Advent

+JMJ+

Except for 1981, the year that I was received into the Church, this is definitely the most beautiful Advent I have ever experienced.  I don't know why my heart was so ready for it, but for some reason, I cannot stop rejoicing in the miracle of the Incarnation this year.

 

The very idea of it is astonishing:  that God loves us so much, wants us to know Him so much, that He sent us Jesus, so that we could understand Him, the inexpressible, indescribable Creator, in our own human terms.  He gave us Jesus, in order for us to be able to see with our own eyes what God is really like... to have a perfect example, a model of a holy life before us, to make it easier for us to understand what He hopes for from each of us. 

 

Because of Jesus, we can reach toward the dream that is built into every one of our souls--whether we choose to admit it or not--which is to be like God.  He is the secret love hidden in our hearts, a love that is unlocked once we meet and know Jesus.  The glory of it is overwhelming, and without parallel in worldly existence.

 

Contemplate God's perfect love for every person--and actually see it in human form as Jesus interacts with the people He meets throughout the Scriptures.  No matter who they were, what they looked like, or what they had done, no one was beyond the reach of his love and forgiveness... and neither are any of us.

 

Look at a crucifix, and contemplate the lengths to which God will go to show us how much we should love our fellow man.   And yes, he really meant that: even to the point of sacrificing our own life for others, even one other if necessary--even one other who has injured us in some way, who has done to us what we feel is unforgivable.  Do you think you can't follow Him there?  He did it, He showed us:  we have it within us, with His grace, to do it too.   

 

My Lord and My God!  I can never love You as much as You love me, but please allow me try--to make loving You and living only for You, the goal of my earthly existence!  That is all I want, that is all I ask, that is all I need. +

 

Hearing the Voice of God

+JMJ+

Gospel for Today's Mass (Mt 1:18-24)

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about.
When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph,
but before they lived together,
she was found with child through the Holy Spirit.
Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man,
yet unwilling to expose her to shame,
decided to divorce her quietly.
Such was his intention when, behold,
the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said,
“Joseph, son of David,
do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home.
For it is through the Holy Spirit
that this child has been conceived in her.
She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.”
All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:
Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall name him Emmanuel,
which means “God is with us.”
When Joseph awoke,
he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him
and took his wife into his home.

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For some reason I have become obsessed with wanting to hear God speaking to me.  I don't mean literally hearing a voice, of course:  I am not crazy.  But I want to know what He wants from me: I want to have some certainty, like Joseph had when he learned in a dream that it was OK for him to take Mary as his wife even though it appeared she was about to have an illegitimate child. 

I talk to Him all the time... and I believe that sometimes He puts impulses into my brain to do good things, because that has happened quite a few times... but I want more communication.... Books say to pray, but to stay still and "listen."  What exactly am I listening FOR?  

I guess I understand now, why someone would want a spiritual director:  I feel like I need someone to help me with this!  I am going to start asking God to send me one, if He thinks I need it.  Father Mario is my spiritual director now--and I will definitely ask him to help me with this, but he said he thinks I need someone more experienced than he is. +

We Must Become Like Little Children...

+JMJ+

 

Gospel for November 29, 2016 Lk 10:21-24

Jesus rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said,
“I give you praise, Father, Lord of heaven and earth,
for although you have hidden these things
from the wise and the learned
you have revealed them to the childlike."

When Fr. Rafael preached on this Gospel yesterday, he told us that we must become like little children.  Later on that night, when I started to pray, I said to Jesus, "I want to become like a little child, but how can I possibly do that?  I am too old, I am too sophisticated, and I can't even remember what it was like to be a child!  There's no way I can do that!"

 

The Lord said to me, "Don't worry about it, because you are already a child.  Haven't you given your whole heart to My love, and don't you totally trust in Me?   You believe everything that My Church teaches, and you never feel the need to question any of it.  Don't you talk to Me all day long about everything that is happening in your life, and aren't you always trying to pay attention and notice what I am doing in your life and the lives of those around you?  You are completely obedient to authority, and You tell Me all the time how much you want to do My will in everything.  You constantly tell Me how much you love and adore Me. You are always saying that you want to see My face, to embrace Me.  You want to spend as much time as you can with Me in prayer, and you delight in acts of worship at church.  Your greatest joy in life has always been to receive Me in the Holy Eucharist. That is exactly how a child acts with a beloved parent.  Don't you see: you are My child already!"

 

Then what else do You want from me, Lord?

 

"I want you to be a good Sister, to live the life of a religious well, and to bring lost souls back to Me." +

 

Clinging to Life

+JMJ+

 

Day by day, I am watching my father, who is 90--and who I believe is slowly dying--clinging to life... and I wonder if people who have no faith are the ones who fight the hardest to keep on living.  He has proudly told me, many times, that he does not believe in God.

