An In-Breaking of Grace

+JMJ+

I received an indescribable experience of grace this morning while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, after reading a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances

acting on your own good will)

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

I am at a loss for words to adequately express what I saw, but I began to cry, as I suddenly realized how terribly limited I am, how much I still have to learn about God, how weak my faith is, how I am really only at the beginning of my spiritual journey.  And how much I need to be healed--yet I am mute, lacking the voice or the courage or the humility to even cry out to Him as He goes by, "Lord Jesus Christ, heal me!" I see now that I am absolutely desperate to be loved, and that one of the reasons I am here in Concordia is because I am seeking a family, hoping to find the family I need, but do not have.  

 

There were so many tears in my eyes, I realized I couldn't even see the Host in the Monstrance, which seemed somehow poetic and appropriate to the moment--and then, for some reason, I suddenly thought of the picture of the Sacred Heart in my room, which I always believed was a representation of Jesus offering His Heart to us (which it is)--but I understand now that there is another hidden meaning behind those Sacred Heart pictures--what He is also doing is offering our hearts back to us: our hearts after they have been transformed and healed by His Love--which we are welcome to accept or reject as we choose.  A heart fully open and clear of expectations and preconceptions, completely free to love as He loves, if we only have the courage to accept it.

State of the Heart

+JMJ+

One of the things I have learned since I began my relationship with the Sisters of St. Joseph, is that I lack awareness/memory of what God is doing in my life.   I remember the big things, the events that seem like miracles--but I have always wandered through life focused on trivial details, and seldom noticing the subtle things that God does, times He is present and active within and around me.

A unique prayer in which all Sisters of St. Joseph participate, initiated by our Founder, Fr. Jean Pierre Médaille, S.J., is called State of the Heart.  This activity is commonly done almost any time the Sisters gather as a group, and the purpose of it is to share among themselves... or dare I say, "ourselves," the movements of God which we have recently observed as we live out our ministries or other daily pursuits.  The format of State of the Heart is this: 

• First, we are invited to remember the works of zeal in which we have been engaged recently. Works of zeal are any encounter or experience or event of our lives in relation to any creature or to ourselves. Quite simply, we ask: What are all of the things, big and little, that have occurred in my life since last I sat down to remember? Choose one or several incidents and reconstruct them according to time, place, persons, my actions, outcomes and how I felt at the time. 

• Second, we consider what we have remembered and ask ourselves questions similar to the following: How does this experience remind me of other events in my life? How does it mirror a scripture or a maxim? Is there a pattern or a theme in my life that this event relates to? How am I feeling as I remember it? 

• Last of all, we listen for movements within: What is moving in me now? Am I being drawn to something deeper? To gratitude? To action? What inclinations or desires do I sense within? What is happening within me? In this way, I feel and interpret what I have contemplated.

• I now tell my story of the works of zeal and share my reflection with the gathered community. Each person’s sharing is received reverently, without critique, judgment, or comment. 

In order to do this prayer, it is crucial to be able to recall those times when God was acting and you knew it--and my problem is that I usually can't remember.  I read this recently in a book on prayer: 

Awareness is the beginning, middle and end of every stream of spirituality: listen, wake up, pay attention. 

...and that is precisely what I don't do, but want to learn how to do.  My hope is that one of the things I will gain from living with the Sisters is the habit of being alert and conscious of God acting in my life.  I realized recently that the main thing I want in life now, the only thing I really want, is to get closer to God, to know Him better--and I think that by joining the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, I will do that. 

Setting Up My New House

+JMJ+

I slept in my new house for the first time last night.  This is the area in my room which I use as a focusing aid for my personal prayer time.

Prayer at the Hour of the Crucifixion

Lord Jesus, Redeemer of all, hear my prayer.

For the love You bear to those who ask forgiveness,

look mercifully on me,

as You looked on Mary Magdalene

and on Peter who denied You. 

Look on me, Lord Jesus Christ,

as You looked on the thief on his cross,

and on every sinner

whom You have ever forgiven.

Look on me, merciful Lord,

as You looked on Your mother, Mary,

standing in sorrow beneath Your cross.

Let me feel in my heart

her compassion for You,

and let my eyes weep

for the sorrow my sins have caused.

Call me from the darkness

 to my Father's house,

give me a new heart

 and a place at Your side in Eternity.

Amen

My God, I believe, I adore, 
I trust, and I love You! 

I beg pardon for those who do not believe, 
do not adore, do not trust, 
and do not love You.

