Transformations

+JMJ+

Something has happened to me, that I cannot explain: I'm changed.  There is this "new space" inside me, a place of complete silence, calm and serenity--and God is in it.  There is a part of me now that is praying all the time:  it feels like Jesus living in me... possessing me... praying in me.  I used to worry sometimes that He would stop coming to me in my prayer, and I would be left desolate, with nowhere to turn for solace.  Now, His presence is just constant, and I am filled with a quiet joy and peace that never leave me.  It's completely out of my control, and I can't understand it.  But I never want it to stop.  +

Detachment

+JMJ+

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We recently received some very bad news in our parish:  our beloved Father Rafael is being transferred away from us to St. Mary's in Rome, effective July 1, 2016.

At the time I heard this, I became quite depressed--as did everyone else I knew at OLPH--however, as I wrote to Father Rafael at the time, "You know far better than I, that ultimately we must renounce all earthly attachments--including our own will--and cling to God alone. I am trying to be grateful for His will to purify us now, in order to free our hearts to seek only Him--even though the "gift" is very painful.  Maybe that comforts you too..."

Trying to see this event from the perspective of eternity has been hard, but God has made me understand very deeply, that this is the right way to look at it.  The truth is, that I have been emotionally attached to Father Rafael for a long time, and it has distracted me from total devotion to Jesus. 

It is not a profane attachment, nothing like a "crush" or anything like that:  but from the time I met him, I was strongly drawn to him because I saw immediately that he has the same all-consuming passion for God that I have--and so I saw him as a "fellow traveller" on the road to holiness, which made me want to know him better.  I don't meet people like that, and I wanted to be his friend.  He did not allow that, and I understand why he cannot--but that only made my attachment stronger, because I wanted to overcome his resistance!

I had planned to ask Father Rafael last night during the Holy Hour, if he would mind if I kept him as my confessor for awhile, until I got to know the new priest (Father Mario) and became comfortable with him.  However, the opportunity to talk with him did not occur, and now I know why:  last night in prayer,  I saw that this was really only another way I had devised of resisting God and maintaining the attachment, instead of letting go as He wants me to do.  

Painful and difficult as it is, He is giving me an opportunity to turn completely to Him... to free my heart to belong only to Him.  So, I know now what I must do, and I am determined to do it.  Thank You, Lord, for showing me so clearly that Your way is the only way, and that if I truly love You as I say I do, I will obey You in all things no matter what the cost.  +

My Fast Day

+JMJ+

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I am surprised by how much I have come to look forward to my Friday day of fasting and prayer.  To be completely honest, when I first started it (January 1, 2016), it seemed a bit stressful and at times uncomfortable-- and I kind of dreaded it and wondered whether I had made a mistake in committing myself to this practice.  Now--and I have to think this is a grace from God--I actually love it.  

I begin the day by getting up and going to Mass in the morning, which feels like the perfect way to mark this special day.  I don't even mind getting up early for that anymore, either!  Afterwards, I can stay in the church as long as I want to pray, before going home and beginning my day's activities, which I try to keep light so that I have plenty of time for spiritual reading and more prayer. 

It is a day of complete simplicity and calm, a respite from the busyness of the rest of the week.  How glad I am now, that the Lord inspired me to do this!  I recommend it to you all.  +

How Sin Hurts Jesus

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+JMJ+

I have no idea if this is theologically sound*, but today in prayer, Jesus allowed me to experience in a very deep and personal way, how my uncharitable acts deepen His wounds even more.

This was something I knew on an intellectual basis--and so of course, I am always sorry for my sins--but after what happened to me today, I feel a sense of sorrow and remorse for my failures unlike anything I've ever experienced.  Each one of my sins, quite literally, make His wounds more painful and make Him suffer more.

This awareness makes me want to avoid all sin as I never have before: since I love Him so much, I cannot bear the thought of hurting Him!

The Catechism says this:  "Since our sins made the Lord Christ suffer the torment of the cross, those who plunge themselves into disorders and crimes crucify the Son of God anew in their hearts (for he is in them) and hold him up to contempt. And it can be seen that our crime in this case is greater in us than in the Jews. As for them, according to the witness of the apostle, “None of the rulers of this age understood this; for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.” We, however, profess to know him. And when we deny him by our deeds, we in some way seem to lay violent hands on him. Nor did demons crucify him; it is you who have crucified him and crucify him still, when you delight in your vices and sins. (CCC 598, quoting St. Francis of Assisi, Admonitio 5.3)"
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My Contemplative LIfe

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+JMJ+

I was thinking today about how incredibly blessed I am to be able to have such a contemplative life.  It's so simple, calm and beautiful, and I love it very much.

