What is wrong with our world?

JMJ+

There is a terrible malaise in our country and I blame it on the decline of faith, I really do. If a person is not grounded in God, the world is such a bleak place, and I know that from experience.  Nothing, absolutely nothing seems meaningful, and you will do anything to escape from that boredom and pain.  I think the Devil is in possession of this world, and ever since the Fall, he always has been.  Jesus came to show that to us, and to give us the choice of something better and different.  As He said, My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Accepting His way means catching glimpses of light when you experience love, which is God's essence--and those moments give you the strength to not give up. 

+JMJ+

I've had a low-grade fever for a couple of days, and was feeling so ill and dizzy this morning, I went back to bed after a cup of coffee, first emailing our retreat director to say I would not be in the Zoom conference today.  Inevitably, I wondered if I had possibly acquired COVID, and I was thinking how ironic it would be if I had it now, while on a retreat focusing on it!   

As I was lying in bed, hurting all over and wishing I could go back to sleep, I wondered if I were dying--do people know when they are?  I am certainly old enough--and, ever the practical one, I realized that I haven't yet made a will, and so I pictured myself writing something on a sheet of paper with a Magic Marker and taping it up on the wall, telling whoever found me to be sure to send my ashes, my Profession cross, my ring and my pin back to Concordia.  

I thought about how disappointing it would seem to die now, after I have finally gotten everything I wanted and needed in life--but then it occurred to me how appropriate that would be--and rather perfect--to die when you have found complete happiness. 

Because I have been given the gift of having so much trust in God that I don't question what happens anymore, I was not worried or upset about dying: I felt peaceful and confident that whatever might happen today, God was doing exactly what was right for me, and that I have nothing to fear. I did tell Him how sorry I am that I accomplished so little with all that He has given me, but too late now!  Throwing myself on His mercy: what else can I do?

First Day of Retreat

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Didn't have to go out today at all...my new neighborhood is so quiet and peaceful... I love when the Baptist church next door plays hymns on their carillon at noon and 6:00pm...a woman next door, whom I could only hear, but not see through the trees between our yards, called out in a warm Southern accent-- pretty sure she is Black--to greet me and welcome me to the neighborhood as I took my trash container to the curb for the morning pickup.. and the couple across the street brought me the 2 cats I agreed to adopt, who were orphaned when their owner died unexpectedly... As I sat here in my kitchen, finishing the simple supper I'd prepared, the thought came to me "For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be completely content." 

Back in the world again

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During the time I was in formation to become a Sister, I was asked to make this blog private.  Now that I am professed and feel a bit more free, I am opening it up again to the world at large, because the thoughts I post here are ones which I wish to share.  I know there are many people out there searching for meaning in their lives, because I once was one of them.  I found it when I found God--or when He found me--not sure which is correct.  So, the story continues.

Damaged

+JMJ+

The book I just finished today, The Critical Journey: Stages of Faith, triggered something, an insight into myself which God completed for me in my prayer tonight.

I can now see the degree to which I bring upon myself some of the mistreatment I have been experiencing from Sr. MaryJo and Sr. Jean Ann:  simply put, I am a person who cringes, and such lack of self-confidence is not attractive.  

Because of the way I was brought up--to fear my mother, never allowed to argue with her about anything--I can't stand up to anyone. I apologize too much, and thus I bring out the worst in people who are inclined to be bullies, as both of them are.  I can easily see it in them, because I am inclined to be a bully myself, so I recognize it in others.  

My mother, in her autocratic arrogance, damaged me even more than I ever realized. 

I don't know how to deal with the residual anger I know I still have toward her.  I don't want to hate her, and I don't really think I do--but I do wish I could hurt her back, in revenge for the ways in which she hurt me.  That is definitely not Christ-like, and I don't want to feel that way!

If she ever apologized, I could easily forgive her, but because she cannot apologize--and doesn't even realize what she did to me and my brother, and to my father as well--I haven't been able to forgive her, even though I know I must.  Not sure what to do about this, except pray for the grace. 

