Peace of Heart

I have been reading this wonderful little book by Fr. Jacques Philippe this week. One of his main points is that true interior peace can only be obtained through complete abandonment to God's Will, by offering Jesus your total trust:

"In order that abandonment might be authentic and engender peace, it must be total. We must put everything, without exception, into the hands of God, not seeking any longer to manage or "to save" ourselves by our own means: not in the material domain, nor the emotional, nor the spiritual. ... all reality that we have not surrendered to God ... will  continue to make us more or less uneasy."

Ever since I found God, I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude, and a desire to give Him something--some kind of gift--in return for what He has given me--which is, basically, life... a life grounded on faith which feels meaningful, not aimless... a life which rests on a deep joy that nothing can take away from me.

Before I became a believer, I was searching continually, and I was well aware of that--looking for something, anything, in which I could lose myself, which would carry me away, which would obsess me... essentially, for something which would distract me from the emptiness I felt, the vague sense of panic that I would never find anything that would fully engage me and make me feel as though life was worth living.  Every year, practically, it was something else that I hoped would do the trick, but nothing ever did... until Him. 

Last night, while praying after reading more of this book, I suddenly realized what gift He wants from me: it is the gift of my complete trust, throwing myself across the abyss into His arms, not looking down... and I have to admit I am scared to death of doing it--and I told Him so!  I am afraid, because up until now, I realize that I have only paid lip service to obedience to God's Will: instead, I have spent my entire time on earth never trusting anyone, and, in my perfectionistic way, always manipulating and managing everything possible in order to ensure a good outcome for me, trying to protect myself from disappointment, suffering, any kind of pain. 

However, I believe that God will not deny us the graces we need, if we ask for them in persevering prayer, and thus I am now asking for this: the grace to have the courage to trust Him totally.  Just knowing--finally--that this is the "missing piece" in my spiritual life has made me feel so much better, and more focused on pleasing Him... and less on pleasing myself!