Even though I live with my parents in order to take care of them, they do not yet require a lot of hands-on tending, and when I close the door of my room, I can hardly hear anything that goes on in the rest of the house.  I am free to do as much spiritual reading as I wish, and I have my beloved books right here in my room.  I also have all my St. Louis Jesuits CDs which I can listen to whenever I want--they are always inspirational and touch my heart.

Since I am retired, I do not have to go out much (although I do some charitable work also), so I can stay recollected all day, and pray throughout the day.  Jesus is always with me, the minute I seek Him.  Sometimes, He seeks me, and gently pulls me away from something I am doing in order that I may come to Him.  

I reflect a lot on all the incredible and wonderful things God has done for me throughout my life, and the profound mercy and forgiveness I have received, so completely undeserved!  I spend a lot of time just thanking Him, and weeping from the joy of realizing His immense Love for me, also not deserved! 

For reasons I cannot possibly understand, He found me for His Church, and chose me to belong exclusively to Him, no one else.  I have known that for a very long time, and did enter religious life twice, although in my immaturity, I did not trust Him to lead me to the right place.  I was so eager to give Him everything, I just leaped, and did not make wise choices--so I am not in a religious community today, even though I know I belong in one.  As I wrote recently, though, He may be giving me another chance to have the consecrated life He willed for me and for which I long. 

When I go to bed at night, I first turn on the battery-operated votive light under my crucifix (safe to leave on all night!), and get settled in bed.  Then I make the Sign of the Cross and tell Him how much I love and adore Him, and how much I want Him to live in me, and I to live in Him. Then I just relax into His Love flowing through me. If I feel like it, I tell Him anything I want to say about my fears, hopes, aspirations--even though He knows them already.  I can confide my deepest truths to Him, because He loves me no matter what and I know He always will.  

Jesus is my whole life now--it is like being in Heaven already--although I do long to see Him face-to-face and embrace Him!

I am painfully aware that very few people outside monasteries have the luxury of such a life.  I pray that everyone might have it at some point in their lives, because it is a very precious gift to be able to spend so much time with the Lord. +

Anointing of the Sick

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+JMJ+

By being in the right place at the right time today, I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.  

At this morning's Mass, Father Rafael officially received for our parish the Holy Oils that were blessed at the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral yesterday.  A friend told me afterward that it is his custom on this day to offer to anoint anyone present who is either sick or qualifies for anointing because they are elderly--which means anyone 65 and older, which I am.  I considered not going up because I am not sick, but then I thought, "why pass up an opportunity to receive the graces of a Sacrament which you may need--because you could be sick and not even know it yet!"

Happily, about a dozen people went forward so I was far from alone.  It was extremely moving.  He had us line up in front of the altar, and then he placed his hands on our heads first, going down the whole line.  Then, he went down the line again, anointing us with the Oil of the Sick on our foreheads and hands, accompanied by this prayer:  "Through this holy anointing may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit. May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up." 

Since I have never received this Sacrament, I did not know about the hands (I had my hands folded and my eyes closed), so he had to push my hands apart to do it, which was slightly embarrassing, but not too much.  Frankly, thinking about all of it now makes me tear up, because it was so very beautiful.

I wanted to stay in the church longer afterward, but workmen were noisily tightening screws on the kneelers, so I gave up and left... but when I got to the car, I carefully wiped off the Holy Oil from my hands and forehead with a Kleenex, and then folded it up with the oil residue inside.  I am keeping it, and it is now on the little shelf under my crucifix.  

Dear Lord, what a lovely blessing you have given me today! +

http://www.usccb.org/about/justice-peace-and-human-development/upload/Anointing-of-the-Sick-handout.pdf

Is Not Recycling a Sin?

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+JMJ+

A couple of times this week, I put an item in the trash when I could have recycled it.  I did not think about it at the time, but tonight for some reason, I did.... and I have concluded that not recycling when you can, has to be a sin.  Not a huge sin, but a sin, nonetheless.

The reason why, I think, is because any time you do not do what you know is the right thing--because you are too lazy--cannot possibly be pleasing to God.  He knows about and cares about everything that happens on Earth;  it is His creation, and because it is His creation--if we love Him--we must love the Earth too. 

Actually, anything you do deliberately that is objectively not good, has to be sinful, because you are falling short of the perfection to which those who love God aspire.

When I go to Confession tomorrow, I hope Father Rafael does not laugh at me when I confess that I did not recycle :-)

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