A Life Hidden in Christ

+JMJ+

I was given an insight in prayer last night about how I am supposed to live now.

 

God made me understand that He wants me to stop focusing on all the great and heroic things I imagine myself doing for love of Him, and instead learn to be perfect in a different way: by living a very quiet life hidden in Him, as He did when He was a child in Nazareth--doing the mundane, domestic--often boring--tasks that need to be done at home, but doing them with great love and patience--all for Him.  

 

This makes sense to me, because at this moment, I am engaged in trying to solve a big problem: that is, changing what needs to be changed in order for me and my parents to have a clean and orderly house--a decent, safe, peaceful and ordinary existence.  

 

It's not going to happen overnight, but He has given me all the resources I need in order to achieve this.  He sent me a devout Catholic therapist who understands the spiritual and emotional struggle I am in, and knows what to say to give me the courage needed to confront the situation and strategies for resolving it; I have a happy and fulfilling life outside the house, doing work for my parish; I have a loving and supportive pastor who understands the problem and will not allow me to give up; and I am blessed to be in a strong, loving and sustaining relationship with Him, through the deep prayer life which He has given to me. 

 

As this all unfolds in time, I know He will give me the graces and understanding I need in order to solve the problems before me.  I just need to persevere, to be calm and measured in my approach to the problem, confident that with His help, I will find a way to do what is needed--and in the process, I will learn what it is that He wishes to teach me through my experience of this trial.

 

I am on a journey.  God is at the end of it.  And I know I'll get there because I love Him, and He loves me.  And by then, I will love Him even more. 

 

Jesus, I trust in You!  

 

The Little Way of St. Therese

 

 

Hearing the Voice of God

+JMJ+

Gospel for Today's Mass (Mt 1:18-24)

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about.
When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph,
but before they lived together,
she was found with child through the Holy Spirit.
Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man,
yet unwilling to expose her to shame,
decided to divorce her quietly.
Such was his intention when, behold,
the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said,
“Joseph, son of David,
do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home.
For it is through the Holy Spirit
that this child has been conceived in her.
She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.”
All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:
Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall name him Emmanuel,
which means “God is with us.”
When Joseph awoke,
he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him
and took his wife into his home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For some reason I have become obsessed with wanting to hear God speaking to me.  I don't mean literally hearing a voice, of course:  I am not crazy.  But I want to know what He wants from me: I want to have some certainty, like Joseph had when he learned in a dream that it was OK for him to take Mary as his wife even though it appeared she was about to have an illegitimate child. 

I talk to Him all the time... and I believe that sometimes He puts impulses into my brain to do good things, because that has happened quite a few times... but I want more communication.... Books say to pray, but to stay still and "listen."  What exactly am I listening FOR?  

I guess I understand now, why someone would want a spiritual director:  I feel like I need someone to help me with this!  I am going to start asking God to send me one, if He thinks I need it.  Father Mario is my spiritual director now--and I will definitely ask him to help me with this, but he said he thinks I need someone more experienced than he is. +

We Must Become Like Little Children...

+JMJ+

 

Gospel for November 29, 2016 Lk 10:21-24

Jesus rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said,
“I give you praise, Father, Lord of heaven and earth,
for although you have hidden these things
from the wise and the learned
you have revealed them to the childlike."

When Fr. Rafael preached on this Gospel yesterday, he told us that we must become like little children.  Later on that night, when I started to pray, I said to Jesus, "I want to become like a little child, but how can I possibly do that?  I am too old, I am too sophisticated, and I can't even remember what it was like to be a child!  There's no way I can do that!"

 

The Lord said to me, "Don't worry about it, because you are already a child.  Haven't you given your whole heart to My love, and don't you totally trust in Me?   You believe everything that My Church teaches, and you never feel the need to question any of it.  Don't you talk to Me all day long about everything that is happening in your life, and aren't you always trying to pay attention and notice what I am doing in your life and the lives of those around you?  You are completely obedient to authority, and You tell Me all the time how much you want to do My will in everything.  You constantly tell Me how much you love and adore Me. You are always saying that you want to see My face, to embrace Me.  You want to spend as much time as you can with Me in prayer, and you delight in acts of worship at church.  Your greatest joy in life has always been to receive Me in the Holy Eucharist. That is exactly how a child acts with a beloved parent.  Don't you see: you are My child already!"

 

Then what else do You want from me, Lord?

 

"I want you to be a good Sister, to live the life of a religious well, and to bring lost souls back to Me." +

 

Pray Always

+JMJ+

I prayed for a long time at bedtime last night, and it was a very beautiful experience, so much joy... at one point, I realized that this is what Heaven will be like: constant union with Him in complete happiness, union that never ends.

