God's Providence

+ JMJ +

I am marveling tonight at the intricacy of God's plans, and how long they can take to come to fruition... yet, they inevitably do.

This afternoon, my father and I visited a nearby assisted living facility, because I think (and he agrees) that it's time for him and my mother to move to such a place because of the care they now need.

While our host at the center was chatting with us, learning more about my father, his life, his situation, she asked him how he happened to move to Carrollton.

Although they never knew this, their move to Carrollton has for years been a sore subject for me, because they moved here without consulting me, effectively trapping me in a job which I did not intend to keep for more than about 5 years.  I was then in the midst of a conflict with my supervisor (who was eventually fired), and I was planning to move on as soon as I found another suitable position.  Not only that, but I have never liked the culture of the South, and really wanted to return to the North or Midwest.

After they relocated here, it took me years and years to work through my resentment and frustration with being stuck here--and I suppose, to a degree, I never really got over being annoyed that I felt forced to stay, since they moved to this town in order to be closer to me. 

Today's meeting at the assisted living facility brought all those angry feelings back, but as I was musing on this tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that had I not stayed here, the wonderful thing that has happened to me--God's great gift to me, His miracle: another chance to have a consecrated life--would not have happened!

I am on the verge (I think so!) of being able to realize my desire to become a Sister again as a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas.  But, the proximate cause of this incredible development, was Fr. Rafael's "chance" remark in the Confessional 2 1/2 years ago, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominican Order in 1990.  And, again, if I had not been right here--in Carrollton, Georgia--I would not have seen, on that amazing night of March 12, 2016, the text of Sr. Crystal's speech about the Community which she planned to give for National Sisters' Week at the end of Mass that evening, and had left on the pew where she was seated in front of me.  At that time, I did not know her and had never even heard of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas! 

Honestly, I am in a state of shock right now, thinking about the fact that if I had gotten my way, and been able to move, none of what is happening now would have happened!  God planned this for me... He planned it for me--and what I perceived at that time, some 25 years ago, to be an annoying event which kept me from doing what I wanted to do, actually has turned out to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  God willing, I will enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph this coming Fall.  Wow. 

Approaching Abandonment to God's Will

+JMJ+ 

I haven't written anything here in awhile, and I realize now that it is because I have been neglecting my prayer life for quite some time.  I didn't do that deliberately, but I have been so preoccupied with keeping things going on a daily basis since my father broke his hip and went into rehab, that I stopped making time with God a priority as I had in the past--and just when I needed it most. 

Recently, while talking with Fr. Mario, I finally understood that although I had been saying that I accepted that this life I have is God's will for me--and that I must patiently endure it--I had actually NOT accepted it at all;  instead, I have been fighting God constantly, with a heart secretly full of resentment and anger.  Anger mainly directed at my parents, I am very ashamed to admit--since it is not their fault!  I truly do believe that God does not make mistakes, and that He has me here for a reason--a reason not at all clear to me, but that doesn't matter, because I know He is doing what is best for me, what will ultimately bring me closer to Him--and that is what I want, too.  

I am also ashamed to admit that my current life is a source of great suffering for me, simply because I have such a strong will and basically, want to be in control of my life: I want what I want--and I wanted God to go along with me.  So, I have been doing it all wrong for a long time, and I am resolved to stop refusing the suffering that comes with this. I am determined to be calm and patient, knowing that He will release me when He has accomplished in my soul what He wishes to do.  It may be sooner, or it may be later, I have no idea, but I have to wait on Him.  This acceptance has brought me to a new level of calm and happiness.   

Recognizing that I had not been spending much time with God in prayer either, I decided to pray for at least an hour today, and a revelation came with that.  He told me that I need to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard--that what He wants is just to be with me, and have me be with Him. What He wants, is the most valuable thing I have--the only thing I have worth giving to Him--my time. If I give Him the time He wants, He can and will heal me from the wounds which I have deeply buried in my consciousness, one of which was revealed to me today while I prayed.  That is, I am psychologically primed to expect rejection.