On Being Gay and Catholic

+JMJ+

I have great empathy for gay people.  This began when, after my bitter divorce in 1977, I decided that I no longer wanted to be in the company of men, and so decided to act on my long-held theory that one could choose one's sexuality.  I started an affair with a lesbian who worked for me in the library, and spent the next six years trying to convince myself that I could be gay if I chose to be.  

Through my lover, I was introduced to a fascinating and largely invisible, "underworld" I never previously knew about.  By 1982, however, I had reluctantly concluded that I simply was not gay, and no amount of wishing would make it so.  I also became Catholic, and concomitant with that, accepted that I had to live in chastity. Unfortunately, I hurt a really good person very badly, and I will never cease to regret the collateral damage that occurred because of my crazy experiment. 

Then, in 2016, I was matched with a gay therapist through the online platform, TalkSpace.  I had insisted on being assigned to a practicing Catholic, and it never occurred to me that the person might also be gay. I was quite dismayed, due to my then rather rigid adherence to Catholic teaching--but I was so desperate for help with my anger problem, I decided to stay with him.

Over the next year or so of working with Joe, I became progressively more conflicted.  We got to know each other very well, and--because of the bond of our mutual strong Faith and love for the Church--we veered from therapy into spiritual direction very quickly. I saw what a truly holy person he is; in fact, I realized that he is completely dedicated to living for Jesus, and is actually a better Catholic than I am.  Because God put this amazing person into my life, I was finally forced into the uncomfortable position of continuing to adhere to Church teaching, while simultaneously deeply admiring and respecting a Catholic who was living in what the Church considers vile sinfulness. 

Joe's life partner, while not yet Catholic himself, is just like Joe: pure of heart, generous, loving and selfless.  Their relationship is beautiful and holy, a great blessing for which they are both extremely grateful.  They go to Mass together every week, and Joe goes to Confession twice a month. Over time, Joe and I came to truly love each other, becoming soul friends, and I somehow had to learn to accept that despite his domestic life as an actively gay man, Jesus must love him very much, because he has such a beautiful soul and is completely devoted to Him. 

I was separated from the Church the last time (2002) we had the problem of sexual scandal, and so it had not impacted me at all, but when the latest crisis broke, and I observed how conservative Catholics were climbing onto the "getting rid of  the perverted gay priests will solve the problem" bandwagon, I began to reflect even more on the interior conflict I had been avoiding: how could I believe Church teaching on sexual morality, particularly as it pertains to homosexuality, while simultaneously knowing and loving a person who is gay, and who is a far better Christian than I am?  I finally recognized that I could no longer accept the Church's position, that Joe and Matty's loving, committed relationship, is intrinsically disordered and bad--because I know in the depths of my being, that it isn't!  What they have together is good, true, beautiful and life-giving for themselves and all the people who know them. 

And so, I have made a huge mental leap.  We know that God can use anything, even bad things, for good, according to His Plan, and I am beginning to consider whether the inevitable discussion of homosexuality within the Church--which surely can no longer be avoided--may eventually result in changes in doctrine having to do with sexuality and the moral issues related to it.  Is it possible that great good may come out of the apparent evil and chaos we are now experiencing because of the sexual abuse crisis in the Church?

No doubt this will come after we are long gone, because the Church moves cautiously and glacially, as it should. But I am inspired to think that the fact that some people are clearly born gay, and did not choose their sexuality, it was chosen for them by God--must be accepted and accommodated within Catholic teaching. 

I believe that through Christ, God gave us a pathway to participating in His ongoing Creation,  Yes: He actually gave us, mere humans, the dignity and honor of working with Him on the evolution of the world, which we now see is not static, as the Church once assumed it was, but fluid and ever-changing.  Not only that, but we now know so much more about human psychology than we did when the majority of Catholic doctrine was promulgated, and doctrines pertaining to human life must change accordingly.