Later on during the night, I woke up with the phrase "pray always" in my mind, and I thought: "that's what I should try to do... maybe I could avoid sin by sincerely trying to be in union with Him in prayer constantly throughout the day, and whenever I find that I have gotten distracted and left Him, just bring myself back to Him.  So, for the rest of the night, whenever I woke up, as I went back to sleep I turned to Him in prayer until I naturally fell asleep. 

When I woke up Saturday morning and looked at my email, I saw that the Gospel reading for today's Mass is Lk 18:1-8, in which Jesus tells us to "pray always without becoming weary."

What I am trying to do is like recollection, but deeper, and I hope it will make it possible for me to stay calm and avoid anger. +

Approaching Abandonment to God's Will

+JMJ+ 

I haven't written anything here in awhile, and I realize now that it is because I have been neglecting my prayer life for quite some time.  I didn't do that deliberately, but I have been so preoccupied with keeping things going on a daily basis since my father broke his hip and went into rehab, that I stopped making time with God a priority as I had in the past--and just when I needed it most. 

Recently, while talking with Fr. Mario, I finally understood that although I had been saying that I accepted that this life I have is God's will for me--and that I must patiently endure it--I had actually NOT accepted it at all;  instead, I have been fighting God constantly, with a heart secretly full of resentment and anger.  Anger mainly directed at my parents, I am very ashamed to admit--since it is not their fault!  I truly do believe that God does not make mistakes, and that He has me here for a reason--a reason not at all clear to me, but that doesn't matter, because I know He is doing what is best for me, what will ultimately bring me closer to Him--and that is what I want, too.  

I am also ashamed to admit that my current life is a source of great suffering for me, simply because I have such a strong will and basically, want to be in control of my life: I want what I want--and I wanted God to go along with me.  So, I have been doing it all wrong for a long time, and I am resolved to stop refusing the suffering that comes with this. I am determined to be calm and patient, knowing that He will release me when He has accomplished in my soul what He wishes to do.  It may be sooner, or it may be later, I have no idea, but I have to wait on Him.  This acceptance has brought me to a new level of calm and happiness.   

Recognizing that I had not been spending much time with God in prayer either, I decided to pray for at least an hour today, and a revelation came with that.  He told me that I need to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard--that what He wants is just to be with me, and have me be with Him. What He wants, is the most valuable thing I have--the only thing I have worth giving to Him--my time. If I give Him the time He wants, He can and will heal me from the wounds which I have deeply buried in my consciousness, one of which was revealed to me today while I prayed.  That is, I am psychologically primed to expect rejection.

I have not experienced much love in my life, and so, without admitting it, I had convinced myself that I did not need love--simply because I could not bear any more rejection.  My assumption, when I left the Dominicans, was that--even though I loved Him with my whole heart and wanted only to give my life to Him--that God Himself had rejected me!  --and so I endured more than 20 years of terrible pain and separation from Him until I finally found my way back to the Church on November 18, 2015. 

When Fr. Rafa hugged me at the end of Confession that night, to welcome me back, it was the first time I had allowed anyone to touch me for more than 25 years.  But it felt wonderful--I had forgotten what it was like to be embraced!  Having opened myself to love again, I have found it. Fr. Rafa taught me to relate directly to Jesus in my prayer, instead of the more impersonal "God," and that transformed my prayer life in an incredible way.  Also, I have made beautiful friends from among the members of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, friends who support me both spiritually and emotionally. It is the same when I visit the Sisters of St. Joseph in Concordia: I feel totally loved and accepted. Fr. Mario is also an exceptionally kind and loving person, and I am so grateful that God sent him to OLPH!  I feel as though I am finally becoming well again. +

Jesus' Healing Hands

+JMJ+

I have recently been dealing with another bad period of having trouble loving my parents.  They have so many irritating qualities: my father is angry all the time and verbally abusive to my mother, and she is getting senile, forgetful, and has a hearing problem she refuses to admit (and do something about!) --so we have to repeat everything we say to her at least once, if not more, which drives me crazy.

I know what I really need is to go to Confession--I had the chance tonight but was not prepared, so I plan to go this coming Wednesday--but in the meantime, I was talking to Jesus about this tonight and telling Him that I just don't know what to do!  I want to be different, I want to change, but I just can't seem to change myself!  Just before taking a nap after that, in desperation, I decided to make the same prayer that Pope Francis recently said that he prays each night before going to sleep:  "Lord, if you want to heal me, You can."  

