My Fast Day

+JMJ+

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I am surprised by how much I have come to look forward to my Friday day of fasting and prayer.  To be completely honest, when I first started it (January 1, 2016), it seemed a bit stressful and at times uncomfortable-- and I kind of dreaded it and wondered whether I had made a mistake in committing myself to this practice.  Now--and I have to think this is a grace from God--I actually love it.  

I begin the day by getting up and going to Mass in the morning, which feels like the perfect way to mark this special day.  I don't even mind getting up early for that anymore, either!  Afterwards, I can stay in the church as long as I want to pray, before going home and beginning my day's activities, which I try to keep light so that I have plenty of time for spiritual reading and more prayer. 

It is a day of complete simplicity and calm, a respite from the busyness of the rest of the week.  How glad I am now, that the Lord inspired me to do this!  I recommend it to you all.  +

How Sin Hurts Jesus

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+JMJ+

I have no idea if this is theologically sound*, but today in prayer, Jesus allowed me to experience in a very deep and personal way, how my uncharitable acts deepen His wounds even more.

This was something I knew on an intellectual basis--and so of course, I am always sorry for my sins--but after what happened to me today, I feel a sense of sorrow and remorse for my failures unlike anything I've ever experienced.  Each one of my sins, quite literally, make His wounds more painful and make Him suffer more.

This awareness makes me want to avoid all sin as I never have before: since I love Him so much, I cannot bear the thought of hurting Him!

The Catechism says this:  "Since our sins made the Lord Christ suffer the torment of the cross, those who plunge themselves into disorders and crimes crucify the Son of God anew in their hearts (for he is in them) and hold him up to contempt. And it can be seen that our crime in this case is greater in us than in the Jews. As for them, according to the witness of the apostle, “None of the rulers of this age understood this; for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.” We, however, profess to know him. And when we deny him by our deeds, we in some way seem to lay violent hands on him. Nor did demons crucify him; it is you who have crucified him and crucify him still, when you delight in your vices and sins. (CCC 598, quoting St. Francis of Assisi, Admonitio 5.3)"
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My Contemplative LIfe

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+JMJ+

I was thinking today about how incredibly blessed I am to be able to have such a contemplative life.  It's so simple, calm and beautiful, and I love it very much.

Even though I live with my parents in order to take care of them, they do not yet require a lot of hands-on tending, and when I close the door of my room, I can hardly hear anything that goes on in the rest of the house.  I am free to do as much spiritual reading as I wish, and I have my beloved books right here in my room.  I also have all my St. Louis Jesuits CDs which I can listen to whenever I want--they are always inspirational and touch my heart.

Since I am retired, I do not have to go out much (although I do some charitable work also), so I can stay recollected all day, and pray throughout the day.  Jesus is always with me, the minute I seek Him.  Sometimes, He seeks me, and gently pulls me away from something I am doing in order that I may come to Him.  

I reflect a lot on all the incredible and wonderful things God has done for me throughout my life, and the profound mercy and forgiveness I have received, so completely undeserved!  I spend a lot of time just thanking Him, and weeping from the joy of realizing His immense Love for me, also not deserved! 

For reasons I cannot possibly understand, He found me for His Church, and chose me to belong exclusively to Him, no one else.  I have known that for a very long time, and did enter religious life twice, although in my immaturity, I did not trust Him to lead me to the right place.  I was so eager to give Him everything, I just leaped, and did not make wise choices--so I am not in a religious community today, even though I know I belong in one.  As I wrote recently, though, He may be giving me another chance to have the consecrated life He willed for me and for which I long. 

When I go to bed at night, I first turn on the battery-operated votive light under my crucifix (safe to leave on all night!), and get settled in bed.  Then I make the Sign of the Cross and tell Him how much I love and adore Him, and how much I want Him to live in me, and I to live in Him. Then I just relax into His Love flowing through me. If I feel like it, I tell Him anything I want to say about my fears, hopes, aspirations--even though He knows them already.  I can confide my deepest truths to Him, because He loves me no matter what and I know He always will.  