Vatican II seems to anticipate this possibility in Gaudium et Spes. Read this quote and tell me if you don't agree with me:

"If by the autonomy of earthly affairs we mean that created things and societies themselves enjoy their own laws and values which must be gradually deciphered, put to use, and regulated by men, then it is entirely right to demand that autonomy. Such is not merely required by modern man, but harmonizes also with the will of the Creator. For by the very circumstance of their having been created, all things are endowed with their own stability, truth, goodness, proper laws and order. Man must respect these as he isolates them by the appropriate methods of the individual sciences or arts. Therefore if methodical investigation within every branch of learning is carried out in a genuinely scientific manner and in accord with moral norms, it never truly conflicts with faith, for earthly matters and the concerns of faith derive from the same God …"

I am more and more hopeful that Church precepts which term homosexuality "intrinsically disordered" will ultimately pass away, and be replaced with a holistic doctrine which describes all relationships grounded in love as being good, and ordained by God for the happiness of human beings.

This post will remain on the web long after I am gone from the Earth, and I hope that someday, someone will find it and see that it was prophetic. 

Becoming a Woman of the Church

+JMJ+

God has led me to this moment in time, and the journey has been amazing.  Truly, His ways fill me with awe, reverence and gratitude!

I was just reading Matthew 3:13-17, which describes Jesus's Baptism by John, the act which began His public ministry.  He had to leave His mother--who was probably a widow by then--just as I have left my mother.  We don't know how Mary felt about that: perhaps, being the special person that she was, she understood what He had to do... or perhaps she didn't.. but certainly, as a mother, she was sad to see Him leave.  

My mother wasn't so much sad, as angry, but nevertheless, it was what I had to do, because my next step in life--the point to which God has led me, I believe and I hope--is to take the Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience in the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and become a woman of the Church.  

Doing so, I realized today, will give me a certain "legitimacy" in the eyes of other Catholics; being a Sister is like having a key to the church: it will let me in.  People will more readily accept that it is appropriate and "allowed" for me to minister among them, which is what I believe God has called me to do.  

The thing is, I have received grace upon grace, love immeasurable--and I must share with others the immense Love that I have received from my Beloved.

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12:48)

I won't be able to do much: I am certainly not going to have a big impact on the world, and because I am coming to this so late in life, whatever I do will not last long--but I know I am called to do something in cooperation with God, to bring His Kingdom on earth into being.  May it be so. 

Crosses

+JMJ+

I found myself wondering today, could something as simple and ordinary as cheerfully enduring boredom, actually be a sacrifice pleasing to God?

It makes sense to me that God will not ask more of us than He knows we are capable of giving--He knows what is possible and impossible for us, and so I think that if He asks it, we must be able to do it, even if we feel we can't!

I am inspired by stories of Christian martyrs, but I have so much fear of torture, I always hope I will never be tortured because I refuse to deny Christ--but I am occasionally tormented--and it feels like real suffering--by boredom when I am talking to people who are truly dull, and believe me, I am ashamed to admit this.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. 

But, is it possible that that is one of the sacrifices He asks of ME: to lovingly and patiently endure boredom for love of Him? 

I know this is a sacrifice my mother is not willing to make: she is so selfish,  that even though she is bored and discontented with her life in assisted living, she refuses to bother with the residents at The Oaks because they are not as smart as she is—she actually told me this the last time I visited her.  I thought that was very cold and heartless, because many of them are lonely and would love it if she would visit with them.

If I were she, I would take it upon myself to go around to peoples' rooms and chat with them, unless it seemed like they didn't want to--just on the grounds that the majority would probably welcome it.  At least I would try.  I would view it as a ministry.

However, I realize in advance that in some cases, what they would say would not be that interesting--but I'd do it anyway, purely out of love for God, in Whose image they were created.

Anyway, just wondering....

Temptation From the Devil?

+JMJ+

Not sure, but I think I may have experienced an "attack." Sarah and I talked last night about her upcoming Profession as an Agrégée.  I am ashamed to admit I felt a little jealous, and later last night (and continuing this morning), I had this persistent thought: 

"Why don't you just give up and ask to become an Agrégée--stop trying to become a Canonical Sister,  just let it go. It's probably vanity on your part anyway. If you become an Agrégée, you can keep your beautiful house, have pets, and not have to deal with difficult people anymore. The fact that you are thinking this, may be God trying to tell you something."