(I just looked it up, and what the Pope actually says is, "Lord, if You will, You can make me clean." Luke 5:12.  So I misquoted him... but what I wrote above is what I said, LOL!)

So anyway, right after I woke up from my nap, a friend called me--and honestly, I was not in the mood to talk, but I wanted to be kind, so I did.  She had previously mentioned a few things about her bad marriage, and I asked her why she married the guy.  That led into a full disclosure of her absolutely horrible childhood (and by the way, she was raped at 15 and got pregnant, which was why she married him!).

I know this was Jesus' way of answering my prayer, of healing me, because her story made me appreciate anew the wonderful childhood that I had, due to the self-sacrificing love of my parents.  I had a childhood totally unlike hers, and I am truly grateful to my parents for what they did for us! Remembering that makes it much easier to be kind and loving to them, as I want to be, and know I should be. +

‘Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.’ (Luke 5:12). - See more at: http://aleteia.org/2016/06/22/pope-francis-what-i-do-each-night-before-bed/#sthash.0ThRYepE.dpuf

‘Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.’ (Luke 5:12). - See more at: http://aleteia.org/2016/06/22/pope-francis-what-i-do-each-night-before-bed/#sthash.0ThRYepE.dpuf

‘Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.’ (Luke 5:12). - See more at: http://aleteia.org/2016/06/22/pope-francis-what-i-do-each-night-before-bed/#sthash.0ThRYepE.dpuf

‘Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.’ (Luke 5:12). - See more at: http://aleteia.org/2016/06/22/pope-francis-what-i-do-each-night-before-bed/#sthash.0ThRYepE.dpuf

Transformations

+JMJ+

Something has happened to me, that I cannot explain: I'm changed.  There is this "new space" inside me, a place of complete silence, calm and serenity--and God is in it.  There is a part of me now that is praying all the time:  it feels like Jesus living in me... possessing me... praying in me.  I used to worry sometimes that He would stop coming to me in my prayer, and I would be left desolate, with nowhere to turn for solace.  Now, His presence is just constant, and I am filled with a quiet joy and peace that never leave me.  It's completely out of my control, and I can't understand it.  But I never want it to stop.  +

My Contemplative LIfe

______________________________________________

+JMJ+

I was thinking today about how incredibly blessed I am to be able to have such a contemplative life.  It's so simple, calm and beautiful, and I love it very much.

Even though I live with my parents in order to take care of them, they do not yet require a lot of hands-on tending, and when I close the door of my room, I can hardly hear anything that goes on in the rest of the house.  I am free to do as much spiritual reading as I wish, and I have my beloved books right here in my room.  I also have all my St. Louis Jesuits CDs which I can listen to whenever I want--they are always inspirational and touch my heart.

Since I am retired, I do not have to go out much (although I do some charitable work also), so I can stay recollected all day, and pray throughout the day.  Jesus is always with me, the minute I seek Him.  Sometimes, He seeks me, and gently pulls me away from something I am doing in order that I may come to Him.  

I reflect a lot on all the incredible and wonderful things God has done for me throughout my life, and the profound mercy and forgiveness I have received, so completely undeserved!  I spend a lot of time just thanking Him, and weeping from the joy of realizing His immense Love for me, also not deserved! 

For reasons I cannot possibly understand, He found me for His Church, and chose me to belong exclusively to Him, no one else.  I have known that for a very long time, and did enter religious life twice, although in my immaturity, I did not trust Him to lead me to the right place.  I was so eager to give Him everything, I just leaped, and did not make wise choices--so I am not in a religious community today, even though I know I belong in one.  As I wrote recently, though, He may be giving me another chance to have the consecrated life He willed for me and for which I long. 

When I go to bed at night, I first turn on the battery-operated votive light under my crucifix (safe to leave on all night!), and get settled in bed.  Then I make the Sign of the Cross and tell Him how much I love and adore Him, and how much I want Him to live in me, and I to live in Him. Then I just relax into His Love flowing through me. If I feel like it, I tell Him anything I want to say about my fears, hopes, aspirations--even though He knows them already.  I can confide my deepest truths to Him, because He loves me no matter what and I know He always will.  

Jesus is my whole life now--it is like being in Heaven already--although I do long to see Him face-to-face and embrace Him!

I am painfully aware that very few people outside monasteries have the luxury of such a life.  I pray that everyone might have it at some point in their lives, because it is a very precious gift to be able to spend so much time with the Lord. +