

                 
In reaching back to our roots in 17th century France, the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia discovered — and revitalized — a second form of religious life for women known as “agrégée.”  ....  Based on research into the original constitution and rules for the congregation, written by founder and Jesuit priest Jean-Pierre Medaille, the sisters now recognize that in addition to canonical members of the order, there were also “agrégée sisters,” from a French word meaning “attached to” or “aggregated with.”  An agrégée — pronounced ah-gre-ZHEY — did not make vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, but she lived according to the rules of the Sisters of St. Joseph through a vow of stability, and was recognized by the local people and the local churches as a Sister of St. Joseph.
In the past decades, the modern Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia studied our origins and our original spirituality, and have revived that early practice based on what we learned. The Senate of the Concordia congregation approved agrégée membership in 2006.... Agrégée sisters profess a vow of fidelity to the congregation, but it is noncanonical, meaning that it is not governed by Church law and is instead a private vow between that sister and the Concordia congregation and is governed by policies. It also means that the agrégée does not relinquish her finances to the congregation, and the congregation assumes no financial responsibility for her. Agrégées do not leave behind their outside lives. Instead, they meet with mentors and study around their regular work and life schedules. Once they have professed their vow, they continue in their work and life schedule and participate in the ordinary gatherings and committee work of the community.

This is nothing like what I had in mind when I thought about resuming some kind of consecrated life, but on the other hand, I can see how it might be the perfect answer, since I am financially stable and independent, but not free to leave the care of my parents and the cats.  Plus, if it is God's will for me, I have promised to obey Him this time.

All I know at this point is that I need, deeply need, to give my life to Him completely.

I emailed their Vocation Director, giving her a link to the story of my conversion:  there was no point in concealing any of my past life, since I would eventually have to tell them the entire truth anyway.  To my surprise, she read it and emailed me back very quickly, asking me to call her tomorrow, so I am going to do it.  I have no idea what this might mean, if anything.  But Your will be done, Oh Lord--that is all I want. +