However, based on what I read this morning in Fr. Kevin O'Brien's book that I am using for the 19th Annotation, I suspect this may be a temptation coming from the Devil.  He says

"...the evil spirit, which Ignatius also calls the 'enemy of our human nature,' wants to discourage us and get us off-course. Sometimes ... the tactics are obvious: causing extreme doubt, confusion, anxiety and temptation.  As we grow in the spiritual life, the enemy must adjust its tactics and become more subtle, ... even suggesting thoughts that seem good and holy but actually lead us away from the praise, love and service of God." 

My time in prayer this morning has led me to that conclusion, because

• I truly believe God has called me to religious life, and I further believe He has asked me to give Him everything, holding back nothing
• I have observed from past and current experience of living in a convent, that religious life provides the structure and discipline I need in order to overcome my natural inclination toward sloth, and my tendency to indulge myself in ways that are unhealthy both physically and spiritually
• The best and fastest way for me to grow in virtue (especially humility which I desperately need), is by having to suffer the daily humiliations of rubbing up against others in Community--which I can avoid if I live alone
• It's a tremendous source of strength to know that I am surrounded by women who are also trying as hard as they can to lead a holy life

I hope that further discernment will make it clear to me that I am following the right path (toward becoming a Canonical member of the Congregation), and that if these are indeed temptations of the Devil, I will be given the grace to persevere and resist giving in to them.

What I Did on My Winter Vacation

+JMJ+

I recently traveled from my home at Manna House to my former home in Georgia.  Since I needed to drive, it was a 2-day trip, and I stayed the first night at a hotel in St. Louis, which is about halfway.  One of my Facebook Friends, whom I have never actually met, saw my check-in post--I can never resist keeping people updated on my whereabouts and movements!--and commented that I was welcome to stay with her on my way back to Kansas in two weeks.  

Such a kind and generous offer!  --but those who know me, know that I am quite shy, and so my immediate temptation was to politely decline: after all, we had never even met, and only had one mutual friend on Facebook!

I believe that the Holy Spirit intervened before I could act, however, because in a few seconds, it occurred to me that:

•      What would be more consistent with the Vow of Poverty I hope to take at the end of my Novice year, than avoiding paying for a hotel room if I did not actually need to? 
•    When commissioning His disciples, Jesus instructed them in Matthew 10:11:  "...whatever town or village you enter, find out who is worthy in it, and stay with him until you depart" --which I believe was also the custom of the itinerant Jesuit priest who founded our Order in 1650
• As an aspiring Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia, perhaps I was being called at this moment to offer our "ministry of presence" to this self-described lonely widow!

So, I sent her a message accepting her gracious offer, we exchanged phone numbers, and she gave me her address, only a few miles away from downtown St. Louis.

I confess I was a little nervous when I set out on my return trip: what would this experience be like?  Would we get along?  I checked to see who our mutual friend was, and it turned out to be the mother of a 2nd cousin, with whom I had connected many years before, because we are both librarians. The mutual friend (the librarian's mother) has since died, but I knew she loved to travel, so it was not surprising to me that she had a friend in St. Louis.  I left as early as I could that morning, because I felt that because of the hospitality she was extending to a total stranger, I owed it to her to get there as early as possible, so that we would have time to talk and get to know each other.

When I arrived, she was very warm, gave me a hug at the street as I got out of my car, and helped me with my overnight luggage.  I found her house to be very charming, and I loved that her dog greeted me at the door!

Soon I was ensconced on her couch with a glass of wine, and naturally, our first topic of conversation was our rather remote Facebook connection, our one mutual friend--who turned out to be her mother!  It only took a few more moments for us to realize, to our utter astonishment, that my father was her uncle!  And, she is the sister of my librarian cousin, whom I never even knew had a sister!  Since we do not have the same last name, it never even crossed my mind that we might be related!!!