Jesus is my whole life now--it is like being in Heaven already--although I do long to see Him face-to-face and embrace Him!

I am painfully aware that very few people outside monasteries have the luxury of such a life.  I pray that everyone might have it at some point in their lives, because it is a very precious gift to be able to spend so much time with the Lord. +

Anointing of the Sick

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+JMJ+

By being in the right place at the right time today, I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.  

At this morning's Mass, Father Rafael officially received for our parish the Holy Oils that were blessed at the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral yesterday.  A friend told me afterward that it is his custom on this day to offer to anoint anyone present who is either sick or qualifies for anointing because they are elderly--which means anyone 65 and older, which I am.  I considered not going up because I am not sick, but then I thought, "why pass up an opportunity to receive the graces of a Sacrament which you may need--because you could be sick and not even know it yet!"

Happily, about a dozen people went forward so I was far from alone.  It was extremely moving.  He had us line up in front of the altar, and then he placed his hands on our heads first, going down the whole line.  Then, he went down the line again, anointing us with the Oil of the Sick on our foreheads and hands, accompanied by this prayer:  "Through this holy anointing may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit. May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up." 

Since I have never received this Sacrament, I did not know about the hands (I had my hands folded and my eyes closed), so he had to push my hands apart to do it, which was slightly embarrassing, but not too much.  Frankly, thinking about all of it now makes me tear up, because it was so very beautiful.

I wanted to stay in the church longer afterward, but workmen were noisily tightening screws on the kneelers, so I gave up and left... but when I got to the car, I carefully wiped off the Holy Oil from my hands and forehead with a Kleenex, and then folded it up with the oil residue inside.  I am keeping it, and it is now on the little shelf under my crucifix.  

Dear Lord, what a lovely blessing you have given me today! +

http://www.usccb.org/about/justice-peace-and-human-development/upload/Anointing-of-the-Sick-handout.pdf

Is Not Recycling a Sin?

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+JMJ+

A couple of times this week, I put an item in the trash when I could have recycled it.  I did not think about it at the time, but tonight for some reason, I did.... and I have concluded that not recycling when you can, has to be a sin.  Not a huge sin, but a sin, nonetheless.

The reason why, I think, is because any time you do not do what you know is the right thing--because you are too lazy--cannot possibly be pleasing to God.  He knows about and cares about everything that happens on Earth;  it is His creation, and because it is His creation--if we love Him--we must love the Earth too. 

Actually, anything you do deliberately that is objectively not good, has to be sinful, because you are falling short of the perfection to which those who love God aspire.

When I go to Confession tomorrow, I hope Father Rafael does not laugh at me when I confess that I did not recycle :-)

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Living With Jesus

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+JMJ+

Living with Jesus has opened up life to me in a way I never imagined.  First, there is the pure joy of loving Him, which, once you discover Him, you will do, because you cannot help it.  His tenderness and love make you love Him: being loved the way He loves you is irresistible, because you have never before experienced anything like it. Total acceptance.  Total forgiveness, no matter what you have done or will do. Total freedom to really be yourself at last. 

Then, there is the newly-found"wideness" of the world.  You used to think that there was nothing but what you could touch, see, hear or feel--but you were wrong.  There is another dimension that is indescribable, and yet palpable, once you have opened yourself up to Him.  Jesus is really there, right there, with you, and you will know it once you start learning to pay attention to what is beyond your senses... and yet, what nevertheless can be sensed in some way you can't explain. 

After a time being with Him and knowing Him--if you decide you really want to give Him everything you have and to devote your life to Him--there comes the profound joy of doing what you know He wants you to do, which is simply loving, loving, loving others to the maximum degree possible... because in loving them, you are loving Him--and you adore Him so much, that is what you want to do, because it brings you so much joy!  You are not doing it because you have to, or because you hope to get a reward either on earth or in eternity... no, you do it simply because you love Him so much, you don't care anymore about any other reward than the joy of returning His love by loving your neighbor.  When He prompts you in your heart to be generous or kind, but you think you are too tired or too busy to do what He asks, nevertheless you trust Him and do it anyway-- and the joy you get makes you forget you were ever tired or busy, and you find yourself thanking Him for asking you, because loving as He loves makes you feel wonderful!