I have not experienced much love in my life, and so, without admitting it, I had convinced myself that I did not need love--simply because I could not bear any more rejection.  My assumption, when I left the Dominicans, was that--even though I loved Him with my whole heart and wanted only to give my life to Him--that God Himself had rejected me!  --and so I endured more than 20 years of terrible pain and separation from Him until I finally found my way back to the Church on November 18, 2015. 

When Fr. Rafa hugged me at the end of Confession that night, to welcome me back, it was the first time I had allowed anyone to touch me for more than 25 years.  But it felt wonderful--I had forgotten what it was like to be embraced!  Having opened myself to love again, I have found it. Fr. Rafa taught me to relate directly to Jesus in my prayer, instead of the more impersonal "God," and that transformed my prayer life in an incredible way.  Also, I have made beautiful friends from among the members of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, friends who support me both spiritually and emotionally. It is the same when I visit the Sisters of St. Joseph in Concordia: I feel totally loved and accepted. Fr. Mario is also an exceptionally kind and loving person, and I am so grateful that God sent him to OLPH!  I feel as though I am finally becoming well again. +

An Answer to My Prayer?

___________________________________________

+JMJ+

OK, this is kind of interesting.  

I have continued to feel as though I was called to religious life, despite the fact that I blew my vocation 25 years ago and was afraid to try again.  Still, I cannot shake the conviction that God wanted me to belong to Him exclusively, so lately I have been praying about this, asking Him to please show me what He wants me to do with my life, and promising that I will do whatever He wants... THIS time!  I could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed. 

At Mass tonight, while I was kneeling for the Consecration, I noticed a piece of paper on the pew in front of me, facing toward me so that it was completely easy to read.  It was introducing a woman, apparently a member of my own parish, who is a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.  

I was recently talking to a friend in my prayer group about the importance of paying attention to the little signs that God gives us, which are easy to overlook--and having said that to her, it reminded me to be that sensitive as well.  So, I could not help but wonder if by any chance this might be God's answer to my prayers about my life.

I looked up the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on the web when I got home, and discovered that they have a very unusual (or at least I've never heard of it) category of consecrated member, called an “agrégée sister."  They say this about it on their site:  

                 
In reaching back to our roots in 17th century France, the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia discovered — and revitalized — a second form of religious life for women known as “agrégée.”  ....  Based on research into the original constitution and rules for the congregation, written by founder and Jesuit priest Jean-Pierre Medaille, the sisters now recognize that in addition to canonical members of the order, there were also “agrégée sisters,” from a French word meaning “attached to” or “aggregated with.”  An agrégée — pronounced ah-gre-ZHEY — did not make vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, but she lived according to the rules of the Sisters of St. Joseph through a vow of stability, and was recognized by the local people and the local churches as a Sister of St. Joseph.
In the past decades, the modern Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia studied our origins and our original spirituality, and have revived that early practice based on what we learned. The Senate of the Concordia congregation approved agrégée membership in 2006.... Agrégée sisters profess a vow of fidelity to the congregation, but it is noncanonical, meaning that it is not governed by Church law and is instead a private vow between that sister and the Concordia congregation and is governed by policies. It also means that the agrégée does not relinquish her finances to the congregation, and the congregation assumes no financial responsibility for her. Agrégées do not leave behind their outside lives. Instead, they meet with mentors and study around their regular work and life schedules. Once they have professed their vow, they continue in their work and life schedule and participate in the ordinary gatherings and committee work of the community.

This is nothing like what I had in mind when I thought about resuming some kind of consecrated life, but on the other hand, I can see how it might be the perfect answer, since I am financially stable and independent, but not free to leave the care of my parents and the cats.  Plus, if it is God's will for me, I have promised to obey Him this time.

All I know at this point is that I need, deeply need, to give my life to Him completely.

I emailed their Vocation Director, giving her a link to the story of my conversion:  there was no point in concealing any of my past life, since I would eventually have to tell them the entire truth anyway.  To my surprise, she read it and emailed me back very quickly, asking me to call her tomorrow, so I am going to do it.  I have no idea what this might mean, if anything.  But Your will be done, Oh Lord--that is all I want. +