It quickly became very clear to me that God had indeed sent me to her.  She is suffering a great deal, mainly because her youngest son, an accomplished scientist, has a serious chronic illness which has caused him to be unable to work, and for which he has had numerous surgeries simply in order to survive--and more are scheduled over the next year.  Furthermore, there are indications that her husband's exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam may be the cause of his illness (not to mention her husband's early death), which has a genetic origin.  As if that were not enough, she and her sister are also convinced that their beloved mother's unexpected death a few years ago, was the result of medical malpractice.  

Because of all the pain in her life, she is bitter and angry at God.  Miraculously, she has not lost her faith, but she is seriously questioning how God could let all this happen to her son, and to her.  I was silently praying all the time while I was talking to her, that He would give me the right words to say, because I knew I was not adequate to the task before me.

That night, as I was praying in bed, I wept--partly because I felt such intense sorrow over her plight--which I am powerless to change--but also with joy and wonder at the intricacy of His plan (which brought us together), and profound gratitude that He actually trusts us so much, that He uses us to help Him to do His work on earth.  

I do not know what the end of this story will be, but a strong relationship has certainly been forged. I am sending her a book dealing with abandonment to God's providence which was recently given to me by my spiritual director--which has been a great help to me--because I hope it may help her as well.  She likes to travel, and has assured me that she will come to visit me in Concordia, and I am hoping that some of my Sisters here, wiser in the spiritual life than I, will help her to come to a place of trust, acceptance and healing. 

Why We Came | Commonweal Magazine

+JMJ+

Very pleased to have had my conversion story published in Commonweal this month.

https://www.commonwealmagazine.org/why-we-came

Late to the Vineyard

+JMJ+

We all remember Jesus’s parable of the laborers in the vineyard, recounted in Matthew 20:1-16. A landowner hires workers for the day and they agree to work for one denarius, but several times later during the day, he found other workers idle in the marketplace and invited them to come and work too. 

At the end of the day, he called them together, paying the ones hired last, first--and going on up the line, ending with the ones who had come early in the morning and worked the longest. But, to everyone’s surprise, the landowner paid the same amount to each of them, even though some had worked all day, while others, only an hour!

Some of the ones who had come early grumbled about this, because they expected to be paid more, to which the landowner replied, “‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”

In this story, I am the worker who was hired at 5:00pm, and the Sisters already in the Community are the workers who have labored in the vineyard of religious life all day--and yet, God in His incredible generosity, has given me the same reward as He gave them: the opportunity to offer Him my entire life, to give Him everything--to live out my vocation as a Sister of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas.

I am blessed beyond measure by this unbelievably generous gift, and I am deeply grateful. May God grant that I will be allowed to make my Profession this coming Fall. +

Lord, You Are My Portion and Cup

+JMJ+

Today's Communion Antiphon:

     Everyone who has given up home, brothers, or sisters, father or mother, wife or children or property for My sake will receive many times as much and inherit everlasting life.

It is so obvious to me now, that I spent my entire life dominated by my mother.  She controlled me and everyone else through emotional manipulation, through a charming performance that convinced all except those who lived in close contact with her--that is, we who experienced her anger and cruelty and know what she is really like.

I was afraid of her, and constantly tried to please her, but she never appreciated anything I did.  She routinely insulted and hurt me, openly displayed her complete contempt for me--and yet I stupidly kept trying.  She never opened up to me or anyone else as a real person, apparently because she has to be in control of everything, all the time, and can never risk displaying the slightest amount of vulnerability.  I think she never really trusts anyone.

I would still be in bondage to her, were it not for the wonderful gift God sent, my therapist--and now spiritual friend--Joe.  Somehow--and I don't really understand how--he enabled me to see her as she is and to break free--and in so doing, release me from the grip of unbearable rage: I was in torment and in a horrible state of sin, but Confession wasn't helping and I did not know how to escape.  God saw this, and He sent me a person with a pure heart and beautiful soul, through whom He could save me.  

And so now, here I am, living in a convent in Kansas, finally fulfilling the plan I am so convinced He had for me from the beginning.  It feels like a miracle, because it is a miracle. 

