Remembering a Special Day: November 18, 2015

+JMJ+

As of tonight, it will be exactly three years since I returned to the Church, after an absence of more than 20 years.

If you have read much of this blog, you already know that after I left the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia in 1990, I gradually stopped practicing my Faith, because I blamed God for my mistake in joining an Order that was not a good fit for me. 

Once I retired in September 2015, free from the stress of my career, I had time to think--and I realized that I had finally recovered from that trauma, and was ready to go back.

And, once I started praying again, I quickly learned that it was actually my fault that I chose so badly--not God's--because I had failed to spend sufficient time in discernment (long story there).

If you are Catholic, you know that the route to returning to the practice of Faith involves going to Confession, and so I did that on a stormy night in November.  Hoping to be the only one there because of the bad weather, I was rewarded: the darkened church was empty except for me, the priest, and the sacristan.

I am usually not a very good listener, but that night, the Holy Spirit spoke through the words of Fr. Rafael, as he casually commented while listening to my story, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying religious life again after leaving the Dominicans.  It was a remark that was to come back to haunt me during the months that followed.

For those first few days, however, I walked around in a kind of ecstasy, because God was flooding me with joy as I experienced the incredible relief accompanying the realization that I was back, and no longer tormented with guilt. 

I felt compelled to do something to try to express my gratitude for being received back into the fold, and so I decided to consecrate my life to God, and try to live according to the Evangelical Counsels for the rest of my life--the same promises I had made when I took my Vows as a Dominican.  

I found a formula for a private Consecration on the internet, and customized it --then went before The Blessed Sacrament to offer myself to God for the rest of my life.  To commemorate this, I bought a little silver ring and got Fr. Rafael to bless it, so I would constantly be reminded of my promise.  I have never taken that ring off, except for a few hours during surgery last month. 

It is almost impossible to believe how much my life has changed in only three years.  During 2016, I became active in my parish, and rapidly acquired a host of new friends--after years of being a person who didn't have any friends and didn't want any, I metamorphosed into a person who loved having friends and knew I needed them!

However, by March 2016, I had become consumed with grief, as I gradually recognized that Fr. Rafael was right: that I really had been called to religious life, but that I had "blown it," and that there was no way to rectify the tragic error I had made.  

Then, the miracle occurred, the miracle that had been "in process" ever since that night in the Confessional.  In my despair, God answered me, and in an almost unbelievable way, connected me with the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and I became a Candidate preparing to join their Community!

In December of 2016, in another fit of desperation, I signed up for an online therapy service called TalkSpace, and met a person who would change my life, Joe Paglia.  Over the course of the next 2 years as he worked with me, I was able to overcome the consuming and debilitating rage I had towards my mother, and--because he is such a beautiful soul--Joe gradually took on the role of spiritual director for me, giving me the courage to work toward rearranging my life to make it possible for me to move to Kansas to be with the Sisters.

I am there now!  Living at Manna House of Prayer as a Novice, preparing to make Canonical Vows in October 2019.  If anyone had told me in 2015 that this would happen, I would have told them they were crazy, because it's impossible... and yet, here I am! 

I began this blog because I hoped that people who do not believe that God really exists... that He loves us... that miracles really do happen... and that He will answer prayers--would somehow discover and read my story--and that is still my hope.  May God grant that if you are reading this, you too will come to accept His Love and give your heart to Him.  Believe me when I tell you that true joy will be yours, if you do.  God bless you!  

God's Providence

+ JMJ +

I am marveling tonight at the intricacy of God's plans, and how long they can take to come to fruition... yet, they inevitably do.

This afternoon, my father and I visited a nearby assisted living facility, because I think (and he agrees) that it's time for him and my mother to move to such a place because of the care they now need.

While our host at the center was chatting with us, learning more about my father, his life, his situation, she asked him how he happened to move to Carrollton.

Although they never knew this, their move to Carrollton has for years been a sore subject for me, because they moved here without consulting me, effectively trapping me in a job which I did not intend to keep for more than about 5 years.  I was then in the midst of a conflict with my supervisor (who was eventually fired), and I was planning to move on as soon as I found another suitable position.  Not only that, but I have never liked the culture of the South, and really wanted to return to the North or Midwest.

After they relocated here, it took me years and years to work through my resentment and frustration with being stuck here--and I suppose, to a degree, I never really got over being annoyed that I felt forced to stay, since they moved to this town in order to be closer to me. 