 

Not that it matters in the ultimate scheme of things, but he has no quality of life whatsoever.  It is a terrible and long ordeal for him to get up and dressed in the morning with lots of help from my mother... he eats, but very little... he struggles to walk to the bathroom and get up off the toilet afterward... my mother has to wipe him off because he can't do it himself... then he sleeps until it's time to eat again... he goes to bed as early as possible in the evening. He won't--or can't--let go. 

 

If I didn't have Jesus in my life, right beside me, loving me, comforting me, supporting me--my constant companion as I go through the day, I think I would probably be the same way.  For my father, life is all he has, and existence is all he values.

 

I feel differently. I long to see Jesus face-to-face, and I can't imagine struggling so hard against death, like my father is.  At night as I pray, I tell Jesus how much I long for Him... how much I want to embrace Him, to see His face.  I know I am not living as holy a life as I want to, as I know He wants me to, but I trust in His mercy, because He knows I am trying as best I can.  Yes, often failing, but trying because I love Him so much.  He made me the way I am, complete with all my faults:  He knows me as no one else does, but He loves me anyway... and I trust in that love. 

 

I think when the time comes, I will let go very easily.  I wish my father could do the same, because it is heartbreaking to watch.  

 

Oh dear Lord!  I pray tonight for all the people who do not believe in You, that somehow they will receive the grace to open their hearts to You, to know that You are there, and that You love them as no one else can--and that they will be humble enough to accept that love!  +  

 

 

Choosing God

+JMJ+

 

Ever since I returned to the Church about a year ago, I have been feeling so bad about the fact that I now have a rich, full and happy life--but my parents don't.  I feel like I have left them behind, and it has made me feel very guilty. 

 

Suddenly, today, I realized that it was their choice to live as they have, and it is not my fault!  There was nothing stopping them from staying close to a church, or even possibly converting to Catholicism after I did--they certainly received a lot of exposure to the Faith, since they came with me to many events in my parish, and after I entered the convent, they visited me frequently while I was there and had many conversations with the other Sisters.  

 

When I began the process of applying to become a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph, their only question was, "how will this impact us?"  Once I reassured them that I was not going to leave them, they never asked any more questions.  And even now, when I go to something related to Church, they almost never express any interest or curiosity, other than "when will you get home?" --or comments that amount to "you spend too much time there."  

 

I suddenly feel very liberated!  I am not responsible for the choices they have made, or have not made!  All I am responsible for, is to continue to pray that their hearts will become open to Him, and they will want to live their lives with Him and for Him, as I am trying to do.  Blessed be God forever!  +

 

 

Were They Angels?

+JMJ+

OK, I am going to go out on a limb here with this story, but I am wondering!

At Mass last Sunday morning, there was an older woman with a young child sitting at the end of my pew.  I had never seen them before.  While I was putting down my missal, Bible and journal, the woman asked me where she could buy a Catholic Bible for her grandson.  I told her where I had bought mine, and she asked me how much it cost, and I told her: $35.00.  Frankly, she didn't look like she could afford $35.00, but at that moment I did not think much about that. 

There was about 15 minutes left before Mass was to start, so I decided to go to the restroom.  As I was walking there, the thought suddenly came to me:  I should give them my Bible.  Then in my head, I heard the words, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts."  I was a little resistant, since I really liked that Bible, but I resolved to do it.

When I returned to the pew, I gave them the Bible.  They did not act like you would expect a stranger to act when given such an unexpected gift:  it seemed almost as if they already knew I would give it to them, but that did not bother me, because I felt good about doing it.

I planned to speak to them after Mass, to welcome them to our parish or something like that, but when I looked up after the last hymn, they had disappeared--I never saw them leave.  +

Pray Always

+JMJ+

I prayed for a long time at bedtime last night, and it was a very beautiful experience, so much joy... at one point, I realized that this is what Heaven will be like: constant union with Him in complete happiness, union that never ends.

Later on during the night, I woke up with the phrase "pray always" in my mind, and I thought: "that's what I should try to do... maybe I could avoid sin by sincerely trying to be in union with Him in prayer constantly throughout the day, and whenever I find that I have gotten distracted and left Him, just bring myself back to Him.  So, for the rest of the night, whenever I woke up, as I went back to sleep I turned to Him in prayer until I naturally fell asleep. 

When I woke up Saturday morning and looked at my email, I saw that the Gospel reading for today's Mass is Lk 18:1-8, in which Jesus tells us to "pray always without becoming weary."

What I am trying to do is like recollection, but deeper, and I hope it will make it possible for me to stay calm and avoid anger. +