My life is peaceful and beautiful... I am unbelievably happy, but I have a sense that He is preparing me for something, that He is going to ask me for something.  I have no idea what that will be, but I am praying that I will recognize it when it comes, and that I will be open to His Holy Will, totally surrendered to Him.  I am so completely His now, that I have lost the "edges:"  I can no longer perceive where He begins and ends, because He is everything to me, my All in All--it is impossible to express this in words, but I am in and of Him, in every possible way, and I exist in the unutterable bliss of that awareness. +

Unwelcome

+JMJ+

Luke 7:36-50

I think I know how Jesus felt when He came to Simon's home for dinner, and was not made to feel welcome.  I have that experience almost every day here:  some of those with whom I live make it clear that I am not loved and not respected, merely tolerated--I don't think they realize that they are being so unkind: it's just their normal way of acting.  

But despite the fact that Simon didn't welcome You, You did not leave, You did not walk out on the banquet.  With the greatest humility, You endured it silently.  So I will endure it, and continue to love them, and pray that they will be showered with Your graces and Your love.  Was I chosen to bring Your Light and Love to them? 

I am like the sinful woman who wept tears of gratitude, anointed Your feet with my tears and precious oil, and dried them with my hair.  My life was nothing--I had nothing--until You plucked me out of the world and saved me.  You gave me Faith, You loved me, and You allowed me to love You.  My gratitude is inexpressible, and I long to see Your Face and embrace You forever!

An In-Breaking of Grace

+JMJ+

I received an indescribable experience of grace this morning while sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, after reading a prayer by Teilhard de Chardin:

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances

acting on your own good will)

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

I am at a loss for words to adequately express what I saw, but I began to cry, as I suddenly realized how terribly limited I am, how much I still have to learn about God, how weak my faith is, how I am really only at the beginning of my spiritual journey.  And how much I need to be healed--yet I am mute, lacking the voice or the courage or the humility to even cry out to Him as He goes by, "Lord Jesus Christ, heal me!" I see now that I am absolutely desperate to be loved, and that one of the reasons I am here in Concordia is because I am seeking a family, hoping to find the family I need, but do not have.  

 

There were so many tears in my eyes, I realized I couldn't even see the Host in the Monstrance, which seemed somehow poetic and appropriate to the moment--and then, for some reason, I suddenly thought of the picture of the Sacred Heart in my room, which I always believed was a representation of Jesus offering His Heart to us (which it is)--but I understand now that there is another hidden meaning behind those Sacred Heart pictures--what He is also doing is offering our hearts back to us: our hearts after they have been transformed and healed by His Love--which we are welcome to accept or reject as we choose.  A heart fully open and clear of expectations and preconceptions, completely free to love as He loves, if we only have the courage to accept it.

The Abyss

+JMJ+

Sr. Joann, my Spiritual Director, gave me the image of Jesus walking through the wheat field with His disciples, but a few steps in front of them, leading them--and she encouraged me to think of this every morning when I get up, so I have been. 

Today, in prayer, I realized something: there is an abyss of blackness in between me and Him, and the abyss is depression.  I have suffered all my life from depression, but I didn't realize that until a couple of years ago, when I started therapy.  I didn't go into therapy for that reason, but I became aware that I have that problem during my conversations with my therapist. 

I also learned that the only thing that has ever really helped my depression is my faith, and that I absolutely need to have a life focused on God in order to be happy.  My conclusion was that at least one of the the reasons God gave me a vocation, was because of this deep need. 

What I know, though, is that as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, He will keep me from falling into the abyss, that if I just reach out to Him, He will take my hand and keep me from sinking down into the blackness of despair.  

I believe this was a special grace God gave me today, an important insight, something I need to remember every day--and I am very grateful for it!  It seems especially significant to me, because it came on the Feast of St. John of the Cross, one of the Carmelite saints I love.

I was actually reading a book about St. John of the Cross the day that God came to me on the bus, and transformed me from an atheist into a believer in one instant!  He wrote a lot about the Dark Night of the Soul, and I have a feeling there is a connection between that and my abyss, a connection I have yet to discover, but need to explore.  

