My Acceptance Ceremony for the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia

+JMJ+

Today is the day of the ceremony in my parish for my official acceptance into candidacy for the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.  For months, I have been thinking about and longing for this day to come.  I wanted--and expected--it to be a day of calm, joy, and prayer, but it has turned out to be anything but, due to an unexpected requirement that I have a reception for the parish after the ceremony. There is no one to make that happen except me, so it has meant rushing around, buying things, lugging them into the church, and endless fretting about what to get, how much to get, and how to find the time and energy to get it all done on time.

Anyone who knows me well realizes how much I hate being responsible for "events." That was part of my job for the last 30 years or so, and I never got used to it:  it stresses me out terribly, and fills me with dread.  So, instead of my special day being wonderful, as I hoped it would be, I am tense, tired and wishing it were over already.

I have been feeling very resentful and angry for days, that I was forced into doing this--and I have hated feeling that way, not able to accept that my beautiful day has been ruined.  What I forgot to do, though, was to turn to God for help!

Finally, I remembered to do that--and just now, as I was praying, He made me understand that He is giving me a day of suffering today--instead of the joy I expected--in order to remind me that I am choosing a life of sacrifice today, not glory. And suddenly, everything makes sense.

Dear Jesus, my Love, my Lord!  I adore You, and I want to give You everything!  I willingly give You whatever I have--pitiful offering though it is--because I love You above all things, and all I want is to serve You for the rest of my life.  Thank You for giving me the incredible gift of a vocation to consecrated life, and giving me a second chance to fulfill it, after I failed to do it the first time: You are my Love and my joy--You are everything to me. I belong to You totally, and want nothing else, nothing less, than You! Have mercy on me, Lord, and help me to live my new life faithfully. +

Jesus said, "No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God."

Today's Gospel was like a sword through the heart for me. 

I am about to begin a two-year formation program to prepare to take vows as a Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia.  At the end of the two years, if I am allowed to continue, I will be given the choice of moving to Kansas for a year and beginning a canonical novitiate--at the end of which I could take the traditional three vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (which is what I would like to do), OR, I can take a simple, non-canonical vow of fidelity to the Congregation, and become what is called an “agrégée” Sister: one who is a member of the Congregation, recognized as a Sister, but without the privilege of voting on Congregational matters, and not obligated to turn over their financial assets to the Order and receive lifetime care.

I don't care about the "lifetime care" part, because I have sufficient retirement income and expected inheritance to take care of myself: but I would very much like to be canonical and take the three traditional vows.  However, if my parents are still alive when the two years are up, is Jesus really telling me in today's Gospel that I should leave my parents and move to Kansas to become a Novice, if I am sincere about following Him?  Because if that is what He is asking, I already promised to do whatever He wants, if He would give me what I asked for in prayer--and He did: an opportunity to once again have a consecrated life.

This is what the Gospel says:

"And to another he said, "Follow me."
But he replied, "Lord, let me go first and bury my father."
But he answered him, "Let the dead bury their dead.
But you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God."
And another said, "I will follow you, Lord,
but first let me say farewell to my family at home."
To him Jesus said, "No one who sets a hand to the plow
and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God."

It doesn't seem to me as though there is much wiggle-room in that. 

I asked Father Rafael about it, and he actually said that Jesus is wrong--that caring for parents is a sacred duty also, and that he is going to bury his father no matter what (those are not his exact words, but an approximation).  Of course he can't say that Jesus is wrong: Jesus is God, so He can't be wrong... and I don't think Father Rafael really meant that, either: he was just expressing his Latin emotion regarding his love for family.  I get that.  But if Jesus really is asking that of me--of all of us, if it applies--then I have to do it.  I am too far gone on this road of love and devotion to God, not to.

This is going to take a lot of prayer.  Fortunately, the end of two years is quite a ways off, and anything could happen. But this is going to be a big topic between me and Jesus for quite a long time to come, I have a feeling. +

A Miracle Unfolding in My Life

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+JMJ+

This is almost more than I can take in.

Knowing it was impossible, I nevertheless asked God to do the impossible for me--if it was His will--and He has done it.  I will never doubt again, or hesitate to ask Him for anything I feel is worthy, no matter how much it seems as though it could not ever happen.

I came back to the Church on November 19th, which was an incredible joy:  however, I knew that I was going to have to bear the secret sorrow of knowing that I was meant to live a life consecrated to Him, but that it is simply too late and nothing could be done about that. It is entirely my fault that I am not living in a religious community right now, and I would have to accept the consequences and carry this Cross until death. I took a little comfort in knowing that my life would not go on that much longer--I will be 69 next week--and that the important thing is that I love and adore Him, and I am following Him to the best of my ability under my present circumstances.

Nevertheless, as I wrote the other day, the pain was so great, I finally could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed.  After making this prayer for 2 nights, on the 3rd day while I was at Mass, when I knelt for the Consecration, I looked down and there was a piece of paper on the pew right in front of me which said SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA KS at the top of it. Since I learned about the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on Saturday night, I have spent many hours praying about it, and I am simply unable to believe that this is not His answer to me:  it was too much to be mere coincidence.

I have now met with one of their Vocation Directors, and she strongly encouraged me to consider joining their Community.  I felt completely comfortable with her, and she with me: I think I could be my true and honest self living among them--which was definitely not the case when I was with the Nashville Dominicans.  At that time, I was aware that I was remaking myself in order to fit in, and it took me nearly six years to accept that this was not right, not what God would want. 

One of the things that I have come to appreciate so much in my relationship with Jesus, is that I do not have to pretend with Him at all.  No self-censoring, no worries about how He might react to what I need to say to Him, no wondering if He is tired of me telling Him how much I love Him, no fear that if he really knew me He would reject me:  because he DOES know me--totally--and He loves me anyway!  Sister Dian talked to me today about the analogy to this in religious life, and she is so right:  this is the essence of what God wants for you in consecrated life as well:  for you to be able to live your life fully, as your deepest and truest self--because it's impossible to be afraid and happy all at the same time--those two emotions are simply not compatible.

I now know what the path forward would be, in order to become a member of their Congregation.  I am going to follow it, hoping that when I meet the leaders of the community in Kansas in June, that they will be willing to accept me for candidacy and I can begin preparing to make the vow of fidelity to that Congregation as an agrégée Sister*.  If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.  +

*http://www.csjkansas.org/about/vowed-members/

An Answer to My Prayer?

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+JMJ+

OK, this is kind of interesting.  

I have continued to feel as though I was called to religious life, despite the fact that I blew my vocation 25 years ago and was afraid to try again.  Still, I cannot shake the conviction that God wanted me to belong to Him exclusively, so lately I have been praying about this, asking Him to please show me what He wants me to do with my life, and promising that I will do whatever He wants... THIS time!  I could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed. 

At Mass tonight, while I was kneeling for the Consecration, I noticed a piece of paper on the pew in front of me, facing toward me so that it was completely easy to read.  It was introducing a woman, apparently a member of my own parish, who is a member of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.  

I was recently talking to a friend in my prayer group about the importance of paying attention to the little signs that God gives us, which are easy to overlook--and having said that to her, it reminded me to be that sensitive as well.  So, I could not help but wonder if by any chance this might be God's answer to my prayers about my life.

I looked up the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on the web when I got home, and discovered that they have a very unusual (or at least I've never heard of it) category of consecrated member, called an “agrégée sister."  They say this about it on their site:  

                 
In reaching back to our roots in 17th century France, the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia discovered — and revitalized — a second form of religious life for women known as “agrégée.”  ....  Based on research into the original constitution and rules for the congregation, written by founder and Jesuit priest Jean-Pierre Medaille, the sisters now recognize that in addition to canonical members of the order, there were also “agrégée sisters,” from a French word meaning “attached to” or “aggregated with.”  An agrégée — pronounced ah-gre-ZHEY — did not make vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, but she lived according to the rules of the Sisters of St. Joseph through a vow of stability, and was recognized by the local people and the local churches as a Sister of St. Joseph.
In the past decades, the modern Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia studied our origins and our original spirituality, and have revived that early practice based on what we learned. The Senate of the Concordia congregation approved agrégée membership in 2006.... Agrégée sisters profess a vow of fidelity to the congregation, but it is noncanonical, meaning that it is not governed by Church law and is instead a private vow between that sister and the Concordia congregation and is governed by policies. It also means that the agrégée does not relinquish her finances to the congregation, and the congregation assumes no financial responsibility for her. Agrégées do not leave behind their outside lives. Instead, they meet with mentors and study around their regular work and life schedules. Once they have professed their vow, they continue in their work and life schedule and participate in the ordinary gatherings and committee work of the community.

This is nothing like what I had in mind when I thought about resuming some kind of consecrated life, but on the other hand, I can see how it might be the perfect answer, since I am financially stable and independent, but not free to leave the care of my parents and the cats.  Plus, if it is God's will for me, I have promised to obey Him this time.

All I know at this point is that I need, deeply need, to give my life to Him completely.

I emailed their Vocation Director, giving her a link to the story of my conversion:  there was no point in concealing any of my past life, since I would eventually have to tell them the entire truth anyway.  To my surprise, she read it and emailed me back very quickly, asking me to call her tomorrow, so I am going to do it.  I have no idea what this might mean, if anything.  But Your will be done, Oh Lord--that is all I want. +