My Letter Requesting Permission to Become a Novice

+JMJ+

Well, the "moment of truth" is getting closer... I was told that I should submit a letter sometime in April to ask to be admitted to the Novitiate. Here is the letter I have drafted, but I have asked a few people I trust to read it to make suggestions for improvement. If you have any, I'd love to hear them!

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I am writing to ask permission to enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia KS.

In the course of the studies in which I have participated during the past year and a half, I have learned that--without knowing it--I truly believe I already possess the charism of the Sisters of St. Joseph, in that my entire professional life was imbued with the Ignatian ministry of presence. This observation came as quite a surprise to me, as I reviewed my life and noticed how important it was for me--in every encounter with my staff and especially the students with whom I worked--to embody love for them: I was actually consciously aware of my desire to do this every time I stepped out of my office. There was a specific incident I could describe for you, if you ever want to hear it--which occurred during my first week in Library School--that sparked this deep commitment, but I now believe also that this was God’s grace, His gift to me, to have such a strong desire to be the incarnation of love for those I served. Nothing was more important to me, and it was what I stressed continually to my staff: “Yes, I want you to be competent and efficient--but more than anything, love them, each and every person who comes into the Library to seek your assistance.” I think they probably got tired of hearing it, because I talked about it incessantly!

As you know, I was formerly a Dominican Sister with the St. Cecilia Congregation in Nashville TN: I made my First Profession of Vows in August 1987. I had no problems living religious life--in fact, I loved it--however, over the course of the years leading up to Final Vows, I gradually became aware of the fact that I was not able to be fully who I am as a member of that Community. As I had become more spiritually and emotionally mature, I sensed that I was playing a role as I tried to fit into their ethos. I very reluctantly and painfully reached the conclusion that I would not be acting with integrity if I remained among them: my interpretation of this, after much prayer, was that although I was convinced that it was God’s Will for me to be a Sister, it was not His Will for me to be a Nashville Dominican. Therefore, I asked to be released from my Temporary Vows and left of my own free choice in the Spring of 1990.

I was in a state of shock and bewilderment when I got home--and I had no plan for how to continue my life. In retrospect, I realize that I should have sought the counsel of my beloved friend, Fr. Frederick Flaherty, M.S., who had received me into the Church in 1981 and become my trusted spiritual mentor. However, by this time he had been transferred by his Order to a parish in North Carolina, and I was, to be quite honest, ashamed to face him, to disappoint him, after what I viewed as a great failure. I was 43 years old, and convinced that there was no chance any other Community would accept me at that advanced age, and so I decided there was nothing else I could do but resume my previous career as a professional librarian.

The next 25 years were horrible, as I struggled with deep depression. On the surface, I appeared to be fine, and no one except my doctors--who tried every possible medication to mitigate my condition--knew what was really going on with me. I felt terribly hurt, and blamed God for not protecting me from making such a mistake; I felt as though He had rejected me and refused my offer to give my life to Him. I was very bitter, and although I never intended to do so, I gradually drifted away from the practice of my Faith; I was too embarrassed to return to my old parish, and could not find another where I felt at home. I was used to the quiet and austerity of convent life, and I just couldn’t seem to adjust.

Deep down, though, I always knew that I would return to the Church someday, and “someday” arrived after I retired in September 2015, and at last was released from the stress of the heavy responsibilities of my job--and had the time and interior space to reflect on what had happened to me. Very timidly, I tried to pray again, and once I did, God revealed to me very quickly that what I had blamed Him for--the failure of my vocation--was actually my fault, not His. In my passionate desire to give my life to Him, I had never taken time to discern where I really belonged, in fact--once I thought about it--I realized that I had never even asked Him where I should go--I just went! He had not rejected me at all! Once I knew that, I couldn’t wait to come back, and I did so on November 18, 2015.

During my lengthy Confession that night, as I was explaining to Fr. Rafael Carballo where I had been for the last 25 years, he made the offhand remark that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying again to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominicans. I remember telling him that he was wrong, that he did not realize how rigid women’s Orders are, that they don’t want anyone over 35, and I was sure I was correct about that. But his comment stayed in my mind, and over the next few months, as I thought about it, I wondered if he could possibly be right: was it true that I had made a terrible mistake, and that I should have found another Community and fulfilled the vocation Fr. Flaherty and I knew I had?

Increasingly, I began to believe that Fr. Rafael was right, and once I recognized that, I began to suffer terribly. For quite awhile, I tried to convince myself that this was just the Cross I had to bear, and that--after all--I wouldn’t live that much longer anyway. I struggled to accept and endure it, but the pain kept getting worse and worse. Finally, on the night of March 10, 2016, I was alone in my room, and I said to God--practically screamed at Him, actually--”Lord! You know how miserable I am! I am going to ask You for something impossible! IMPOSSIBLE, I know!!!! But if there is any way I could still have a consecrated life--even now--show me, and I will do whatever You want.”