Settling In

+JMJ+

So, so happy here!  Every day, I feel myself getting closer to God and more obedient and devoted to Him.  Most of the Sisters in this house are not very warm people, but even when they are cold or curt, it seems to have no effect on me at all!  In the past, I would have been unable to avoid reacting and getting my feelings hurt, but now, my gaze is fixed on Jesus, and the little hurts inflicted by those around me just roll off my back--it seems almost unbelievable!  I have never been like this before, and I just love it.  Small sufferings... that I love to offer to Him, in gratitude for allowing me to live here. 

I am completely contented at last.  If I once in a while experience a second of two of regretting the loss of my beautiful house and my freedom to do as I please, all I have to do is remember how depressed I was living in Georgia, how empty my life seemed--and how full and happy it feels here--and I snap right out of it.  It is so obvious that this is the place and the life God intended for me, and I am so very grateful!

Earlier this week, I went to Confession to Fr. David, the pastor of the church next door to the convent, and he happened to mention that the woman who had been unlocking the church early in the morning for him had recently gone into assisted living, so I spontaneously offered to take that on.  I met with him the next day, and I now have a key to the church, and the responsibility of opening it and turning on the lights each morning around 6:15am.  It means getting up at 5:00am instead 5:30--but, a small sacrifice that I am very happy to make.  I love being able to help him out in this way.

And, the other great thing about this, is that I have about a half hour alone before the Blessed Sacrament before people start coming in.  My days in the convent are so full, I sometimes would procrastinate, and neglect to get my daily prayer time in before the day ended--but no more, because I can have it in the church each morning, which is perfect!  

St. Cecilia Day

+JMJ+

I have to say, it seems somewhat ironic that on St. Cecilia Day--which is a huge celebration for the St. Cecilia Dominicans, of which I was once a member--is the day on which I realized that I am having the happiest Thanksgiving of my entire life. 

I can't believe I had to be 71 years old, before I am actually completely happy!  But, blessed be God!  --because many people go through their entire lives, never getting to this point--and I am so, so very grateful!

How can God have done this for me?  How can He possibly have given me such an incredible gift?  How can I repay the Lord for His goodness to me?  +

Remembering a Special Day: November 18, 2015

+JMJ+

As of tonight, it will be exactly three years since I returned to the Church, after an absence of more than 20 years.

If you have read much of this blog, you already know that after I left the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia in 1990, I gradually stopped practicing my Faith, because I blamed God for my mistake in joining an Order that was not a good fit for me. 

Once I retired in September 2015, free from the stress of my career, I had time to think--and I realized that I had finally recovered from that trauma, and was ready to go back.

And, once I started praying again, I quickly learned that it was actually my fault that I chose so badly--not God's--because I had failed to spend sufficient time in discernment (long story there).

If you are Catholic, you know that the route to returning to the practice of Faith involves going to Confession, and so I did that on a stormy night in November.  Hoping to be the only one there because of the bad weather, I was rewarded: the darkened church was empty except for me, the priest, and the sacristan.

I am usually not a very good listener, but that night, the Holy Spirit spoke through the words of Fr. Rafael, as he casually commented while listening to my story, that he believed I had made a mistake in not trying religious life again after leaving the Dominicans.  It was a remark that was to come back to haunt me during the months that followed.

For those first few days, however, I walked around in a kind of ecstasy, because God was flooding me with joy as I experienced the incredible relief accompanying the realization that I was back, and no longer tormented with guilt. 

I felt compelled to do something to try to express my gratitude for being received back into the fold, and so I decided to consecrate my life to God, and try to live according to the Evangelical Counsels for the rest of my life--the same promises I had made when I took my Vows as a Dominican.  

I found a formula for a private Consecration on the internet, and customized it --then went before The Blessed Sacrament to offer myself to God for the rest of my life.  To commemorate this, I bought a little silver ring and got Fr. Rafael to bless it, so I would constantly be reminded of my promise.  I have never taken that ring off, except for a few hours during surgery last month. 

It is almost impossible to believe how much my life has changed in only three years.  During 2016, I became active in my parish, and rapidly acquired a host of new friends--after years of being a person who didn't have any friends and didn't want any, I metamorphosed into a person who loved having friends and knew I needed them!

However, by March 2016, I had become consumed with grief, as I gradually recognized that Fr. Rafael was right: that I really had been called to religious life, but that I had "blown it," and that there was no way to rectify the tragic error I had made.  

Then, the miracle occurred, the miracle that had been "in process" ever since that night in the Confessional.  In my despair, God answered me, and in an almost unbelievable way, connected me with the Sisters of St. Joseph of Concordia, Kansas--and I became a Candidate preparing to join their Community!

In December of 2016, in another fit of desperation, I signed up for an online therapy service called TalkSpace, and met a person who would change my life, Joe Paglia.  Over the course of the next 2 years as he worked with me, I was able to overcome the consuming and debilitating rage I had towards my mother, and--because he is such a beautiful soul--Joe gradually took on the role of spiritual director for me, giving me the courage to work toward rearranging my life to make it possible for me to move to Kansas to be with the Sisters.

I am there now!  Living at Manna House of Prayer as a Novice, preparing to make Canonical Vows in October 2019.  If anyone had told me in 2015 that this would happen, I would have told them they were crazy, because it's impossible... and yet, here I am! 

I began this blog because I hoped that people who do not believe that God really exists... that He loves us... that miracles really do happen... and that He will answer prayers--would somehow discover and read my story--and that is still my hope.  May God grant that if you are reading this, you too will come to accept His Love and give your heart to Him.  Believe me when I tell you that true joy will be yours, if you do.  God bless you!  

Remaining in His Presence

+JMJ+

I had a sobering experience last night, because I allowed myself to lose my focus on Jesus, and mentally live for a few minutes in the stark reality of the present.

I found myself dwelling on the repetitive nature of my life here: the monotonous routine of clearing the breakfast stuff every morning at 9:00am exactly.... going down to help get lunch and supper ready to serve, precisely a half hour prior to each meal.... the washing up afterwards, and always having to put everything back in its assigned place in our large kitchen, and do every little thing exactly the way they do it, with no deviations permitted... in other words, the complete rigidity of it all... and added to that, the Sister in our house who doesn't like me, and finds every word that comes out of my mouth objectionable, no matter how innocent the remark.

I had the dangerous thought:  can I really do this for the rest of my life?  Is this really the right place for me to be?  Should I just go back to my beautiful house in Georgia and my easy life, and not have to put up with these seemingly endless irritations?

Then, thankfully, I realized what I was doing, and raised my eyes to the beautiful picture of the Sacred Heart I have in my room.  I looked at Jesus, offering His Heart to me--and I remembered why I came. My whole plane of existence changed, as my heart united with His, and I overflowed with emotion as I felt His Love surrounding me. God sent me here: when I objectively think about what happened that night at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, that much is totally clear.  And the desire of my heart, my need really, is for a life totally focused on God, and I have that here!  To be able to live this way is a great privilege, perhaps the greatest privilege a person can be given.  

I must never allow myself to be caught up in such trivialities, because that is what daily conditions of life--anyone's life--really are: trivialities.  They are not what matters, ever.  At the end of life, God isn't going to ask me how many dishes I washed or how many meals I assisted with: all He will care about is how much I loved Him, and how much I expressed that love by doing every task set before me as something done for Him, with as much love as I can muster, thinking always of Him, and how I can love and serve Him better each day of my life. 

This was precisely how I got into trouble when I was with the Dominicans: I allowed myself to dwell on the daily annoyances of the life, instead of keeping myself constantly in His Presence--which is why people are drawn to this form of life in the first place.  Please save me, Lord, from making that mistake again!

Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus!  Let me be totally one with You.  Live in me, so that Your Kingdom is brought into being in this world through my hands, mind, voice and heart--and let everything I do serve to draw those around me closer to You. Amen.  +