Today's meeting at the assisted living facility brought all those angry feelings back, but as I was musing on this tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that had I not stayed here, the wonderful thing that has happened to me--God's great gift to me, His miracle: another chance to have a consecrated life--would not have happened!

I am on the verge (I think so!) of being able to realize my desire to become a Sister again as a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas.  But, the proximate cause of this incredible development, was Fr. Rafael's "chance" remark in the Confessional 2 1/2 years ago, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominican Order in 1990.  And, again, if I had not been right here--in Carrollton, Georgia--I would not have seen, on that amazing night of March 12, 2016, the text of Sr. Crystal's speech about the Community which she planned to give for National Sisters' Week at the end of Mass that evening, and had left on the pew where she was seated in front of me.  At that time, I did not know her and had never even heard of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas! 

Honestly, I am in a state of shock right now, thinking about the fact that if I had gotten my way, and been able to move, none of what is happening now would have happened!  God planned this for me... He planned it for me--and what I perceived at that time, some 25 years ago, to be an annoying event which kept me from doing what I wanted to do, actually has turned out to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  God willing, I will enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph this coming Fall.  Wow. 

My Miracle House

+JMJ+

At first, you will think it's odd that I am posting about buying a house in my Catholic Journey blog.  I am writing about it, because I believe it is another miracle that God has given me.

 

I can't stand living with my parents anymore: the house is horribly messy and smelly because they have too many bad cats, but my mother doesn't care and refuses to hire anyone to clean.  So, I have been praying that I could find a place to rent that is very close to them, because they are in their 90s, and I need to be able to watch over them.

 

Every place I tried to rent fell through:  they decided to rent to relatives... I was too late... no cats allowed... not all on one floor (arthritic knees!).  

 

A week ago Tuesday (April 4th), I came out of my parents' house to go somewhere, and I saw a man clipping the hedges in front of the house next door.  Things looked a little odd there, so when he stood up, I said, "Did Christopher move out?"  He told me yes, and I immediately said: "Please rent me this house!"  He replied that his wife owns it, and she wants to sell.  They live so far away, he said, they no longer want to deal with owning rental property.  I begged him:  "Do you think she might change her mind?  Please give her my contact information!" --which he reluctantly accepted.

 

That night, as I was praying... and thinking about it... I wondered: "Would it even be possible for me to get a mortgage, since I will not live long enough to pay it off--do banks even do that?"  Thinking I had nothing to lose, I decided to go to my bank the next day (Wednesday) after Mass to ask.   

 

The bank officer was very positive, and soon I was on the phone with their mortgage guy in Marietta.  After some "screening" questions, he said he'd email me a list of the documents I would need to get an application started.  I went home, gathered them, sent them, and in about an hour, I had a pre-qualified letter!   I told him my whole story--he was very kind--turns out, he attends St. Ann's Catholic Church in Marietta!  He also told me that because the house is priced below $150K, I needed to tell them I was interested immediately, because there would be at least 3 or 4 offers the first week it was listed!

 

I looked up the owner's name on the Carroll County Property Tax website, but could not find a phone number for her, so I wrote a short letter, which I mailed the next day.  That was Thursday.  

 

When I got home from Mass on Thursday, there they were in the driveway, leaving: I was in exactly the right place at the right time!  I called out to her:  "I want to buy your house!"  She responded, "Come in and take a look!"  So, they turned around, unlocked the door, and we went in.  

 

I could not believe how beautiful it is:  this was supposed to be their "forever home" for retirement, so they had gutted it and replaced EVERYTHING with the best money could buy.  New wiring, new plumbing, new roof, new windows, new ductwork (!), hardwood floors, remodeled bath and kitchen (including a walk-in pantry), a real fireplace, one of those fancy gourmet gas stoves, a deluxe side-by-side stainless steel refrigerator with the ice and water dispensers in the door, custom lighting, custom countertops... you name it, they did it. 

 

Ten minutes later, we made a deal... and the next day (Friday), I signed a purchase contract.  The house was never actually listed for sale: the only people who knew it was on the market was them, and me. 

 

No one will ever convince me that God did not do this for me. 

 

My Personal Statement for the Acceptance Ceremony on September 17, 2016

On the night of September 17th, I will formally be received as a Candidate for the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas at the end of Mass in my parish, Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Part of the ceremony will include my personal statement about why I feel called to join them.  Although all of this has already been written about in my previous blog posts, I decided to post the text of what I plan to say that night.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for what God has done for me, and I can never thank Him enough for His goodness, mercy and kindness!

