The Virtue of Humility

+JMJ+

With the help of my spiritual director, I am concentrating on trying to develop the virtue of humility--and having set that as my goal, I am finding that God is giving me plenty of chances to grow in this virtue!

 

Until I became a Catholic, I considered humility to be a weakness: I viewed my arrogance as attractive self-confidence, a positive trait that had no need of modification.  I went through life scattering people's feelings, with only pity for those poor, weak people, who could not stand up to my strength!

 

Wow, have I learned a lot since then.    

 

I am dealing with a particularly difficult situation right now.  Our pastor decided to change the locks on the parish building where an organization I head meets regularly at night--but he did not tell me or anyone else about this in advance, so I discovered it only when my key no longer worked.  I was deeply hurt, because I had treasured the privilege of 24/7 access, which I needed because the office is only open 4 days a week, and there are resources in that building that I need to get to at odd days and times.  However, even though he handled this clumsily due to lack of experience (this is his first pastorate), he certainly had the right to do this.  

 

Soon after this change was made, I came there to set up for one of our evening meetings, which involved a potluck meal--and contrary to what had been promised, the building was locked, and I was unable to locate him or anyone else who could let me in.  Finally one of the Deacons came and I got in... and then Father appeared--but I foolishly let loose my temper on him, with the bad effect you might expect.

 

Now, he is so angry because of my rudeness, that he is refusing to speak to me and give me an opportunity to apologize.  At first, I tried to justify my behavior because of what he did-- but with the help of my spiritual director and my own reflection, I now see this incident for what it is:  another example of my pride getting in the way of reason.  If I had held my tongue that night, we could have had a rational conversation later, during which I could have explained my side and possibly even persuaded him to make an exception and let me have a new key.  Instead, my pride destroyed that possibility and also seriously damaged the good relationship I had with him.  

 

In an article I recently read about good mental health, one of the characteristics described is "Response Flexibility—the ability to pause before acting on my impulses and willfully change the direction of my actions if doing so suits me better than my initial impulses."  Clearly, I am lacking in that area, and I hope that--having had this horrible experience, I will remember this next time!

 

 

 

Suffering: Accepting the Cross You Have Been Given

+JMJ+

I have been having terrible problems for quite awhile in getting along with my elderly parents.  I have lived with and cared for them for 4 1/2 years, but the major anger problem I now have is quite new.

Although I pray constantly for relief, asking for my heart to change--confess the same lack of charity over and over again--I only improve for a short time and then I fall into sin again. It is frustrating, humiliating, and depressing:  I had a much better opinion of my virtue, but clearly, I was wrong, and I hate it.

Tonight after Confession, Father gave me this penance: to pray before the tabernacle and tell Jesus about all my struggles.  I did what he assigned me to do, and I received this insight:  I am suffering...yes, it is emotional suffering, not physical--but real suffering nonetheless; having to face the truth, that I am not the good person that I thought I was, is very hard to take.  Moreover, what I have been doing is refusing this suffering--asking Him to let this cup pass from me.  I have been asking God to take the suffering away--to make me better, not so that I will be more kind to my parents, but so that I will not have endure all this shame and frustration at my inability to change! Pride, pride, pride! What I should be doing is what Jesus did. "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done."


This is apparently the suffering that He has sent me, probably something that I need, and what He has ordained for me to endure. So what I should be doing --and am now resolved to do---is to embrace it, to accept it in union with His suffering on the Cross, until such time as He chooses to release me from the grip of this ugliness within me.

The Sin of Pride, In One of Its Many Disguises

                                                           
                                                               +JMJ+

I was feeling very depressed recently, because I am aware that someone whom I love and greatly admire does not like me.  Frankly, that is something I am not used to, because most people DO like me, I am happy to say.

So, as usual, I took it to Jesus in prayer, looking for some consolation, but that is definitely not what I got!  Instead, He allowed me to see that my need for the approval of others is actually a manifestation of vanity, one of Pride's many insidious variations.  Obsessing about this was just distracting me from living for and in Him;  the only person whose judgment I need to be concerned about is His, no one else's.  Furthermore, I will never achieve the virtue of humility until I can detach myself from caring about what others think of me.

Although this was hardly welcome information, I recognized that if I truly mean what I say--that I aspire to live a life of holiness for love of Jesus--it is something I needed to know, so I thanked Him anyway.

Actually, it feels quite liberating to (at least) stop caring about what that person thinks of me--and I believe I have, because I am much more peaceful at heart now.  Let's see if I can keep it up.

I did a little Googling and discovered there is a prayer for this, The Litany of Humility, written by Cardinal Merry del Val.  I will be reciting it often, and trying to really mean it as I say it!   +