Approaching Abandonment to God's Will

+JMJ+ 

I haven't written anything here in awhile, and I realize now that it is because I have been neglecting my prayer life for quite some time.  I didn't do that deliberately, but I have been so preoccupied with keeping things going on a daily basis since my father broke his hip and went into rehab, that I stopped making time with God a priority as I had in the past--and just when I needed it most. 

Recently, while talking with Fr. Mario, I finally understood that although I had been saying that I accepted that this life I have is God's will for me--and that I must patiently endure it--I had actually NOT accepted it at all;  instead, I have been fighting God constantly, with a heart secretly full of resentment and anger.  Anger mainly directed at my parents, I am very ashamed to admit--since it is not their fault!  I truly do believe that God does not make mistakes, and that He has me here for a reason--a reason not at all clear to me, but that doesn't matter, because I know He is doing what is best for me, what will ultimately bring me closer to Him--and that is what I want, too.  

I am also ashamed to admit that my current life is a source of great suffering for me, simply because I have such a strong will and basically, want to be in control of my life: I want what I want--and I wanted God to go along with me.  So, I have been doing it all wrong for a long time, and I am resolved to stop refusing the suffering that comes with this. I am determined to be calm and patient, knowing that He will release me when He has accomplished in my soul what He wishes to do.  It may be sooner, or it may be later, I have no idea, but I have to wait on Him.  This acceptance has brought me to a new level of calm and happiness.   

Recognizing that I had not been spending much time with God in prayer either, I decided to pray for at least an hour today, and a revelation came with that.  He told me that I need to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard--that what He wants is just to be with me, and have me be with Him. What He wants, is the most valuable thing I have--the only thing I have worth giving to Him--my time. If I give Him the time He wants, He can and will heal me from the wounds which I have deeply buried in my consciousness, one of which was revealed to me today while I prayed.  That is, I am psychologically primed to expect rejection.

I have not experienced much love in my life, and so, without admitting it, I had convinced myself that I did not need love--simply because I could not bear any more rejection.  My assumption, when I left the Dominicans, was that--even though I loved Him with my whole heart and wanted only to give my life to Him--that God Himself had rejected me!  --and so I endured more than 20 years of terrible pain and separation from Him until I finally found my way back to the Church on November 18, 2015. 

When Fr. Rafa hugged me at the end of Confession that night, to welcome me back, it was the first time I had allowed anyone to touch me for more than 25 years.  But it felt wonderful--I had forgotten what it was like to be embraced!  Having opened myself to love again, I have found it. Fr. Rafa taught me to relate directly to Jesus in my prayer, instead of the more impersonal "God," and that transformed my prayer life in an incredible way.  Also, I have made beautiful friends from among the members of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, friends who support me both spiritually and emotionally. It is the same when I visit the Sisters of St. Joseph in Concordia: I feel totally loved and accepted. Fr. Mario is also an exceptionally kind and loving person, and I am so grateful that God sent him to OLPH!  I feel as though I am finally becoming well again. +

Detachment

+JMJ+

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We recently received some very bad news in our parish:  our beloved Father Rafael is being transferred away from us to St. Mary's in Rome, effective July 1, 2016.

At the time I heard this, I became quite depressed--as did everyone else I knew at OLPH--however, as I wrote to Father Rafael at the time, "You know far better than I, that ultimately we must renounce all earthly attachments--including our own will--and cling to God alone. I am trying to be grateful for His will to purify us now, in order to free our hearts to seek only Him--even though the "gift" is very painful.  Maybe that comforts you too..."

Trying to see this event from the perspective of eternity has been hard, but God has made me understand very deeply, that this is the right way to look at it.  The truth is, that I have been emotionally attached to Father Rafael for a long time, and it has distracted me from total devotion to Jesus. 

It is not a profane attachment, nothing like a "crush" or anything like that:  but from the time I met him, I was strongly drawn to him because I saw immediately that he has the same all-consuming passion for God that I have--and so I saw him as a "fellow traveller" on the road to holiness, which made me want to know him better.  I don't meet people like that, and I wanted to be his friend.  He did not allow that, and I understand why he cannot--but that only made my attachment stronger, because I wanted to overcome his resistance!

I had planned to ask Father Rafael last night during the Holy Hour, if he would mind if I kept him as my confessor for awhile, until I got to know the new priest (Father Mario) and became comfortable with him.  However, the opportunity to talk with him did not occur, and now I know why:  last night in prayer,  I saw that this was really only another way I had devised of resisting God and maintaining the attachment, instead of letting go as He wants me to do.  

Painful and difficult as it is, He is giving me an opportunity to turn completely to Him... to free my heart to belong only to Him.  So, I know now what I must do, and I am determined to do it.  Thank You, Lord, for showing me so clearly that Your way is the only way, and that if I truly love You as I say I do, I will obey You in all things no matter what the cost.  +

Giving Your Life to God

+JMJ+


It's amazing how people resist devoting their lives to following Jesus.  I was definitely one of them until very recently.  I know I did love Him and tried to be faithful for many years after I became a Catholic--in fact, I even entered religious life (but left after 6 years).  Despite taking that significant step, I now realize that I was not really deeply committed to Him, although I sincerely thought I was at the time.

A friend posted on Facebook about how sports fills a void in peoples' lives, and I remarked on how trivial that seemed... and then eventually felt compelled to post this:  "To be perfectly honest, I am trying very hard to live a holy life devoted to Christ. It is challenging but also exciting, ecstatic, really. I am filled with indescribable joy. Most people do not want to hear that, but it's the truth for me."

Although only one person clicked LIKE for that post, I'd be willing to bet that several more read it but were afraid to click LIKE because of the implications of doing that:  "if I click LIKE, why am I not doing it too?"

I think it is because of our unwillingness to cede control of our lives to anyone besides ourselves.  We all have so much pride, we want to call the shots and not let anyone else tell us what to do--at least, that was the way I felt.  Much like St. Augustine, "Lord make me pure but not yet," we want God, but we also don't want to give up what we perceive to be the pleasures of life, either. 

The truth is that you can't have it both ways:  you either decide to give your life to Christ, including all that means, or you don't:  there is no halfway.  However, the surprise is that once you do it, your life really does become filled with incredible joy and happiness, beyond what you were ever able to imagine before, and you don't feel like you gave up anything:  actually, you got EVERYTHING you could possibly want.  It's like a taste of Heaven on earth, and you find out that you can't wait to see Him in person.   You live every day in complete peace and trust, no longer even afraid of death, because it will bring you at last to the One you love above all things.   

A good book to read in this regard is Father Jean-Pierre de Caussade's Abandonment to Divine Providence.  Don't be afraid: ask God to give you the courage to make the leap.  You will be so glad you did!  +