================================

MY PERSONAL STATEMENT

I left the Dominican Sisters of Nashville in 1990--just before Final Vows--when I finally accepted that it was not the place God wanted me to be.  However, I was 43 years old, and I believed that I was too old to be admitted to another community. 

I came home very distraught, because I interpreted what had happened as God rejecting me—which I now recognize, of course, is completely crazy, because God never rejects anyone who loves Him!  But, except for the fact that the charism of the Dominican Sisters was wrong for me, I was very happy living in the convent, and although I tried, I could not adjust to being in the world again. I never found a parish where I felt at home, including this one, and gradually, over a period of several years, I drifted away from the Church completely. 

When I came back last November, as I was making my very long Confession to Father Rafael, explaining where I had been for the last 20 years--he commented that despite my age when I left the Dominicans, he thought I was wrong to believe I could not have entered another religious community.  

Although I did not pay attention to his remark at the time, over the next few months, I could not forget it.  Suppose I had been wrong?  And if that was true, then I’d made the worst mistake of my life—all the professional success I had had as a librarian suddenly meant absolutely nothing to me--and even worse than that: it was too late to fix it.

For a while, I tried to force myself to accept this as my Cross, but I simply could not. I began to suffer terribly as I recognized that I had totally screwed up my life by not following the vocation I had been given, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

On the night of March 10^th I was feeling extremely depressed, and in complete despair, I said to God:  “Lord, I am going to ask You for something impossible.  IMPOSSIBLE!  I KNOW!  But I am in so much pain:  if there is any way I could still have a consecrated life—even now—show me, and I will do whatever You want.”  

Don’t ever tell God that something is impossible.

Two nights later—Saturday--I went to Mass as usual.  I sat in about the same place where I always did—but that night, for some unknown reason, about 5 minutes before Mass started, I decided to move up a few rows.  During Mass, when I knelt for the Consecration, I looked down, and on the seat of the pew directly in front of me was a piece of paper:  at the top it said SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA KANSAS.

*Although I didn’t know this at the time, we have a member of the Community here in our parish--Sr. Crystal Payment—and the paper I saw that night was her script for a speech she was supposed to give at the end of Mass, in honor of National Catholic Sisters Week. Father Rafa forgot to call her up to give it--but that didn’t matter, because God arranged for me to be in exactly the right place to see it. 

So, I looked them up on the internet when I got home, and discovered that one of their Vocation Coordinators lives in Cartersville, and I emailed her.  She emailed me back that same night, inviting me to meet her a few days later.  Amazingly, despite my age, she was very encouraging, and suggested that I come to Kansas to visit the Community in June, during their Annual Assembly.

I went, and was welcomed with open arms.  They are remarkably transparent, and I was allowed to attend most of the Community meetings while I was there—so I had the chance to hear the Sisters talk about their own apostolates, and the work of other Sisters in the Community.  I also learned some of their background while I was there:  

The Order was founded in 17^th Century France, and, consistent with their history, they do not wear a habit. While most women religious of that time were confined to convents and monasteries, these Sisters lived and worked among the people they served: the sick and homeless poor, prostitutes who wished to learn a trade, the insane and the orphaned. Their ordinary dress in those early times was the same as local widows, signaling their desire to be in union with those whom they met, without any kind of exclusion.  

From the very beginning, inspired by Jesus’ invitation, their charism has never changed: to love God and to love their neighbor—which is exactly what I am already trying to do…. But I believe that I could be a better follower of Jesus by being united with these good women who are obviously so totally dedicated to Him, and--inspired by their example--to strive for perfection in charity.

So, here I am, Lord!  As I promised on that night in March: if You would grant my impossible request, I said I would do whatever You want, and I truly believe this is it.  And I want it, too:  If they will have me, I want to join the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia Kansas.

I would be very remiss if I failed to thank my many dear friends in this parish who encouraged me and prayed for me--and special gratitude goes to Joyce Barrett, Maureen Peal and Father Rafa who wrote letters of support. 

 

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Now, I ask you all to pray with me for God’s help...

Lord, my God and my loving Father,

You have made me to know You,

to love you, to serve You, and thereby to find and to fulfill my deepest longings.

I know that You are in all things,

and that every path can lead me to You. 

But of them all, there is one especially by which You want me to come to you.

Since I will do what You want of me,

I pray You, send your Holy Spirit to me:

into my mind, to show me what You want of me; into my heart, to give me the determination to do it, and to do it with all my love, with all my mind, and with all of my strength, right to the end.

Jesus, I trust in you.

Amen