Two nights later, March 12, 2016, I went to the Vigil Mass on Saturday night as I was in the habit of doing. At that time, I always preferred to sit near the back, but on that night, after I had been seated in my usual spot, praying and waiting for Mass to start, I had the sudden impulse, about 5 minutes before Mass, to get up and move up about 5 or 6 rows. I have no idea why I did that, nor had I ever done anything like that before. But during the Consecration, as I was kneeling, I looked down, and on the seat of the pew directly in front of me was a white piece of paper, with the words SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA, KS at the top of the page. It was turned directly toward me: not upside down, not sideways--right in front of me--and although I realized I should not be doing this during the Consecration, I read what was written on the page, which appeared to be a speech about the Congregation. I was stunned, and I thought, “can it be? Is it possible that this is God’s answer to my prayer?”

I made a point of memorizing the name of the Order, and as soon as I got home, I looked it up on the Internet and found your website. As I explored it, I saw the description of the agrégée membership, and I remember thinking, “Wow, I could actually do that!” --because at the time, I believed I could not leave my parents. I also discovered that one of your Vocation Directors was in Georgia--Sr. Dian, of course. I emailed her at once, and I decided to include a link to a blog I have been writing for several years, My Catholic Journey. I wanted her to know my “story,” because I am definitely a reformed sinner, and I thought, “They will have to know this sooner or later, so I might as well be upfront about it right now.”

To my amazement, she emailed me back about an hour later, and asked if I could come to Cartersville the following Wednesday to meet her for lunch, which I did. The minute I met her, I felt an instant rapport. We had a wonderful lunch, and remarkably (to me), despite my age, she was very encouraging, and asked if I could come to visit in June, during the Annual Assembly. At first I said “no,” because I didn’t believe I could leave my parents alone that long, and it had been a long time since I had travelled anywhere. She persisted, however, and I said I would try--and indeed, I did come.

I was smitten by the Sisters, it was love at first sight. What convinced me that this was where I belong, was an event I was allowed to attend, during which the outgoing members of the Leadership Team were being honored. Many Sisters went up to speak in glowing terms about the work of the LT members, and it was obvious to me that they are women deeply devoted to Christ. All I could think--and all I still think--is that “I want to be with people like this! I could become a better follower of Jesus myself, by living with these people.” I have visited several times since, and my subsequent visits only made me more certain.

In addition, I should say this: although my parents are advanced in years, they are in good health and are financially secure. I would prefer that they move into assisted living, but it is their choice to remain in their home with their numerous cats. My brother, who lives in Atlanta, is very well-off, and I am sure that he will see to their future needs, and that they will want for nothing, so I am comfortable leaving them on their own.

Finally: I am convinced that God has given me a second chance to do what I was meant to do, and that He led me directly to you. Therefore I am asking that I be permitted to prepare to become a canonically vowed member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia.

Particularity and Election

+JMJ+

I listened to a podcast recently which I found out about quite accidentally, because someone posted a link to it on Facebook:

https://catholicstuffpodcast.com/podcast/2010/11/23/election-vocation-and-mission.html

... and although I didn't especially care for the tone of these guys (seminarians who sound like frat boys), it was so helpful to me.

I have had this years-long guilt complex about the fact that God seems to have singled me out for special blessings... when I review my life, it appears to me as though He relentlessly pursued me since childhood--while I resisted and ignored Him for years--and that miraculously, He gave me this amazing gift of loving Him passionately--an overwhelming, irresistible desire to give my life totally to Him .... ALL THAT, in spite of the fact that I am so COMPLETELY UNDESERVING of it, completely unworthy of being loved so much!

This podcast really answered that for me, because they explained the idea of particularity and election--that God loves each person in a special way, and gives different graces to different people: He love us as individuals, not just one big group--just as we humans love some people differently than we do others.  It made so much sense, and finally put to rest my perpetual uneasiness about the apparent unfairness of Him choosing ME to receive such incredible gifts... and moreover, that I really AM lovable, in my own unique, quirky, messed up, sinful way!

So: it's OK for me to enjoy His gift, revel in it, reciprocate it... because it's a complete gift He decided--for some unfathomable reason--to give to ME. I know I am not explaining this very well... I hope it makes some sense.

Needless to say, afterwards I spent a glorious--albeit sleepless--night, in joyful communion with Him. I can just love Jesus now, with all that incredible passion that's in my heart, and with no guilt about how wonderfully glorious it is to be loved so much back!

