My Letter Requesting Permission to Become a Novice

+JMJ+

Well, the "moment of truth" is getting closer... I was told that I should submit a letter sometime in April to ask to be admitted to the Novitiate. Here is the letter I have drafted, but I have asked a few people I trust to read it to make suggestions for improvement. If you have any, I'd love to hear them!

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I am writing to ask permission to enter the Novitiate of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia KS.

In the course of the studies in which I have participated during the past year and a half, I have learned that--without knowing it--I truly believe I already possess the charism of the Sisters of St. Joseph, in that my entire professional life was imbued with the Ignatian ministry of presence. This observation came as quite a surprise to me, as I reviewed my life and noticed how important it was for me--in every encounter with my staff and especially the students with whom I worked--to embody love for them: I was actually consciously aware of my desire to do this every time I stepped out of my office. There was a specific incident I could describe for you, if you ever want to hear it--which occurred during my first week in Library School--that sparked this deep commitment, but I now believe also that this was God’s grace, His gift to me, to have such a strong desire to be the incarnation of love for those I served. Nothing was more important to me, and it was what I stressed continually to my staff: “Yes, I want you to be competent and efficient--but more than anything, love them, each and every person who comes into the Library to seek your assistance.” I think they probably got tired of hearing it, because I talked about it incessantly!

As you know, I was formerly a Dominican Sister with the St. Cecilia Congregation in Nashville TN: I made my First Profession of Vows in August 1987. I had no problems living religious life--in fact, I loved it--however, over the course of the years leading up to Final Vows, I gradually became aware of the fact that I was not able to be fully who I am as a member of that Community. As I had become more spiritually and emotionally mature, I sensed that I was playing a role as I tried to fit into their ethos. I very reluctantly and painfully reached the conclusion that I would not be acting with integrity if I remained among them: my interpretation of this, after much prayer, was that although I was convinced that it was God’s Will for me to be a Sister, it was not His Will for me to be a Nashville Dominican. Therefore, I asked to be released from my Temporary Vows and left of my own free choice in the Spring of 1990.

I was in a state of shock and bewilderment when I got home--and I had no plan for how to continue my life. In retrospect, I realize that I should have sought the counsel of my beloved friend, Fr. Frederick Flaherty, M.S., who had received me into the Church in 1981 and become my trusted spiritual mentor. However, by this time he had been transferred by his Order to a parish in North Carolina, and I was, to be quite honest, ashamed to face him, to disappoint him, after what I viewed as a great failure. I was 43 years old, and convinced that there was no chance any other Community would accept me at that advanced age, and so I decided there was nothing else I could do but resume my previous career as a professional librarian.

The next 25 years were horrible, as I struggled with deep depression. On the surface, I appeared to be fine, and no one except my doctors--who tried every possible medication to mitigate my condition--knew what was really going on with me. I felt terribly hurt, and blamed God for not protecting me from making such a mistake; I felt as though He had rejected me and refused my offer to give my life to Him. I was very bitter, and although I never intended to do so, I gradually drifted away from the practice of my Faith; I was too embarrassed to return to my old parish, and could not find another where I felt at home. I was used to the quiet and austerity of convent life, and I just couldn’t seem to adjust.

Deep down, though, I always knew that I would return to the Church someday, and “someday” arrived after I retired in September 2015, and at last was released from the stress of the heavy responsibilities of my job--and had the time and interior space to reflect on what had happened to me. Very timidly, I tried to pray again, and once I did, God revealed to me very quickly that what I had blamed Him for--the failure of my vocation--was actually my fault, not His. In my passionate desire to give my life to Him, I had never taken time to discern where I really belonged, in fact--once I thought about it--I realized that I had never even asked Him where I should go--I just went! He had not rejected me at all! Once I knew that, I couldn’t wait to come back, and I did so on November 18, 2015.

