Remembering a Special Day: November 18, 2015

+JMJ+

As of tonight, it will be exactly three years since I returned to the Church, after an absence of more than 20 years.

If you have read much of this blog, you already know that after I left the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia in 1990, I gradually stopped practicing my Faith, because I blamed God for my mistake in joining an Order that was not a good fit for me. 

Once I retired in September 2015, free from the stress of my career, I had time to think--and I realized that I had finally recovered from that trauma, and was ready to go back.

And, once I started praying again, I quickly learned that it was actually my fault that I chose so badly--not God's--because I had failed to spend sufficient time in discernment (long story there).

If you are Catholic, you know that the route to returning to the practice of Faith involves going to Confession, and so I did that on a stormy night in November.  Hoping to be the only one there because of the bad weather, I was rewarded: the darkened church was empty except for me, the priest, and the sacristan.

I am usually not a very good listener, but that night, the Holy Spirit spoke through the words of Fr. Rafael, as he casually commented while listening to my story, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying religious life again after leaving the Dominicans.  It was a remark that was to come back to haunt me during the months that followed.

For those first few days, however, I walked around in a kind of ecstasy, because God was flooding me with joy as I experienced the incredible relief accompanying the realization that I was back, and no longer tormented with guilt. 

I felt compelled to do something to try to express my gratitude for being received back into the fold, and so I decided to consecrate my life to God, and try to live according to the Evangelical Counsels for the rest of my life--the same promises I had made when I took my Vows as a Dominican.  

I found a formula for a private Consecration on the internet, and customized it --then went before The Blessed Sacrament to offer myself to God for the rest of my life.  To commemorate this, I bought a little silver ring and got Fr. Rafael to bless it, so I would constantly be reminded of my promise.  I have never taken that ring off, except for a few hours during surgery last month. 

It is almost impossible to believe how much my life has changed in only three years.  During 2016, I became active in my parish, and rapidly acquired a host of new friends--after years of being a person who didn't have any friends and didn't want any, I metamorphosed into a person who loved having friends and knew I needed them!

However, by March 2016, I had become consumed with grief, as I gradually recognized that Fr. Rafael was right: that I really had been called to religious life, but that I had "blown it," and that there was no way to rectify the tragic error I had made.  

Then, the miracle occurred, the miracle that had been "in process" ever since that night in the Confessional.  In my despair, God answered me, and in an almost unbelievable way, connected me with the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and I became a Candidate preparing to join their Community!

In December of 2016, in another fit of desperation, I signed up for an online therapy service called TalkSpace, and met a person who would change my life, Joe Paglia.  Over the course of the next 2 years as he worked with me, I was able to overcome the consuming and debilitating rage I had towards my mother, and--because he is such a beautiful soul--Joe gradually took on the role of spiritual director for me, giving me the courage to work toward rearranging my life to make it possible for me to move to Kansas to be with the Sisters.

I am there now!  Living at Manna House of Prayer as a Novice, preparing to make Canonical Vows in October 2019.  If anyone had told me in 2015 that this would happen, I would have told them they were crazy, because it's impossible... and yet, here I am! 

I began this blog because I hoped that people who do not believe that God really exists... that He loves us... that miracles really do happen... and that He will answer prayers--would somehow discover and read my story--and that is still my hope.  May God grant that if you are reading this, you too will come to accept His Love and give your heart to Him.  Believe me when I tell you that true joy will be yours, if you do.  God bless you!  

Jesus said, "No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God."

Today's Gospel was like a sword through the heart for me. 

I am about to begin a two-year formation program to prepare to take vows as a Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia.  At the end of the two years, if I am allowed to continue, I will be given the choice of moving to Kansas for a year and beginning a canonical novitiate--at the end of which I could take the traditional three vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (which is what I would like to do), OR, I can take a simple, non-canonical vow of fidelity to the Congregation, and become what is called an “agrégée” Sister: one who is a member of the Congregation, recognized as a Sister, but without the privilege of voting on Congregational matters, and not obligated to turn over their financial assets to the Order and receive lifetime care.

I don't care about the "lifetime care" part, because I have sufficient retirement income and expected inheritance to take care of myself: but I would very much like to be canonical and take the three traditional vows.  However, if my parents are still alive when the two years are up, is Jesus really telling me in today's Gospel that I should leave my parents and move to Kansas to become a Novice, if I am sincere about following Him?  Because if that is what He is asking, I already promised to do whatever He wants, if He would give me what I asked for in prayer--and He did: an opportunity to once again have a consecrated life.

This is what the Gospel says:

"And to another he said, "Follow me."
But he replied, "Lord, let me go first and bury my father."
But he answered him, "Let the dead bury their dead.
But you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God."
And another said, "I will follow you, Lord,
but first let me say farewell to my family at home."
To him Jesus said, "No one who sets a hand to the plow
and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God."

It doesn't seem to me as though there is much wiggle-room in that. 

I asked Father Rafael about it, and he actually said that Jesus is wrong--that caring for parents is a sacred duty also, and that he is going to bury his father no matter what (those are not his exact words, but an approximation).  Of course he can't say that Jesus is wrong: Jesus is God, so He can't be wrong... and I don't think Father Rafael really meant that, either: he was just expressing his Latin emotion regarding his love for family.  I get that.  But if Jesus really is asking that of me--of all of us, if it applies--then I have to do it.  I am too far gone on this road of love and devotion to God, not to.

This is going to take a lot of prayer.  Fortunately, the end of two years is quite a ways off, and anything could happen. But this is going to be a big topic between me and Jesus for quite a long time to come, I have a feeling. +