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Peace of Heart

I have been reading this wonderful little book by Fr. Jacques Philippe this week. One of his main points is that true interior peace can only be obtained through complete abandonment to God's Will, by offering Jesus your total trust:

"In order that abandonment might be authentic and engender peace, it must be total. We must put everything, without exception, into the hands of God, not seeking any longer to manage or "to save" ourselves by our own means: not in the material domain, nor the emotional, nor the spiritual. ... all reality that we have not surrendered to God ... will  continue to make us more or less uneasy."

Ever since I found God, I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude, and a desire to give Him something--some kind of gift--in return for what He has given me--which is, basically, life... a life grounded on faith which feels meaningful, not aimless... a life which rests on a deep joy that nothing can take away from me.

Before I became a believer, I was searching continually, and I was well aware of that--looking for something, anything, in which I could lose myself, which would carry me away, which would obsess me... essentially, for something which would distract me from the emptiness I felt, the vague sense of panic that I would never find anything that would fully engage me and make me feel as though life was worth living.  Every year, practically, it was something else that I hoped would do the trick, but nothing ever did... until Him. 

Last night, while praying after reading more of this book, I suddenly realized what gift He wants from me: it is the gift of my complete trust, throwing myself across the abyss into His arms, not looking down... and I have to admit I am scared to death of doing it--and I told Him so!  I am afraid, because up until now, I realize that I have only paid lip service to obedience to God's Will: instead, I have spent my entire time on earth never trusting anyone, and, in my perfectionistic way, always manipulating and managing everything possible in order to ensure a good outcome for me, trying to protect myself from disappointment, suffering, any kind of pain. 

However, I believe that God will not deny us the graces we need, if we ask for them in persevering prayer, and thus I am now asking for this: the grace to have the courage to trust Him totally.  Just knowing--finally--that this is the "missing piece" in my spiritual life has made me feel so much better, and more focused on pleasing Him... and less on pleasing myself!

God's Providence

+ JMJ +

I am marveling tonight at the intricacy of God's plans, and how long they can take to come to fruition... yet, they inevitably do.

This afternoon, my father and I visited a nearby assisted living facility, because I think (and he agrees) that it's time for him and my mother to move to such a place because of the care they now need.

While our host at the center was chatting with us, learning more about my father, his life, his situation, she asked him how he happened to move to Carrollton.

Although they never knew this, their move to Carrollton has for years been a sore subject for me, because they moved here without consulting me, effectively trapping me in a job which I did not intend to keep for more than about 5 years.  I was then in the midst of a conflict with my supervisor (who was eventually fired), and I was planning to move on as soon as I found another suitable position.  Not only that, but I have never liked the culture of the South, and really wanted to return to the North or Midwest.

After they relocated here, it took me years and years to work through my resentment and frustration with being stuck here--and I suppose, to a degree, I never really got over being annoyed that I felt forced to stay, since they moved to this town in order to be closer to me. 

Today's meeting at the assisted living facility brought all those angry feelings back, but as I was musing on this tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that had I not stayed here, the wonderful thing that has happened to me--God's great gift to me, His miracle: another chance to have a consecrated life--would not have happened!

I am on the verge (I think so!) of being able to realize my desire to become a Sister again as a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas.  But, the proximate cause of this incredible development, was Fr. Rafael's "chance" remark in the Confessional 2 1/2 years ago, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominican Order in 1990.  And, again, if I had not been right here--in Carrollton, Georgia--I would not have seen, on that amazing night of March 12, 2016, the text of Sr. Crystal's speech about the Community which she planned to give for National Sisters' Week at the end of Mass that evening, and had left on the pew where she was seated in front of me.  At that time, I did not know her and had never even heard of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas! 

Honestly, I am in a state of shock right now, thinking about the fact that if I had gotten my way, and been able to move, none of what is happening now would have happened!  God planned this for me... He planned it for me--and what I perceived at that time, some 25 years ago, to be an annoying event which kept me from doing what I wanted to do, actually has turned out to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  God willing, I will enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph this coming Fall.  Wow. 

State of the Heart

+JMJ+

One of the things I have learned since I began my relationship with the Sisters of St. Joseph, is that I lack awareness/memory of what God is doing in my life.   I remember the big things, the events that seem like miracles--but I have always wandered through life focused on trivial details, and seldom noticing the subtle things that God does, times He is present and active within and around me.

A unique prayer in which all Sisters of St. Joseph participate, initiated by our Founder, Fr. Jean Pierre Médaille, S.J., is called State of the Heart.  This activity is commonly done almost any time the Sisters gather as a group, and the purpose of it is to share among themselves... or dare I say, "ourselves," the movements of God which we have recently observed as we live out our ministries or other daily pursuits.  The format of State of the Heart is this: 

• First, we are invited to remember the works of zeal in which we have been engaged recently. Works of zeal are any encounter or experience or event of our lives in relation to any creature or to ourselves. Quite simply, we ask: What are all of the things, big and little, that have occurred in my life since last I sat down to remember? Choose one or several incidents and reconstruct them according to time, place, persons, my actions, outcomes and how I felt at the time. 