During my lengthy Confession that night, as I was explaining to Fr. Rafael Carballo where I had been for the last 25 years, he made the offhand remark that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying again to re-enter religious life after I left the Dominicans. I remember telling him that he was wrong, that he did not realize how rigid women’s Orders are, that they don’t want anyone over 35, and I was sure I was correct about that. But his comment stayed in my mind, and over the next few months, as I thought about it, I wondered if he could possibly be right: was it true that I had made a terrible mistake, and that I should have found another Community and fulfilled the vocation Fr. Flaherty and I knew I had?

Increasingly, I began to believe that Fr. Rafael was right, and once I recognized that, I began to suffer terribly. For quite awhile, I tried to convince myself that this was just the Cross I had to bear, and that--after all--I wouldn’t live that much longer anyway. I struggled to accept and endure it, but the pain kept getting worse and worse. Finally, on the night of March 10, 2016, I was alone in my room, and I said to God--practically screamed at Him, actually--”Lord! You know how miserable I am! I am going to ask You for something impossible! IMPOSSIBLE, I know!!!! But if there is any way I could still have a consecrated life--even now--show me, and I will do whatever You want.”

Two nights later, March 12, 2016, I went to the Vigil Mass on Saturday night as I was in the habit of doing. At that time, I always preferred to sit near the back, but on that night, after I had been seated in my usual spot, praying and waiting for Mass to start, I had the sudden impulse, about 5 minutes before Mass, to get up and move up about 5 or 6 rows. I have no idea why I did that, nor had I ever done anything like that before. But during the Consecration, as I was kneeling, I looked down, and on the seat of the pew directly in front of me was a white piece of paper, with the words SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA, KS at the top of the page. It was turned directly toward me: not upside down, not sideways--right in front of me--and although I realized I should not be doing this during the Consecration, I read what was written on the page, which appeared to be a speech about the Congregation. I was stunned, and I thought, “can it be? Is it possible that this is God’s answer to my prayer?”

I made a point of memorizing the name of the Order, and as soon as I got home, I looked it up on the Internet and found your website. As I explored it, I saw the description of the agrégée membership, and I remember thinking, “Wow, I could actually do that!” --because at the time, I believed I could not leave my parents. I also discovered that one of your Vocation Directors was in Georgia--Sr. Dian, of course. I emailed her at once, and I decided to include a link to a blog I have been writing for several years, My Catholic Journey. I wanted her to know my “story,” because I am definitely a reformed sinner, and I thought, “They will have to know this sooner or later, so I might as well be upfront about it right now.”

To my amazement, she emailed me back about an hour later, and asked if I could come to Cartersville the following Wednesday to meet her for lunch, which I did. The minute I met her, I felt an instant rapport. We had a wonderful lunch, and remarkably (to me), despite my age, she was very encouraging, and asked if I could come to visit in June, during the Annual Assembly. At first I said “no,” because I didn’t believe I could leave my parents alone that long, and it had been a long time since I had travelled anywhere. She persisted, however, and I said I would try--and indeed, I did come.

I was smitten by the Sisters, it was love at first sight. What convinced me that this was where I belong, was an event I was allowed to attend, during which the outgoing members of the Leadership Team were being honored. Many Sisters went up to speak in glowing terms about the work of the LT members, and it was obvious to me that they are women deeply devoted to Christ. All I could think--and all I still think--is that “I want to be with people like this! I could become a better follower of Jesus myself, by living with these people.” I have visited several times since, and my subsequent visits only made me more certain.

In addition, I should say this: although my parents are advanced in years, they are in good health and are financially secure. I would prefer that they move into assisted living, but it is their choice to remain in their home with their numerous cats. My brother, who lives in Atlanta, is very well-off, and I am sure that he will see to their future needs, and that they will want for nothing, so I am comfortable leaving them on their own.

Finally: I am convinced that God has given me a second chance to do what I was meant to do, and that He led me directly to you. Therefore I am asking that I be permitted to prepare to become a canonically vowed member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia.