I haven't written anything here in awhile, and I realize now that it is because I have been neglecting my prayer life for quite some time. I didn't do that deliberately, but I have been so preoccupied with keeping things going on a daily basis since my father broke his hip and went into rehab, that I stopped making time with God a priority as I had in the past--and just when I needed it most.
Recently, while talking with Fr. Mario, I finally understood that although I had been saying that I accepted that this life I have is God's will for me--and that I must patiently endure it--I had actually NOT accepted it at all; instead, I have been fighting God constantly, with a heart secretly full of resentment and anger. Anger mainly directed at my parents, I am very ashamed to admit--since it is not their fault! I truly do believe that God does not make mistakes, and that He has me here for a reason--a reason not at all clear to me, but that doesn't matter, because I know He is doing what is best for me, what will ultimately bring me closer to Him--and that is what I want, too.
I am also ashamed to admit that my current life is a source of great suffering for me, simply because I have such a strong will and basically, want to be in control of my life: I want what I want--and I wanted God to go along with me. So, I have been doing it all wrong for a long time, and I am resolved to stop refusing the suffering that comes with this. I am determined to be calm and patient, knowing that He will release me when He has accomplished in my soul what He wishes to do. It may be sooner, or it may be later, I have no idea, but I have to wait on Him. This acceptance has brought me to a new level of calm and happiness.
Recognizing that I had not been spending much time with God in prayer either, I decided to pray for at least an hour today, and a revelation came with that. He told me that I need to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard--that what He wants is just to be with me, and have me be with Him. What He wants, is the most valuable thing I have--the only thing I have worth giving to Him--my time. If I give Him the time He wants, He can and will heal me from the wounds which I have deeply buried in my consciousness, one of which was revealed to me today while I prayed. That is, I am psychologically primed to expect rejection.
I have not experienced much love in my life, and so, without admitting it, I had convinced myself that I did not need love--simply because I could not bear any more rejection. My assumption, when I left the Dominicans, was that--even though I loved Him with my whole heart and wanted only to give my life to Him--that God Himself had rejected me! --and so I endured more than 20 years of terrible pain and separation from Him until I finally found my way back to the Church on November 18, 2015.
When Fr. Rafa hugged me at the end of Confession that night, to welcome me back, it was the first time I had allowed anyone to touch me for more than 25 years. But it felt wonderful--I had forgotten what it was like to be embraced! Having opened myself to love again, I have found it. Fr. Rafa taught me to relate directly to Jesus in my prayer, instead of the more impersonal "God," and that transformed my prayer life in an incredible way. Also, I have made beautiful friends from among the members of Our Lady of Perpetual Help, friends who support me both spiritually and emotionally. It is the same when I visit the Sisters of St. Joseph in Concordia: I feel totally loved and accepted. Fr. Mario is also an exceptionally kind and loving person, and I am so grateful that God sent him to OLPH! I feel as though I am finally becoming well again. +