• Second, we consider what we have remembered and ask ourselves questions similar to the following: How does this experience remind me of other events in my life? How does it mirror a scripture or a maxim? Is there a pattern or a theme in my life that this event relates to? How am I feeling as I remember it? 

• Last of all, we listen for movements within: What is moving in me now? Am I being drawn to something deeper? To gratitude? To action? What inclinations or desires do I sense within? What is happening within me? In this way, I feel and interpret what I have contemplated.

• I now tell my story of the works of zeal and share my reflection with the gathered community. Each person’s sharing is received reverently, without critique, judgment, or comment. 

In order to do this prayer, it is crucial to be able to recall those times when God was acting and you knew it--and my problem is that I usually can't remember.  I read this recently in a book on prayer: 

Awareness is the beginning, middle and end of every stream of spirituality: listen, wake up, pay attention. 

...and that is precisely what I don't do, but want to learn how to do.  My hope is that one of the things I will gain from living with the Sisters is the habit of being alert and conscious of God acting in my life.  I realized recently that the main thing I want in life now, the only thing I really want, is to get closer to God, to know Him better--and I think that by joining the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, I will do that. 

Getting Beyond the Fear and the Doubt

+JMJ+

Despite hours and hours of reflection and prayer, I am still very torn emotionally about the decision that is before me... tortured, actually... but just now, I asked God--not to give me a sign--but to give me some clarity, to help me see this from another perspective, to get beyond the pain of giving up so much, and the fear that I am hurting others unnecessarily or too much... and He just did...

I have to be somewhere where I can make a difference... and I am not in such a place now.  That has been a lifelong obsession with me: it was the reason I left the University of Buffalo at the beginning of my career and went to work in a public library... I NEED to be where what I do matters, changes people's lives... and I am not there now.  Since I retired, I am living a mediocre life that is very comfortable, period.

There are other people who can provide my parents with the kind of care they need, it doesn't require ME--it doesn't require my talents, and what I have in my heart and soul, the gifts that God gave me... there are other people who can love my cats--better than I do, actually--I don't give them the amount of attention they want, because my mind is usually elsewhere.  As a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, I would be in a position to do work that is important in the world, work that furthers God's Plan for this world, and doing that is at the core of my identity as a Christian in the world.  I truly believe that.  And I need that.  I hope this means that I am finally past the conflict and the doubt.  +

My Vocation Crisis

+JMJ+

The other night, I awoke in the middle of the night to a terrible temptation against my vocation, the first one I have ever had:  all of a sudden, I said to myself, "Am I crazy???  Why would I want to totally disrupt my nice life right now... give up all my freedom, my beautiful house, my sweet cats, my friends and comfortable routines, a place I feel completely at home?  Right now, I have it made: I am accountable to no one.  I can eat and drink what I want, sleep and rise when I want, go where I want and when I want, buy just about anything I want... Why on earth should I give all up that for the uncertainty and the restrictions that will come if I join the Sisters of St. Joseph?  I am deliberately choosing a life which will be so much harder than the life I have now: this is an INSANE idea!!!!"

Doing this now, I would be giving up even more than I did when I went to the convent the first time, plus I am proposing to do it in my 70s, when normal people are completely settled and content.  Is this the stupidest move ever, or what?

Of course, I prayed, begging God to relieve me of this horrible doubt... and after a while, He brought back to my mind that time when I first knew that He was calling me, about 35 years ago.  It was when I heard the Gospel--probably at Daily Mass--of the Rich Young Man.  I remember so vividly how I felt when I heard Jesus say to me: "Sell all you have, give to the poor, and come follow Me." I was filled with an indescribable joy and excitement, and I realized at that moment, "YES!  That is exactly what I want to do, what I NEED to do:  and I will never be happy in life if I don't do it.  It's what I was born to do:  I can look back on my entire life, and see now how God was leading me toward that from childhood.  

And in addition, how can I possibly overlook the fact that when I begged God, on the night of March 10, 2016--because I was so miserable about not having fulfilled the vocation I know He gave me--to show me how I could still have a consecrated life, two days later, He showed me exactly where to go?  If that isn't an indication of His Will for me, I don't know what would be.

FINALLY I have found the "one thing necessary" so I am moving forward and never looking back again. 

I have calmed down since this happened, and I can visualize that although there will undoubtedly be a bit of a wrench leaving all this, I can also easily imagine how happy I will be living in Concordia with the Community I have already come to love so much.  Yes, I belong there.  I know I do.  +