Every day of your life now is a new adventure, because you have no idea what He will ask of you today, but you know you will learn and grow from it, and it is thrilling to see and feel your heart expanding to encompass even more love, filling you with an almost unbearable ecstasy.  You will even find joy in the things that are hard or unpleasant or painful, because you know they have meaning beyond this world, because He shares all of them with you:  He is right there bearing them with you, and He understands exactly how you feel as no one else can.    

There is a sense of sublime peace in your heart because you know you are part of something huge and eternal that goes far beyond the universe you know, and this new plane of existence on which you live will never end, even when you die--it will just get better because at last you will fully understand your place in all of it, all that is beyond human history and beyond human understanding.  It is a longing we all have whether we admit it or not, which cannot be fulfilled any other way than by living in Jesus, giving yourself totally to Him--all that you are and all that you have. 

Once you have tried living this way, I promise you that you will never go back to being the way you were.  +

A Miracle Unfolding in My Life

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+JMJ+

This is almost more than I can take in.

Knowing it was impossible, I nevertheless asked God to do the impossible for me--if it was His will--and He has done it.  I will never doubt again, or hesitate to ask Him for anything I feel is worthy, no matter how much it seems as though it could not ever happen.

I came back to the Church on November 19th, which was an incredible joy:  however, I knew that I was going to have to bear the secret sorrow of knowing that I was meant to live a life consecrated to Him, but that it is simply too late and nothing could be done about that. It is entirely my fault that I am not living in a religious community right now, and I would have to accept the consequences and carry this Cross until death. I took a little comfort in knowing that my life would not go on that much longer--I will be 69 next week--and that the important thing is that I love and adore Him, and I am following Him to the best of my ability under my present circumstances.

Nevertheless, as I wrote the other day, the pain was so great, I finally could not resist asking that if there was any way I could live a consecrated life even now, would He please show me--and that I would do whatever He willed.  After making this prayer for 2 nights, on the 3rd day while I was at Mass, when I knelt for the Consecration, I looked down and there was a piece of paper on the pew right in front of me which said SISTERS OF ST. JOSEPH OF CONCORDIA KS at the top of it. Since I learned about the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia on Saturday night, I have spent many hours praying about it, and I am simply unable to believe that this is not His answer to me:  it was too much to be mere coincidence.

I have now met with one of their Vocation Directors, and she strongly encouraged me to consider joining their Community.  I felt completely comfortable with her, and she with me: I think I could be my true and honest self living among them--which was definitely not the case when I was with the Nashville Dominicans.  At that time, I was aware that I was remaking myself in order to fit in, and it took me nearly six years to accept that this was not right, not what God would want. 

One of the things that I have come to appreciate so much in my relationship with Jesus, is that I do not have to pretend with Him at all.  No self-censoring, no worries about how He might react to what I need to say to Him, no wondering if He is tired of me telling Him how much I love Him, no fear that if he really knew me He would reject me:  because he DOES know me--totally--and He loves me anyway!  Sister Dian talked to me today about the analogy to this in religious life, and she is so right:  this is the essence of what God wants for you in consecrated life as well:  for you to be able to live your life fully, as your deepest and truest self--because it's impossible to be afraid and happy all at the same time--those two emotions are simply not compatible.

I now know what the path forward would be, in order to become a member of their Congregation.  I am going to follow it, hoping that when I meet the leaders of the community in Kansas in June, that they will be willing to accept me for candidacy and I can begin preparing to make the vow of fidelity to that Congregation as an agrégée Sister*.  If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.  +

*http://www.csjkansas.org/about/vowed-members/